1100
Twitter
GOD: Garden of Eden.
ME: Garden of Eatin’
GOD: No, I definitely said—OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST TAKE ANOTHER BITE??
ME:…
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yesterday
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ME: So, you want me to go back in time and use awesome comebacks every time someone insulted me and I couldn’t thin…
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yesterday
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Whaaa—omg, a surprise party? For me? You mean instead of napping and eating cake I have to talk to people I could h…
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yesterday
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I know a guy who’s so excited by the idea of robotic arms you can control with your mind, and I don’t want to tell…
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yesterday
Twitter
Me: I’ve had headaches every day for years and sometimes medicine doesn’t help
Doc: Gotcha well your liver’s fine s…
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yesterday
Twitter
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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yesterday
Twitter
Vote of confidence for ... she's a rad coworker!
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yesterday
Twitter
For the cost of Trump's military parade, every homeless veteran in the country could be fed three meals per day for…
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2 days ago
Twitter
what are the miss- WHAT ARE THE MISSING LETTERS
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2 days ago
(429) https://twitter.com/AndrewNadeau0/status/1029432394502352897/photo/1
*Takes deep breath* You did it, Andrew. You stirred. It’s over now.
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4 days ago
(429) https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1029362191936512002
I just sent “I know, I really wish someone would bring me a milkshake, that’s a true friend” to everyone on my cont…
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4 days ago
(429) https://twitter.com/fauxlens/status/1029358214905782273/photo/1
Thankyou so much to for immortalising my chunky sausage of a cat, Loki! I love it! 🐾
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4 days ago
(429) https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1029231499931865088
Tonight I started the decommissioning plan for my little 7-year-old, hyper-niche SaaS app; the last piece of…
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4 days ago
(429) https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1029174192015634432
Reasons marriage is terrifying:
1. You have to hold in 50 years of farts
2. If they knock you can't pretend nobody'…
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4 days ago
(429) https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1028226651111522311
NETLFIX: Are you still watching?

ME: No

NETFLIX: Do you want it on in the background anyway to fill the deafening…
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7 days ago
Twitter
That’s impressive since dogs like to be pet head-to-tail and cats like to be served tirelessly like furry…
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16 days ago
Twitter
Bike riding:
dress like a traffic cone
no headphones
helmet
Walking:
dress like a traffic cone
don't look at your…
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17 days ago
Twitter
Thank you for the tribute to my sweet Carnaby, eternally fat and resting in peace 💚
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23 days ago
Twitter
ME: *Sniffle* I’m just having trouble forgiving him.

THERAPIST: *Hands me tissues* Well, it was a long time ago.…
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25 days ago
Twitter
Woke up this mornin'

(blues riff)

And told my computer it was OK to download updates and restart.

(Last note of…
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26 days ago
Twitter
I created an app to find dog walkers called Appdog but nobody’s getting it because whenever someone asks what it is…
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28 days ago
Twitter
Me: Clean up your room!

Daughter: No point, I've already started building a new house. It has a half a wall, and t…
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29 days ago
Twitter
RT : Misspelled "Jurassic Park cast" and found something a million times better
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4 weeks ago
Twitter
.... they’ve infiltrated my home. THERES NOWHERE LEFT TO HIDE.
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4 weeks ago
Twitter
Alrighty, time to check the ol’ drafts folder, see if I wrote anything good during the nigh—…oh.
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I h…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
I was trying on shorts and to convince me to buy them my girlfriend excitedly said “It has pockets!” and I was inst…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
With "some ppl say/there's a women to blame/but I know/it's my own damn fault" jimmy buffet is taking more accounta…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Part of the reason I'm a bit skeptical of machine learning solving all the autonomous vehicle problems is that mach…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
GENIE: I don’t—I’m sorry I’m just not getting this.
ME: *In bed* Look, it’s not complicated: I still want to feel t…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
If I were a higher-up at Ford I would push for a new sedan called the Ore. Just because 4-door Ford Ore would make…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Developer tools seemed like a good industry to be in, "sell shovels in the gold rush" and all, but it turns out dev…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
This video indicates the following scenarios

1. Let me remove this line of code
2. Let me debug in prod or update…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Now FOR A STRANGE BIT OF TIME the idea on UK TV was "If 2 channels have a World Cup Final on, the other 2 channels…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Oh look who thinks they’re fancy now, like we didn’t grow up together?
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
"Not only are conservatives opposed to liberty in a great many areas, but the particular way in which conservative…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
when you go into a chuck e cheese, they stamp the kid and the parent with matching numbers in special invisible ink…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Software project naming rules:
Go: "Go" + at least 3 letters from "Kubernetes"
Python: Combo of 2 consonants and…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
🔳 E. B. WHITE
Born on this day, in 1899

"Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Left-Wing Utopia:

Everybody on earth is safe, healthy, happy, educated, and free to pursue their ambitions.

Right…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
ME: Alright so you know how Thanos had the power to remake the universe, and could have just made more resources, b…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Thanks for this hilariously spot-on rendering of my naughty boy Merry!
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5 weeks ago
960 Grid System
I remember when everybody used and shit just worked. Now there are 5 million frameworks wi…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
I remember when everybody used and shit just worked. Now there are 5 million frameworks wi…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
There’s a Russian proverb that basically says, “Don’t worry about it, one day you’ll be dead so it doesn’t matter.”…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Brady commissioned to draw the very first photo I took of Joan and Pixie on the day they came home w…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
thankyou so much. This will be my next tattoo!
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Thank you so much for nailing Max and Lottie's essence
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Not caring what anyone thinks about me is a high bar. Let’s start small, how about I just don’t care what my neighb…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
The most badass line I ever heard on TV was in Madam Secretary when Henry McCord said, “You don’t want to get into…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
thank u to for this very good drawing of lazy boy darcy
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
Ada Lovelace devised the first program. Grace Hopper wrote the first complier. Margaret Hamilton started the field…
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
given enough time, every boolean value will become an enumeration
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
With the addition of pegs, handles, and chalk my tool cart is complete!
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5 weeks ago
Twitter
When you lied on your résumé
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
Do you enjoy being touched by GERMS and VERY SMALL KNIVES? Then you’ll love CAT PAWS!

CAT PAWS are an easy, attrac…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
In Brian May's PhD thesis, the astrophysicist explains why it took him over 30 years to submit it, citing "various…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
HIM: Hey, you fell asleep while I was talking.
ME: omg, I’m so sorry, it’s not you, I have narcolepsy.
HIM: Oh no,…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
Me at 15: Wow, 40 is so old. My life will be over by then.

Me at 40: This isn't old! I feel the same. I'm in my…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
Remember the 'Step by Step' when the hot teacher seduced J.T.? It was a very special episode.
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
$ sudo apt-get install multitail
Multitail is a nifty tool that allows you to look at multiple log files and/or co…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
in love with this drawing of my sweet baby boy 😍
thank u !!
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
Thank you for drawing Calippo ! Me and love it!
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
When “She Blinded Me with Science” came out everyone was like, “Oo, cool, a song about science!”
Except for actual…
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
Had Baby commissioned by and man it came it came out amazing
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6 weeks ago
Twitter
my baby girl is officially in the kitty hall of fame now & i have never been more PROUD. thank you
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6 weeks ago
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