social-skills   469

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The Conversation Topics Online Daters Are Tired Of Talking About The Most In Messages
1/ Donald Trump
2/ Special Diets
3/ Millennials vs. Everyone Else
4/ The Upcoming Royal Wedding (Meghan Markle + Prince Harry)
bustle  dating  online-dating  natalia-lusinski  social-skills 
17 hours ago by yolandaenoch
3 Ways You Can Help Your Child’s Social Skills
As a parent, there are all sorts of things you can do to increase your child’s social awareness and ability. Here are some of them!
children  eye-contact  social-skills 
4 weeks ago by Adventure_Web
Who is Boston Marathon runner-up Sarah Sellers? - The Boston Globe
She didn’t know that she placed second in the Boston Marathon, he said, until someone informed her after she crossed the finish line.

“Someone had to tell her, and she still didn’t believe them,” he said.

In an interview with the Globe, Sarah Sellers said the whole thing felt “surreal,” and that she at first didn’t think she actually came in second overall.

“I didn’t even know it was a possibility,” she told the Globe. “I was trying to ask officials what place I was in. I had no idea when I crossed the finish line.”

“Best case scenario going in, I thought I would maybe win enough money to cover the trip out here,” she said. “I had no anticipations of winning $75,000.”

He said that his wife has been waking up at 4 a.m. to get in her training runs before working full shifts at the medical center.

“She works super, super hard,” he said.
excellence  athletes  mastery  social-skills 
5 weeks ago by ramitsethi
Social anxiety is related to a preoccupation with making mistakes, finds a new study that monitored children’s brain activity. : science
from the comments:
"Behavioral inhibition (BI) is a temperament identified in early childhood that is a risk factor for later social anxiety. However, mechanisms underlying the development of social anxiety remain unclear. To better understand the emergence of social anxiety, longitudinal studies investigating changes at behavioral neural levels are needed. Method

BI was assessed in the laboratory at 2 and 3 years of age (N = 268). Children returned at 12 years, and an electroencephalogram was recorded while children performed a flanker task under 2 conditions: once while believing they were being observed by peers and once while not being observed. This methodology isolated changes in error monitoring (error-related negativity) and behavior (post-error reaction time slowing) as a function of social context. At 12 years, current social anxiety symptoms and lifetime diagnoses of social anxiety were obtained."
children  childrearing  health-mental  social-skills 
8 weeks ago by daguti
For a Better Marriage, Act Like a Single Person - The New York Times
For a Better Marriage, Act Like a Single Person
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By STEPHANIE COONTZFEB. 10, 2018

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OLYMPIA, Wash. — Especially around Valentine’s Day, it’s easy to find advice about sustaining a successful marriage, with suggestions for “date nights” and romantic dinners for two.

But as we spend more and more of our lives outside marriage, it’s equally important to cultivate the skills of successful singlehood. And doing that doesn’t benefit just people who never marry. It can also make for more satisfying marriages.

No matter how much Americans may value marriage, we now spend more time living single than ever before. In 1960, Americans were married for an average of 29 of the 37 years between the ages of 18 and 55. That’s almost 80 percent of what was then regarded as the prime of life. By 2015, the average had dropped to only 18 years.

In many ways, that’s good news for marriages and married people. Contrary to some claims, marrying at an older age generally lowers the risk of divorce. It also gives people time to acquire educational and financial assets, as well as develop a broad range of skills — from cooking to household repairs to financial management — that will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives, including when a partner is unavailable.

What’s more, single people generally have wider social networks than married couples, who tend to withdraw into their coupledom. On average, unmarried people interact more frequently with friends, neighbors, co-workers and extended family.

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RECENT COMMENTS
Steve February 12, 2018
The secret to marriage is selflessness.

dlb February 12, 2018
My grandmother once advised me not to marry a man who didn't have any friends.

C Lee February 12, 2018
Having friends and being social while married is healthy.

