1100
Twitter
I like that people who climb Everest “because it was there” use the same justification for risking their lives as I…
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2 days ago
Twitter
You keep turning the comforter 90°, each time convinced it’s oriented incorrectly and that the length’s covering yo…
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3 days ago
Twitter
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t…
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3 days ago
Twitter
i have discovered it doesn't matter a lot. we put the old Ikea couch -- like 15 or 20 years old i think --…
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5 days ago
Twitter
ME: I’m sorry, buddy. But you were too good for her anyway.

HIM: Thank you, but that’s really just for breakups, n…
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5 days ago
Twitter
dream game project:
youre a fat dog at a dinner party where all the guests have been told not to feed you.

you hav…
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5 days ago
Twitter
One of my 3rd grade students just excitedly referred to animal poop as a “facts envelope” that “contains lots of sc…
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6 days ago
Twitter
Probably also works for software development. (Maybe I should try it?)
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12 days ago
Twitter
I demand to be taught technical concepts only in this way.
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12 days ago
Twitter
Auto-generated, minimalist retro album covers - a sketch by
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12 days ago
Twitter
I referred to Everest as "Mt. Everett" like four times in a row in conversation tonight and then my uneaten banana…
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12 days ago
Twitter
Ah yes, the first plague of pride month.
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13 days ago
Twitter
I've been taking a break from social media but today I got a puppy and am super excited! Meet Worf, everyone!
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13 days ago
Twitter
: the bold pure shapes of John Harris. Definitely growing into my top one artist.
space  scifi  INSPIRATION  art  from twitter_favs
13 days ago
Twitter
Software dev is 20% code and 80% people.

Yet this industry pushes coding. We create code “bootcamps” , create “ev…
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13 days ago
Twitter
Hello, yes, I know Kubernetes
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13 days ago
Twitter
I love “several people are typing” because nobody has any idea:

1. who
2. how many
3. what they’re typing about
3.…
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13 days ago
Twitter
My favorite thing in the world is seeing “SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE TYPING...” on Slack.

The drama, the wild urgency, the…
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13 days ago
Twitter
Priest: "They are gods. They are not interested in us. Do you interest yourself in the affairs of ants?"
Me: "Hell…
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14 days ago
Twitter
Backstory: I've been writing the same damn book for three years now. I want to finish it.

Today's game: Give this…
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14 days ago
Twitter
Work: "Can you take this Ruby on Rails app and Dockerize it?"

Me: "Sure!"

Narrator: She never had messed with a R…
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14 days ago
Twitter
So... instead of being at microsofts platform in maybe half a year or so (on github), people are actively migrating…
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14 days ago
Twitter
Libertarians believe that war is justified only in defense. We are opposed to a draft. If a war is just and necessa…
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18 days ago
Twitter
Break off: What one does to a .

Also break off: What one might do to a relationship with someone who does…
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18 days ago
Twitter
FYI: every woman has 'levels' of comfort for dudes in their life and it's exhausting. example:
-I'd hang with him i…
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18 days ago
Twitter
Some guy is so angry that I mentioned my surprise at having more followers than Roseanne that he's going to make su…
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18 days ago
Twitter
Accidentally left JS disabled after some testing, and a surprising amount of the web was usable (and screaming fast…
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19 days ago
Twitter
HEY SO YOU KNOW HOW Y'ALL LIKE TO TALK ABOUT CENSORSHIP

WHEN THE GOVERNMENT DEMANDS A TELEVISION SHOW BE CANCELED,…
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19 days ago
Twitter
I mean, sex is all right but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a probl…
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19 days ago
Twitter
I’m trapped in the Denver Airport. Talking to airline lady just now:
“I don’t see any way to get you on this flight…
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19 days ago
Twitter
This is getting ridiculous. Please don’t send in soft pretzels. We only rate dogs. Thank you... 13/10 someone help…
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19 days ago
Twitter
I dont want to brag but this hotel has iOS and Android power.
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19 days ago
Twitter
Irish media:

