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Twitter
Inanimate Objects Plotting Against Us
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11 days ago
Twitter
Does anyone have a scientific explanation for why certain foods are more satisfying when you eat them faster or in…
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11 days ago
Twitter
This 6.5 MB Bloomberg article injects targeted code into your browser and pings back to a suite of mystery servers…
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16 days ago
Twitter
me: damn i just dropped my pick in my guitar

guitar pick:
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4 weeks ago
Twitter
This is the worst party I’ve ever been to
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Plato’s Allegory of the Cave.
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
This is so unbelievably good. Important for anyone who has ever engaged in a "debate" on social media. Well done…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Who’s ready for the New Detective Douche??? I’m right on your heels
luciferonnetflix  lucifer  from twitter_favs
5 weeks ago
Twitter
Instead of comparing people to other people, how about we compare them to abstract concepts? "You know who you remi…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
"Just think for a moment as Deirdre McCloskey says,... consider that you might be wrong. Just stop & say like, 'Wel…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
it's so weird at weddings when they talk about the symbolism of rings, like how they have no beginning and no end,…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
After a Rain, Arkhip Kuindzhi
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
“What’s that? Your device was locked when you tried to build? YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO BUILD AGAIN THEN! MUHAHAHAHA!…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Festive annual commemoration of your emancipation from the womb.
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Remember everyone, only a couple weeks left to break up with your significant other before you’re the dick that rui…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Today in confusing git UI, if you `git checkout -p filename.ext` it will allow you to choose which portions of a fi…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
{First day as an NFL commentator}
ME: Well John—
COMMENTATOR: It’s Steve.
ME: Haha, classic Jerry. Anyway, it’s com…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Me at 19, falling asleep and realizing it's 8:20pm: Oh my god what the fuck is wrong with me!
Me at 39, falling asl…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
dance like nobody’s watching

love like you’ll never get hurt

respect women in the workplace like you’ll never ha…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Fun fact: Ever wondered why it's called The Iliad? Because Ilium was another name for Troy, and the -ad suffix was…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
This is Hope, a 13-week-old bat.
She certainly loves her banana - just look at the amount she packs in! ☺️

Recuper…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Dick Grayson: my parents died :(

Bruce Wayne: I'll adopt you and teach you how to fight dangerous criminals

Dick:…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Most of me condensed from a quark-gluon soup moments after the Big Bang.

To be fair, some other bits formed rathe…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
I learned a lot about archaeology from the Indiana Jones movies. Like you can straight up murder somebody if someth…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Me: *Explaining to the boyfriend what a Fullstack engineer is*

Him: Ohhh. So then there's a frontstack engineer an…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
“Carousels. I’m convinced they were invented so every stakeholder could have their bad idea at the top of the page.…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
The weirdest moment in TNG-era Trek was when Picard was able to bring up the score to HMS Pinafore by pushing *two…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
A dagger, a poison ring, a Green Tea Frappuccino, an tank top, and a DVD of Labyrinth.
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
Just read a job listing that said "Enjoy traveling to assigned locations in the comfort of your own vehicle!" which…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
WIFE: Why are all the cabinets open?

ME: *Remembering I opened them so I could pretend I was on The Price is Right…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
There are only 3 difficult problems in computer science:

1. Cache invalidation
2. Naming
3. Off by one errors
4. F…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
fuckin marvel tried to give the wakandans british accents but chadwick boseman was so against it he personally foug…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
When you get to level 30 in real life you unlock the ability to injure your back while sleeping. I don’t like where…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive, reckless, and harmful. I take…
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7 weeks ago
Paper… for writers
Paper editor has added Preview in Marked support :D (h/t 👍🏼)
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7 weeks ago
Twitter
Unpopular opinion:

You don't really need to preface your opinion with "unpopular opinion." You are more than wel…
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7 weeks ago
Twitter
I'm here to murder you. Bazinga!
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7 weeks ago
Twitter
has captured the spirit of my late boy Wheatley perfectly! I love it to pieces aaaaaaaaa
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7 weeks ago
Twitter
so today my mom literally beat candy crush. she completed over FOUR THOUSAND levels in less than a year and so she…
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8 weeks ago
A Way with Words | Fever Blister vs. Cold Sore
the folks touched on this on an episode a while back

(and if you don't f…
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8 weeks ago
Twitter
the folks touched on this on an episode a while back

(and if you don't f…
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8 weeks ago
Twitter
How about if, instead of ditching Twitter for Mastodon, we all start blogging and subscribing to each other's Atom…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
How you folded that fitted sheet.
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
I thought allocating 1 million objects in 21 milliseconds could be done faster. Then I realised this is 21 nanoseco…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
10 factorial (10!) seconds is exactly 6 weeks
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
My wife has taken the best photo ever of me.
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
{Creation of octopuses}
GOD (who had a bad day): Give it too many legs.
ANGEL: What?
GOD: Like, very obviously too…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
Never make fun of somebody for mispronouncing a word, it probably means they read it in a book.
And we have audiobo…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
I would watch a 90-minute documentary on the minute physical adjustments polite people make on the train to give ea…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
I open my phone and read your text. The news is so horrific and heartbreaking I have no idea how to respond. I type…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is pointing out all…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
why are there so many people in my feed like "of course we are all going to leave twitter and move to mastodon"

do…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
Leigh this is James, James this is Leigh.
You are now free to start a self-help grou…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
my 2yo after watching Brave: MAMA TURN INA BEAR?
me, comfortingly: no baby mama won't turn into a bear, it's okay
2…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
GOD: Garden of Eden.
ME: Garden of Eatin’
GOD: No, I definitely said—OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST TAKE ANOTHER BITE??
ME:…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
ME: So, you want me to go back in time and use awesome comebacks every time someone insulted me and I couldn’t thin…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
Whaaa—omg, a surprise party? For me? You mean instead of napping and eating cake I have to talk to people I could h…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
I know a guy who’s so excited by the idea of robotic arms you can control with your mind, and I don’t want to tell…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
Me: I’ve had headaches every day for years and sometimes medicine doesn’t help
Doc: Gotcha well your liver’s fine s…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
Vote of confidence for ... she's a rad coworker!
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
For the cost of Trump's military parade, every homeless veteran in the country could be fed three meals per day for…
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9 weeks ago
Twitter
what are the miss- WHAT ARE THE MISSING LETTERS
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9 weeks ago
(429) https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1029362191936512002
I just sent “I know, I really wish someone would bring me a milkshake, that’s a true friend” to everyone on my cont…
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9 weeks ago
(429) https://twitter.com/fauxlens/status/1029358214905782273/photo/1
Thankyou so much to for immortalising my chunky sausage of a cat, Loki! I love it! 🐾
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9 weeks ago
(429) https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1029231499931865088
Tonight I started the decommissioning plan for my little 7-year-old, hyper-niche SaaS app; the last piece of…
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9 weeks ago
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