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Socializing with friends and family and participating in clubs, political organizations, teams, unions and churches are essential components of what sociologists call social integration. And health researchers report that maintaining high levels of social integration provides as much protection against early mortality as quitting smoking. In fact, having weak social networks is a greater risk factor for dying early than being obese or sedentary. One analysis of 148 separate health studies found that people who cultivated a wide network of friends and other social relationships had a mortality risk 50 percent lower than those with weak ties.

Having a large network of friends rather than relying mainly on family is especially beneficial. A long-term study of more than 6,500 Britons found that men and women who reported having 10 or more friendships at age 45 had significantly higher levels of psychological well-being at age 50, whatever their partnership status, than people with fewer friends. And two recent studies of nearly 280,000 people in almost 100 countries by William Chopik of Michigan State University found that friendships become increasingly vital to well-being at older ages. Among older adults, relationships with friends are a better predictor of good health and happiness than relations with family.

Don’t get me wrong. Marriage can provide a bounty of emotional, practical and financial support. But finding the right mate is no substitute for having friends and other interests. Indeed, people who are successful as singles are especially likely to end up in happy marriages, in large part because of the personal and social resources they developed before marrying. One representative study of nearly 17,000 people found that almost 80 percent of those who married had reported the same levels of well-being four years before their marriage as they reported four years afterward.

It’s true that, on average, married people report higher well-being than singles. But mounting research indicates that most of the disadvantages of singles compared with the currently married are accounted for by distress among the previously married, especially those most recently divorced or widowed.

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This suggests an intriguing possibility, says the Ohio State University sociologist Kristi Williams, editor of The Journal of Marriage and Family: Many of the problems experienced by divorced and widowed people may result not so much from the end of their marriage as from having relied too much on their spouse and thus failing to maintain social networks and the skills of self-reliance. In Professor Chopik’s research, single older people with solid friendships, whether previously married or never married, were just as happy and healthy as married individuals.

A new study by Daniel Carlson of the University of Utah and Ben Kail of Georgia State finds that the only segment of the population where never-married individuals consistently report worse psychological well-being than the married is among the poorest Americans. This is partly because at this income level, married couples actually maintain higher levels of social integration than their unmarried counterparts.

But as income rises, the advantages of married over never-married individuals evaporate and even reverse. While affluent never-married people continue to multiply their interactions with friends, neighbors and family, affluent married couples don’t. This could well be why, at the highest income levels, married people are actually more likely to report depressive symptoms than their equally affluent never-married counterparts.

Maintaining social networks and self-reliance after marriage does far more, however, than protect you against depression and ensure against the worst outcomes of divorce or widowhood. It can also enhance and even revitalize your marriage.

Many marriage counselors focus narrowly on improving partners’ couple skills without taking into account how the marital relationship is affected by interactions with other people. Yet a 2017 study found that when people socialize more frequently with good friends, they not only report fewer depressive symptoms themselves, but so do their partners.

People feel better when their spouses have good friendships, over and above the effects of their own friendships. In another example of how friendships can benefit a marriage, happily married wives who experience conflicts in their marriage generally feel closer to their husbands when they can discuss and reframe the issues with a good friend.

As the U.C.L.A. social psychologist Benjamin Karney told me, “‘You are my everything’ is not the best recipe for a happy marriage.” Research his team will present next month at the annual conference of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that having supportive friendships is associated with more satisfying marriages, even among couples already content with the support they get from each other. “Even the happiest couples have something to gain by nurturing relationships with people outside their marriage,” he said.

That’s what’s wrong with the pressure put on couples to plan the perfect date night. Aside from having sex, which most of us prefer to do without outsiders around, people enjoy doing activities with their partner and friends together more than with only their spouse.

Socializing with others provides some of the novelty and variety that leading social psychologists call “the spice of happiness.” It also allows partners to show off each other’s strengths. My husband tells great stories, but I’ve heard most of them and am not interested in hearing them again when we’re by ourselves. When we’re out with others, however, I urge him to tell away. Their positive reaction validates me as well as him.

Still, don’t couples need date nights to renew their romantic passion? In one experiment, researchers assigned some couples to spend time by themselves and have deeply personal conversations, while others were set up with a couple they had never met and told to initiate similar conversations. Afterward, all the couples reported greater satisfaction with their relationship, but couples who had been on the “double date” reported feeling more romantic passion toward each other than those who had engaged only with each other.

