attachment   1988

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Aeon Essays -- Consistency shouldn't be the test of truth in sexual-assault cases by Linda Martín Alcoff
'When I was nine years old, on a sunny summer afternoon, I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted. I didn’t have words to describe what happened; I was too young to know the vocabulary of sex. I lacked an understanding of the event: how to name it, what its effects were likely to be. In the raw, I knew what had happened, where it had happened, who my assailant was, and where he lived. Yet today I could not tell you the date, not even the month. I can’t describe the clothes he or I wore. The man got away. I still have post-traumatic stress disorder. At the time, I told no one. -- Much later, my mother described how my personality changed during this period. My normally high grades dropped precipitously; I became withdrawn, staying mostly inside the house. She thought I might be going through early puberty but, out of concern, she made an appointment for me to meet with the school psychologist. I was called out of my fourth-grade class and taken to a small room with no windows. I found myself sitting next to an adult man I had never seen before. The door was shut. I vomited all over the desk. -- Decades passed before I could start the work of piecing together a way of understanding the event and its impact on my life. I was in my mid-20s, in couples therapy with my husband; we had gone in for help with our sex life. Only there did I begin to realise the repercussions of my childhood experience. I startled easily, and could never bear to be chased, so I had difficulty with sports. Films with certain kinds of scenes triggered terror for me, so I had to walk out but could not explain why. I had recurring nightmares. And there were certain things in bed that I simply could not do. -- As I began fitting together these parts of my life into a pattern, the question of language arose. What to call the event? The perpetrator was a neighbour, but not someone who held power over me through his role in my life. He simply caught me as one might catch an insect. So when I read accounts of abuse and molestation, often involving seduction, manipulation and a build-up of trust before physical violence, none of that rings true in my case.' -- A predator preyed upon a child who lacked a strong parental bond, a child made vulnerable because she couldn't trust her parent(s) to cope with bad news. And so, she bore this all alone, betrayed.
psychology  attachment  abuse  rape  predation 
14 days ago by adamcrowe
You can’t love too much: How secure attachment helps kids thrive - Motherly
being generous with our attention and signs of warmth, delight and enjoyment

Take the lead in conveying we can handle them and whatever comes with this, including tantrums, resistance and opposition.

