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Twitter
You know when a patient's crashing and its tense and nobody knows what to do, then the best critical care attending…
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13 hours ago
Twitter
this man has been thinking about this for 6 years
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yesterday
Twitter
hey i know there’s always a lot going on but go see sorry to bother you. made something big and messy a…
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yesterday
Twitter
WTFFF it’s 2018. Phone calls account for ~0.2% of my device’s usage. They are merely notifications, annoying AF, an…
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yesterday
Twitter
Please tell us again why you endorsed Roy Moore for Senate?
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yesterday
Twitter
new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am u…
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yesterday
Twitter
the famous blue flag of socialism we all know and love
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2 days ago
Twitter
Okay, I think we may have found a solution…
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2 days ago
Twitter
me at 17: if we all vote and get engaged in politics we can make the world a better place! :)
me at 27: this black…
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3 days ago
Twitter
Kirstjen Nielsen was just asked about the deadly white supremacist riot in Charlottesville. She said: “it's not tha…
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3 days ago
Twitter
Before a last minute objection from ONE Republican Senator, we were minutes away from voting on a judge who said bl…
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3 days ago
Twitter
We’ve been waiting on Senate floor for an hour to vote on the latest radical, unqualified judge. But one R has cold…
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3 days ago
Twitter
BREAKING: and I just made a motion in House Intel Committee to subpoena the American interpreter durin…
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3 days ago
Twitter
welcome to my code review dungeon
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3 days ago
Twitter
THEY WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREETS ASKING RANDOM PEOPLE IF THEY WOULD HAVE SEX WITH PAUL RUDD FOR A DOLLAR
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3 days ago
Twitter
I want them to talk to ME about alcohol. Let’s get fucked up fellas
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4 days ago
Twitter
ah yes, the common kestrel, also known as THE WINDFUCKER
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4 days ago
Twitter
*extremely libertarian voice* "Nothing about this is bad."
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4 days ago
Twitter
News: Tonight we will have 13 mariachi band members playing at the White House. Program begins at 8 PM. Band starts…
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4 days ago
Twitter
I don’t know who made this but I can’t stop laughing. NOBLMAN, SWERVE.
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4 days ago
Twitter
Jake is out here grinding every day, going behind enemy lines to give your grandpa the truth about what the kid tod…
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4 days ago
Twitter
BREAKING: Emperor Palpatine claims he misspoke while issuing Order 66: "In a key sentence in my remarks, I said 'Wi…
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5 days ago
Twitter
Trump Wistfully Smells Lock Of Murdered Journalist’s Hair Gifted To Him By Putin
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5 days ago
Twitter
the smile of a man who doesn’t know the doctor just called him chubby & prescribed a neck cone
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5 days ago
Twitter
Oh hello a lot of my favorite restaurant critics are Really Just Not Getting It about Una Pizza Napoletana and the…
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5 days ago
Twitter
Another reason why NASA won’t invite tech companies to participate in space exploration is because they’ve watched…
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5 days ago
Twitter
Never felt less threatened in my life
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6 days ago
Twitter
*trump eats live baby on national television*

jeff flake: sends mean tweet

mccain: releases mean 2 paragraph stat…
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6 days ago
Twitter
i, too, love to get people riled up to vote by repeatedly telling them how powerless they are
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6 days ago
Twitter
you better call your senator dude, this doesn't sound good
from twitter_favs
6 days ago
Twitter
"My people came to me...they said they think it's Russia. I have President Putin. He just said it's not Russia. I w…
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6 days ago
Twitter
That Trump not only allows this, but happily defends the dictator who recently ordered a Russian military intellige…
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6 days ago
Twitter
just saw an old thread of someone mad at me that was 11 tweets long and their avatar is a fan art of the smart rat…
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7 days ago
Twitter
If Sacha Baron Cohen is sued for this, I will sell a kidney to donate to his legal fund.
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7 days ago
Twitter
To the people in my mentions telling me to bring back Italian Elon Musk: No. No conceivable parody could be funnier…
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7 days ago
Twitter
The completely best thing about old print advertisements is how explicitly they assumed their readers were absolute…
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7 days ago
Twitter
LOL why is this written like they’re ISIS???
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7 days ago
Twitter
not gonna buy internet on this flight I'm about to get on and v excited to land and discover that Elon has re-inser…
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7 days ago
Twitter
Fnatic literally called strats that consisted of "olof go kill something for us" and olof would go, *on his own* to…
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7 days ago
Twitter
This is EXACTLY what the Chinese government does when the NYT or other foreign news organization report something t…
from twitter_favs
7 days ago
Twitter
YOU MUST CHOOSE:

[CLOSE BEDROOM WINDOW]

- you died in infernal furnace

[OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW]

- you died from…
from twitter_favs
7 days ago
Twitter
*looking for eye drops on Amazon for my new contacts*
Customers who bought this item also bought:
- Stool softener…
from twitter_favs
8 days ago
Twitter
This is all I’ve ever wanted from live music and I’m a professional musician
from twitter_favs
8 days ago
Twitter
i think we’ve reached the point in the summer where the tunnel trash breeze that happens when the subway approaches…
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8 days ago
Twitter
It’s been a long day and I told Kim that we should probably just have a couple fries egg sandwiches for dinner and…
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9 days ago
Twitter
CNN- 12 Russians indicted for DNC hack

MSNBC- 12 Russians indicted for DNC hack

ABC- 12 Russians indicted for DNC…
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9 days ago
Twitter
The president wakes up every morning, gets dressed, looks in the mirror at his scrotum-level tie length and says, "…
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9 days ago
Twitter
The president openly asked a foreign adversary engaged in a criminal conspiracy to sabotage the election in his fav…
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9 days ago
Twitter
alaskan melonmute puppies grow in fields, and can use their melon body to stay cool on hot days.
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9 days ago
Twitter
Mitch McConnell stealing Supreme Court seat AND blocking bipartisan Congressional response to Russian election inte…
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9 days ago
Twitter
Nice to know that our message is getting through.
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9 days ago
Twitter
stancing up with my family
from twitter_favs
10 days ago
Twitter
Flipping over every piece of furniture in my apartment and texting my drug dealers in all caps because I posted a p…
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10 days ago
Twitter
21 USC §352, 333 & 21 CFR §333.250(d)(1) make it a federal crime to sell athlete's foot cream without telling users…
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10 days ago
Twitter
anyone intrigued by my real life antics may be interested to learn that around the age of 4, a greyhound snatched t…
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10 days ago
Twitter
If you're just tuning in, Louie Gohmert just attacked Peter Strzok for cheating on his wife, in the context of defe…
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10 days ago
Twitter
Blackbeard got nerfed all the way into Fortnite.
from twitter_favs
10 days ago
Twitter
Would love to hear Republican congressmen read aloud their texts about Trump from 2016.
from twitter_favs
10 days ago
Twitter
me at the beginning of 2018 vs. me halfway through
from twitter_favs
10 days ago
Twitter
Cuomo refuses to fund our public schools. He says we can't afford it.

Meanwhile, 20% of America's billionaires res…
from twitter_favs
10 days ago
Twitter
GOB:
Let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business I'll go awa…
from twitter_favs
10 days ago
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