So this Valentine’s Day, if you’re in the throes of early love, by all means plan a romantic evening alone with your partner. But if that first rush of passion has passed, you’re probably better off going on a double date. And if you’re without a romantic partner, why not hone your singlehood skills by organizing a dinner party with friends or inviting over a few people you’d like to get to know better?

Stephanie Coontz is the director of research and public education at the Council on Contemporary Families and a historian at Evergreen State College.

Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook and Twitter (@NYTopinion), and sign up for the Opinion Today newsletter.

A version of this op-ed appears in print on February 11, 2018, on Page SR6 of the New York edition with the headline: For Wedded Bliss, Act Single. Today's Paper|Subscribe
health  marriage  social-skills  dating  psychology 
11 weeks ago by enochko
25 best ice breaker questions
These are fucking gold. Amazing. Works in any situation
social-skills  icebreaker  game 
february 2018 by snapsocialguru
Opinion | For a Better Marriage, Act Like a Single Person - The New York Times
Having a large network of friends rather than relying mainly on family is especially beneficial. A long-term study of more than 6,500 Britons found that men and women who reported having 10 or more friendships at age 45 had significantly higher levels of psychological well-being at age 50, whatever their partnership status, than people with fewer friends. And two recent studies of nearly 280,000 people in almost 100 countries by William Chopik of Michigan State University found that friendships become increasingly vital to well-being at older ages. Among older adults, relationships with friends are a better predictor of good health and happiness than relations with family.
social-skills  relationships  health  via:ramitsethi 
february 2018 by eaconley
Opinion | For a Better Marriage, Act Like a Single Person - The New York Times
Having a large network of friends rather than relying mainly on family is especially beneficial. A long-term study of more than 6,500 Britons found that men and women who reported having 10 or more friendships at age 45 had significantly higher levels of psychological well-being at age 50, whatever their partnership status, than people with fewer friends. And two recent studies of nearly 280,000 people in almost 100 countries by William Chopik of Michigan State University found that friendships become increasingly vital to well-being at older ages. Among older adults, relationships with friends are a better predictor of good health and happiness than relations with family.
social-skills  relationships  health 
february 2018 by lorenzocaum
Opinion | For a Better Marriage, Act Like a Single Person - The New York Times
Having a large network of friends rather than relying mainly on family is especially beneficial. A long-term study of more than 6,500 Britons found that men and women who reported having 10 or more friendships at age 45 had significantly higher levels of psychological well-being at age 50, whatever their partnership status, than people with fewer friends. And two recent studies of nearly 280,000 people in almost 100 countries by William Chopik of Michigan State University found that friendships become increasingly vital to well-being at older ages. Among older adults, relationships with friends are a better predictor of good health and happiness than relations with family.
social-skills  relationships  health 
february 2018 by ramitsethi
(*) Stephanie Hurlburt on Twitter: "Examples of banned self deprecating comments. 🚫 "My project is..." - very small/basic/simple - not that good - a thing I wrote - just by a… https://t.co/o3FcBHMf25"
Stephanie Hurlburt Retweeted Stephanie Hurlburt
Half the women sending me blog posts do it with a self deprecating comment.

It's not hard to just write the title of blog post + link. Self deprecation is a shield. It's a "You can't hurt me by saying my work's bad, because I said it first."

And it will hurt your career. Stop.

Examples of banned self deprecating comments. 🚫

"My project is..."
- very small/basic/simple
- not that good
- a thing I wrote
- just by a newbie
- something I didn't spend a lot of time/effort on
- silly
- not that useful

Just state the topic and let others be the judge.
gender  conversation  career-promotions  social-skills  via:ramitsethi 
january 2018 by abemaingi
Sarah Mei: How She Improved her communication skills (advice)
Folks often ask me how they can improve their communication skills (including in response to this from yesterday). I feel like I haven’t been able to answer that question very well, because the way I did it doesn’t feel like it generalizes.
sarah-mei  social-skills  Twitter-moments 
january 2018 by yolandaenoch
(14) Grace Chu's answer to What is the best or most diplomatic way to say 'no' if someone asks you to swap seats with them on an airplane? - Quora
I often fly by myself, wearing laid-back, comfortable clothes. I look young and accommodating, so other travelers and even FAs often think I’m the easiest person to ask.