Men: Repeal won't work.
Women: I think we've got this.
Men: Let me tell you why your campaign is flaw…
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19 days ago
Twitter
Stop using the sick, disabled and poor people comparison as a reason to be grateful for your own life.
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19 days ago
Twitter
Mathematician 1: My favourite number is pi, as it explains the circle
Mathematician 2: My favourite number is e, as…
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19 days ago
Twitter
xclip -out -selection clipboard | qrencode -o - -t UTF8 # Display clipboard content as a QR-code using Unicode char…
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20 days ago
Twitter
I bet that wasn't what you expected
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20 days ago
Twitter
Dear Neurotypicals:

My thought processes and ways of doing things at work are different from yours. That does not…
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21 days ago
Twitter
I’m over here trying to figure out how to register at for my wedding, because who needs a new knife blo…
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21 days ago
Twitter
This is problematic for a lot of reasons but I’d like us to focus on the fact that there is zero chance he knows wh…
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21 days ago
The DEV Community
These kinds of messages about are so heartwarming I'm literally crying
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21 days ago
Twitter
These kinds of messages about are so heartwarming I'm literally crying
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21 days ago
Twitter
this is a public lecture I thought about going to tonight but fuck, what a notification
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21 days ago
Twitter
It's been a long time--years?--since I first saw this tweeted, and I still think about it all the time.
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22 days ago
Twitter
enjoying a nice dish of greek yogurt with hemp seeds, blackberries, and a touch of honey. it feels good to eat heal…
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22 days ago
Twitter
Deep in the darkest corner of your black, black heart, you already know this to be true.
dimspirations  from twitter_favs
22 days ago
Twitter
If welders were like software engineers they’d be tweeting stuff like “the justice system can be replaced with some…
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22 days ago
Twitter
how do i block my irl friends from following me on twitter so i can tweet about how teenaged simba was a hot piece…
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22 days ago
Twitter
Goodnight Server Room
————————————
In the server room
There was a DNS…
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22 days ago
Twitter
Instead of saying “I’m thirsty” try saying some of these fun phrases:

-ugh my serum osmolality is so high right no…
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23 days ago
Twitter
At the beginning of the year, I made an oath to receive 100 rejection letters by Dec 31 so I started applying for t…
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23 days ago
Twitter
RT : Ich habe bei einem Kunden COBOL Code gefunden. Gut. Mainframe. Nichts ungewöhnliches.

Der letzte Kommentar ist von…
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23 days ago
Twitter
It totally is. cgi-bin against a read-only filesystem.
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23 days ago
Twitter
7 millennials are sharing it each paying $1200 a month in rent.
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23 days ago
Twitter
I’m excited for self driving cars because I like to be driven around until I fall asleep but you can’t really ask s…
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23 days ago
Twitter
ME: Help! I’m being attacked by a shark!

RANDOM PERSON ON TWITTER: *Swims up* Hey, I know this isn’t the point, bu…
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23 days ago
Twitter
Vacationing with a two year old is the exact opposite of a vacation. It's signing up for a weekend of a job with 18…
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23 days ago
Twitter
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like……
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23 days ago
Twitter
it's weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say "well,…
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23 days ago
Twitter
Do you think the guys that named oranges were on their first fruit and really didn’t think there’d be other orange…
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23 days ago
Twitter
People have all these motivating mantras like Be Positive, Strive for Glory, or New Day, New Possibilities.

Meanw…
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23 days ago
Twitter
Being out of the city is just like Texas. You go to the nearest coffee place - which is a Starbucks inside a Target…
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24 days ago
Twitter
I once came back to a client to find scripts I'd written a decade ago still in use, last edited by me, but this per…
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24 days ago
Twitter
Me: "Jeff Goldblum is trending? Oh God. Okay, Twitter, which is it? Is he dead or is he a creeper?"
Twitter: "Uhhh,…
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24 days ago
Twitter
Well, Twitter gave me my own personalized bingo...
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24 days ago
Twitter
You know when you get a press release to cover a Guinness world record attempt for tallest stack of waffles & expec…
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24 days ago
Twitter
The entire Dune cycle is based on a terrible pun.

1. The spice is called melange.
2. The spice confers power and l…
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24 days ago
Twitter
So many country songs spend 90% of the lyrics setting up the situation. “I was wearing those blue jeans. You had on…
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24 days ago
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