Be the one to comfort, guide, protect and hold onto them.
15 days ago by JonathanAquino
The Art of Manliness -- Advice to the Newly Married
'DON’T LET ANY TROUBLE GET IN BETWEEN YOU! -- The accent is on the word BETWEEN. -- All the trouble in the world is not going to bother you so long as it is on the outside. You’ll have enemies, but none of them can hurt you if they do not get between you. -- You’ll have disappointments, bereavements, disillusions, failures, regrets, mistakes, angers, and resentments; and you can resist seven tons of such stuff provided you stand together and don’t let any of it seep in between your two hearts. -- Be partners. Be allies and swear never, either one of you, to make a separate treaty with the enemy. -- Don’t have secrets one from the other. Organize your own oath-bound secret society now. Lock yourselves in, and the rest of the world out, even darling mother-in-law. -- Beware of the Intimate Friend to whom you tell things about your wedded companion. Said I.F. has broken up more couples than any other known snake. Be your own Intimate Friends. -- Gossip, tattle, and tell all you know to each other all you please, but not about each other to any third party. Remember that Three is a fearful crowd when it comes to married folk. The corners of the Eternal Triangle are both sharp and poison. -- When reverses come, or even poverty, loss, or debt, just cuddle up closer together, and you can laugh at them. -- Don’t let the darkness of dark days get in between you and separate you. Don’t let even your children, when they come, and I hope there’ll be a lot of them, get between you and alienate you. That sometimes happens. -- Remember — one thing only I’ve told you — write it down and hang it up on your wall: “There’s bitterness in this world, but it can’t make us bitter if it doesn’t come between us.” You’ve sworn “til death do us part, and for better or worse.” Stick to it!' -- No Thirds:
psychology  attachment  relationships  marriage  integrity 
5 weeks ago by adamcrowe
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: How to Cope With an Avoidant Partner
'Many of us struggle to cope with partners who are by their nature emotionally avoidant. Part of the solution comes from recognising the challenges involved, having sympathy for what makes people avoidant and learning to apply some well-tested new patterns of behaviour.' -- "I want you in the house but not in my room...unless I invite you."
psychology  attachment  relationships 
6 weeks ago by adamcrowe
Childhood Emotional Neglect -- Why Every Adult in the World Should Watch the Still Faced Parent Video
'...In the Still Faced Parent video, you get to see how it affects a child when her parent’s emotional attunement is suddenly withdrawn from her.  In the video, you will watch a parent interact with a child in a loving, attentive and emotionally attuned way. The infant laughs and squeals in delight, showing the kind of pure joy that warms one’s heart to watch. This is an example of an emotionally attuned parent with a secure attachment to the child. -- Keep watching, however, and as part of the experiment, the parent turns away from the child for a moment, and then turns back with a “still face.” Meaning the parent’s face is like a blank wall, looking at the child but completely unresponsive. -- As you watch the video you will see the child become ever more distressed, and begin to attempt to re-engage the parent ever more desperately. -- You will see the infant go into extreme distress. And once you see this video, it will change you.' --
psychology  attachment  affectregulation  parenting 
7 weeks ago by adamcrowe
Psychology Today -- The Age Four Transition to Responsible Childhood by Peter Gray
'...Research on attachment, going all the way back to the work of Bowlby (1958) and Ainsworth (1979), has revealed that children’s attachment to caregivers begins to increase around age six to eight months and declines at about age four years. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. Six to eight months is when infants begin to move around on their own (initially by crawling), so a strong drive to be near a reliable caregiver is adaptive, so they don’t stray off too far and get into danger. Around four years is when children begin to have common sense, so there is much reduced danger in their straying off. The primary function of attachment (I hate to be so cold about it) is to protect the child from danger during the period when he or she is mobile but has not yet acquired much sense about what is dangerous and what isn’t. -- What underlies the increased ability of children, at about age four, to behave safely and independently? Part of the answer, of course, has simply to do with increased knowledge. If caregivers have done their job properly and allowed children to explore and behave in moderately risky ways in the caregivers’ presence during the children’s first four years, then, by about age four, children have learned a lot about what is safe and what isn’t. But something less gradual also occurs just before or around age four: Children develop the capacity to use words not just to communicate with others, but also to communicate with themselves. In other words, they begin to think verbally, which means, essentially, that they can tell themselves what is safe or not and can recall verbal rules that they learned from others, and they can use those abilities to restrain or motivate their actions as they roam and explore on their own. -- The person most noted for this theory that a major shift in thinking occurs around age four is the Russian developmental psychologist Lev Vyotsky (1934/1962). Vygotsky contended that what we usually describe as thinking is, largely, internalized speech. At first, according to Vygotsky, thinking occurs in a social context, as back-and-forth speech with others. An older person says something to the child. The child understands what was said and may or may not argue. If the statement is a rule of behavior, the child may abide by it immediately, but not sometime later, because the child doesn’t think of it later. That’s why very young children need to be watched. Over time, however, children learn that they can use language even when not in the presence of others, as a way of reminding themselves what they should or should not do. At first they may use the words aloud, in a phase of talking to themselves: “Oh, Mommy said don’t touch the hot stove.” But with time they learn that they don’t have to actually enunciate the words; they can just think them to themselves. There is sometimes a transitional period where you can see the child’s lips move as he or she thinks. If you are a lip reader, you can literally read the child's mind. -- ... Throughout human history, until very recently, people understood that the capacity for common sense, restraint, and self-controlled safety grows rather rapidly at around age four. Age four was understood as the approximate age at which children enter the culture of childhood, where they begin to learn at least as much if not more from play with peers as from adults. People didn’t need research studies to prove it to them; it was obvious. Children today, sadly, exist in a world in which adults have become convinced that children are not competent at age four, and many believe that they are not competent even at age eight, or twelve. Many twelve-year-olds today are not permitted the independence that four-year-olds were permitted until just a few decades ago. -- We also, sadly, live at a time when many people hold the really weird belief that it is more important to train little children in so-called “academic skills” than to teach them basic rules of safety—rules that they can understand and that could give them the freedom they need to learn lessons that are far more important than the scraps of academia we force onto them.'
psychology  children  attachment  language  learning  parenting 
12 weeks ago by adamcrowe

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