Here’s my sliding scale of agreeableness:

50% of the time, the person has a reasonable request, and is polite or neutral in making the request. I agree.

10% of the time, something seems off. I say “Mind if I take a look before I decide?” and look at the other seat (and surrounding occupants) before deciding.

20% of the time, there’s a particular reason I don’t want to move (I’m seated near the front and I really need to get off the plane quickly upon landing, or I’m flying with someone who is already asleep). “I’d like to help you, but this time I can’t.”

20% of the time, the requestor seems to believe s/he is entitled to my seat. Once, when I was next to an empty seat, a couple said to each other, “What about that one? She'll move.” Another time, a woman talking on her phone jutted out her chin at me, and paused in her scintillating conversation long enough to tell her friend, “Get that one to move.” I smiled and said, “Would it be okay if I kept the seat I paid for?” (I noticed only after I wrote my answer: These incidents occurred a year apart, but both times I was “that one” — an object someone points to, not a person, a “someone,” myself.)
conversation  social-skills  via:ramitsethi 
january 2018 by eaconley
(14) Grace Chu's answer to What is the best or most diplomatic way to say 'no' if someone asks you to swap seats with them on an airplane? - Quora
I often fly by myself, wearing laid-back, comfortable clothes. I look young and accommodating, so other travelers and even FAs often think I’m the easiest person to ask.

Here’s my sliding scale of agreeableness:

50% of the time, the person has a reasonable request, and is polite or neutral in making the request. I agree.

10% of the time, something seems off. I say “Mind if I take a look before I decide?” and look at the other seat (and surrounding occupants) before deciding.

20% of the time, there’s a particular reason I don’t want to move (I’m seated near the front and I really need to get off the plane quickly upon landing, or I’m flying with someone who is already asleep). “I’d like to help you, but this time I can’t.”

20% of the time, the requestor seems to believe s/he is entitled to my seat. Once, when I was next to an empty seat, a couple said to each other, “What about that one? She'll move.” Another time, a woman talking on her phone jutted out her chin at me, and paused in her scintillating conversation long enough to tell her friend, “Get that one to move.” I smiled and said, “Would it be okay if I kept the seat I paid for?” (I noticed only after I wrote my answer: These incidents occurred a year apart, but both times I was “that one” — an object someone points to, not a person, a “someone,” myself.)
conversation  social-skills 
january 2018 by ramitsethi
How to tell if you're a 'conversational narcissist'
A “support response” is the opposite of a “shift response.” It’s a response that focuses on the thoughts and feelings of the other person, according to Headlee. It shows them you are paying attention and encourages them to continue speaking.

“A support response basically says two things: It says ‘I hear you’ and ‘Please continue,’” she says.

You can use shift responses in a conversation, explains Headlee, so long as you balance them with support responses.
nbc-news  conversational-narcissism  death  grief  social-skills 
december 2017 by yolandaenoch
Christmas blues: 4 ways we mess up comforting friends: Sheryl Sandberg
Holiday blues: Four mistakes we make when comforting friends who are struggling
Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, Opinion contributors Published 7:43 a.m. ET Nov. 30, 2017 | Updated 7:21 a.m. ET Dec. 1, 2017

Facebook COO Sheryl Sanberg says she hopes her new book on grief will teach readers how to help others after a tragedy. USA TODAY

If you have a loved one who’s suffering, “Happy holidays!" can feel like a cruel joke. The most wonderful time of the year? Not for everyone.
XXX 136330_012.JPG B FEA USA CA
(Photo: Martin E. Klimek, USA TODAY)

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We’ve all been there: Someone we know is suffering, and we’re not sure what to do. In Hilary Weisfeld’s case, her daughter’s teacher had a 4-year-old girl with leukemia who was admitted to the hospital. They weren’t close friends; Hilary had never met the little girl.

