Twitter
RT : me: *starts stabbing dogs*

everyone: uh, stop that

me: it’s not me

everyone: we see you

me: i have decided to…
from twitter
4 days ago
Twitter
RT : I remember this call and response from the rallies:

What are we going to build?

A wall

And who’s going to pay…
from twitter
4 days ago
Twitter
RT : When I take my shirt off in the summer, I have the type of body that makes people feel jealous because they can tel…
from twitter
4 days ago
Twitter
RT : 2016: "Come on, you're talking like Trump's going to put people in concentration camps"

2018: "First of all, I thi…
from twitter
4 days ago
Twitter
RT : The only alternative to this cruelty and chaos was to elect a person who used a personal email account for work, so…
from twitter
4 days ago
(429) https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1008702134798385152
RT : It’s 2018. Germany has a woman leader who takes in refugees and the United States is being run by Nazis putting mig…
from twitter
6 days ago
Twitter
RT : Kid: happy fathers day you’re the best dad ever
Me: thanks bud
Kid: can you buy us a toy?
Me: that’s really not how…
from twitter
7 days ago
Twitter
Cooking on Sunday for Tuesday!
from twitter
7 days ago
Twitter
RT : Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there who don’t support ripping children from their parents and throwing the…
from twitter
7 days ago
Twitter
RT : White dudes need to stop using “witch hunt” and “lynch mob” just because an asshole is facing public consequences.…
from twitter
7 days ago
Twitter
RT : Once when I was about three, my family accidentally boarded an skyscraper elevator without me. We were separated fo…
from twitter
8 days ago
Twitter
RT : Those who were mad at Michelle Obama because she said that kids should eat vegetables are completely fine with Trum…
from twitter
8 days ago
Twitter
RT : The true signature of a tough guy is terrorizing innocent children and then trying to blame someone else because he…
from twitter
8 days ago
Twitter
RT : every time someone turns out to be a piece of shit I publicly announce "I strongly suspected it, due to toxic mascu…
from twitter
8 days ago
Twitter
RT : REMINDER:
This is the end game:
Trump causes enough disruption to cause civil unrest.
National Guard is deployed
E…
from twitter
8 days ago
Twitter
Wtf? I don’t remember this...
from twitter
9 days ago
Twitter
RT : i love when white ppl say things like “this isn’t who we are” as if a sizable chunk of any history book isn’t just…
from twitter
10 days ago
Twitter
RT : Sarah Sanders: "It is very biblical to enforce the law. In the Bible Jesus says to treat others as you would treat…
from twitter
10 days ago
Twitter
Still one of my favoritest tweets ever. And I’ve read them all!
from twitter
10 days ago
Twitter
Wacky vocabulary lesson. I don’t REMEMBER being drunk.
from twitter
10 days ago
Twitter
In related news, we are all going to die sooner than reasonably expected.
from twitter
10 days ago
Twitter
Still waiting for answers…
from twitter
10 days ago
Twitter
This is actually how Jeff Sessions referred to domestic violence, in flight from which women can no…
from twitter
10 days ago
Twitter
"Another Conquest by the Language That Is Eating the World" University of Colorado recently announced that from now…
from twitter
11 days ago
Twitter
Yay, though! I waltz through the valley of the shadow puppet of death! I will fear no weevil. For Tao art with me.…
from twitter
11 days ago
Twitter
RT : My wife has been in her shed for 5 days now. The hams I left on the porch seem to have been eaten. I hear her fiddl…
from twitter
12 days ago
Anthony Bourdain's Extreme Empathy - The Atlantic
humility and respect in the face of human endeavor.
bourdain 
12 days ago
The Bullshit-Job Boom | The New Yorker
In Graeber’s eyes, make-work student jobs educate the young into lives of bullshit. Without such demands on their time, he writes, they could be “rehearsing for plays, playing in a band,” and the like. The binary is misleading—it is possible to hold a mind-numbing job and be the singer in a band—and anybody who has read much student fiction or seen many campus plays will wonder whether the bullshit quotient is much lessened there.
david  graeber 
13 days ago
Twitter
RT : At a gas station, a guy comes up after seeing my "FUCK TRUMP" sign:

Him: You know why we love Trump so much?

Me:…
from twitter
13 days ago
Twitter
RT : ME: I’ll take PEOPLE WHO THINK PAT SAJAK SUCKS for $800 Alex
PAT SAJAK: this is Wheel of Fortune
ME: *makes buzzer…
from twitter
13 days ago
Twitter
Heading to SD in a couple weeks. Will take your advice. TY!
from twitter
14 days ago
Twitter
The clam before the morts.
from twitter
17 days ago
Twitter
RT : I am laughing so goddamn hard at this video of Trump inexplicably putting his water bottle on the floor, and Pence…
from twitter
17 days ago
Twitter
RT : Seeing brands go rainbow for pride is cool but it has the same bittersweet feeling of that popular person who ignor…
from twitter
17 days ago
Twitter
RT : I think U.S. bakeries should start putting signs in the window. ”We bake stuff. It’s what we do. We’r…
from twitter
17 days ago
Twitter
RT : This court ruling is highly flawed.
QUESTION: Should a gay EMT now refuse CPR or mouth to mouth resus…
from twitter
17 days ago
Twitter
RT : New cake purchase policy:

every cake request begins with "I'm gay, and I need a marriage cake." Wait for response,…
from twitter
17 days ago
Twitter
RT : Saying "Lincoln was a Republican" is like saying “Nicolas Cage won an Oscar.” Technically it’s true, but a lot of s…
from twitter
18 days ago
Twitter
RT : Americans: we have a game here where we try and find buildings that were obviously built as Pizza Huts but aren't a…
from twitter
18 days ago
Twitter
Holy shit! I always knew 90s this indie rockers would save the world!
fb  from twitter
18 days ago
Twitter
RT : GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CEN…
from twitter
18 days ago
Twitter
RT : is it ... normal ... in other places that people have a concrete goose in their front yard that they dress up accor…
from twitter
21 days ago
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