Hilary went to a toy store, bought a stuffed animal, and sent an email: “I'm coming to the hospital with a package for your daughter. I don't want to invade your privacy or hers. If you don't feel like coming down I'll leave it at the front desk. No pressure.” The teacher replied immediately, inviting her up. As the girl unwrapped her new toy, the teacher thanked Hilary with tears in her eyes.

Although we all want to support others through hardship, knowing how to do that isn’t always intuitive. Every bookstore has a self-help section — but sometimes what we really need is a “help others” section.

More: Listen up Supreme Court: Warrantless tracking of smartphones violates our rights

More: After Weinstein, consider the Pence rule to protect your heart and marriage

The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration — but if you’re dealing with illness, divorce, incarceration or grief, that festive spirit can feel like salt being poured on a wound. Holidays can make you painfully aware of the love, liberty or life you’ve lost.

If you have a loved one who’s suffering, phrases you’ve used a thousand times without a second thought —“Happy holidays! Season’s greetings!” — can feel like a cruel joke. The most wonderful time of the year? Not for everyone.

Many people are afraid to acknowledge others’ pain: They don’t want to bring it up. Only after Sheryl’s husband Dave died suddenly did we realize how ridiculous that is. You can’t remind her Dave is gone. She’s aware of that every day.

The elephant is always there. The best thing you can do is speak up instead of saying silent. But knowing what to say can be as hard as finding the courage to say something. For most of our lives, we’ve made four big mistakes.

First: When someone is in anguish, our instinct is to encourage them to think positive. “Time heals all wounds!” “Everything happens for a reason.” But after interviewing people who lost a spouse or child, psychologists found that the most unhelpful “help” came from those who urged them to cheer up and recover. Pressuring people to be happy is a surefire way to make them sad; feeling bad about feeling bad just makes us feel worse.

For bereaved parents and spouses, the most helpful help came from people who invited them to express their feelings. At The Dinner Party, young people who have lost spouses host an annual “All Feelings Welcome” potluck. As therapist Megan Devine says, “Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”

Second: We’ve tried to empathize by mentioning something similar we’ve encountered. Your brother is sick from chemo? I totally know how you feel — my cat was throwing up recently. Sociologists call this conversational narcissism: that moment when we shift the conversation to put ourselves in the spotlight. Odds are you don’t actually know how they feel. Even if you do, you should focus on their experience, not yours.

“When you’re faced with tragedy,” writer Tim Lawrence notes, “the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words: I acknowledge your pain. I’m here with you.”

Third: We’ve tried to help by offering advice. That turns out to be the other most unhelpful form of help. Go to the gym — sure, I’ll sweat off the grief! Come to the holiday party — yep, drinking eggnog will help me win custody of my kids.

More: Hijab Barbie: Perfect Christmas gift for non-Muslim parents who want to stick it to Trump

POLICING THE USA: A look at race, justice, media

We have some unsolicited advice: Don’t give unsolicited advice. Consider just admitting, “I wish I knew the right thing to say. I’m so sorry you’re going through this — but you will not go through it alone.”

And fourth: We’ve tried to show support by saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” We meant it, but it put the burden on others to know what they needed and feel comfortable asking. “Instead of offering ‘anything,' ” author Bruce Feiler recommends, “just do something.” Invite them over for a holiday dinner. Make a playlist of songs that aren’t about joy or snow. Drop off a home-cooked meal. As Hilary Weisfeld learned, you don’t have to be best friends since third grade to show up.

Hilary didn’t stop at visiting her daughter’s teacher in the hospital. She reached out later that week with another specific offer: “I think you need a delivery of really terrible magazines. Any preferences? If not, I'll just go rogue.”

“You have no idea how much your checking in has meant to us,” her daughter’s teacher replied.

When you’re at a loss for words, the best thing you can do is spring into action. Actions don’t just speak louder than words — they’re felt more deeply, too.

Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant are the authors of Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. To learn more about #OptionBThere for the holidays, visit optionb.org/holidays
social-skills  emotional-intelligence  psychology  grief 
december 2017 by enochko

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