tysone + theonion   33

Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
I don’t hesitate to call it stupid bullshit because we all know it’s stupid bullshit. We know it and you know it. We also know that you are probably dumb enough, or bored enough, or both, to click on the stupid bullshit anyway, and that you will continue to do so as long as we keep putting it in front of your big, idiot faces. You want to know how many more page views the Miley Cyrus thing got than our article on the wildfires ravaging Yosemite? Like 6 gazillion more.
cnn  journalism  theonion 
august 2013 by tysone
The Onion: Internet Users Demand Less Interactivity
Tired of being bombarded with constant requests to share content on social media, bestow ratings, leave comments, and generally “join in on the discussion,” the nation’s Internet users demanded substantially less interactivity this week.
internet  theonion  webdesign  forsnd 
january 2013 by tysone
4 Copy Editors Killed In Ongoing AP Style, Chicago Manual Gang Violence
“At this time we have reason to believe the killings were gang-related and carried out by adherents of both the AP and Chicago styles, part of a vicious, bloody feud to establish control over the grammar and usage guidelines governing American English,” said FBI spokesman Paul Holstein, showing reporters graffiti tags in which the word “anti-social” had been corrected to read “antisocial.”
grammar  language  theonion  forsnd 
january 2013 by tysone
'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday after being sucked into the website's powerful news-repurposing turbine, where his body was immediately torn to pieces.
huffingtonpost  hilarious  theonion 
february 2012 by tysone
Failing U.S. Economy No Reason At All To Stop Investing In Print Media, All Experts Agree | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
NEW YORK—The nation's top experts unanimously agreed Tuesday that the current struggles of the U.S. economy were no reason whatsoever to stop investing in print media, which they said was easily the safest and most profitable place to invest one's money.
theonion  newspapers  from delicious
september 2011 by tysone
Bro, You're A God Among Bros | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
You are the epitome of bro, in every brossible way, and that's the Bro's honest truth, bro. I may have a bropensity for broverstatement, but this no mere hyperbrole: You are 100 brocent, absbrolutely the broest. Brotally.
bros  theonion  from instapaper
august 2011 by tysone
New Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I'm Thinking Printers' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
“What is the one thing people will always need? It’s obvious: printers. Printers with fax machines attached, printers that collate and staple, perhaps a printer that makes photocopies. Anything’s possible. It’s called innovation.”
apple  stevejobs  tim_cook  theonion  from delicious
august 2011 by tysone
Almost No One Noticing Officials Doing Corrupt Thing | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Government officials who were taken into custody told reporters they would plead guilty to all charges, saying it would be impossible to find any holes in The Onion’s coverage of the illicit plot.
theonion  from delicious
june 2011 by tysone
NYTimes.com's Plan To Charge People Money For Consuming Goods, Services Called Bold Business Move | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
It's almost as if The New York Times is equating itself with a business trying to function in a capitalistic society.
nytimes  theonion  from delicious
march 2011 by tysone
The People Who Mattered In 2010 - The Onion
#4. Mark Zuckerberg - Gotta Hand It To The Little Fucker
theonion  2010  from delicious
december 2010 by tysone
8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realizing it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.
nyc  theonion 
september 2010 by tysone
The Onion: Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers
'And, just last week, The Washington Post began printing their newspaper on hot fluffy pancakes."
forsnd  design  news_design  theonion 
august 2010 by tysone
TIME Announces New Version Of Magazine Aimed At Adults | The Onion
"TIME advanced is aimed at an audience who cares about 'grown-up' news"
timemag  theonion  hilarious 
august 2010 by tysone
Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Consumers who participated in focus groups for No One’s Pleasure were impressed by the condoms’ ability to both sustain current animosities and rejuvenate old ones.
theonion  hilarious 
august 2010 by tysone
'This American Life' Completes Documentation Of Liberal, Upper-Middle-Class Existence | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
In what cultural anthropologists are calling a "colossal achievement" in the study of white-collar professionals, the popular radio show has successfully isolated all 7,442 known characteristics of college graduates who earn between $62,500 and $125,000 per year and feel strongly that something should be done about global warming.
thisamericanlife  hilarious  theonion 
june 2010 by tysone
New Social Networking Site Changing The Way Oh, Christ, Forget It | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Launched last year, Foursquare is unique in that it not only allows users to broadcast their whereabouts, but also offers a number of built-in incentives, including some innovative new crap The New York Times surely has a throbbing hard-on for.
theonion  nytimes  technology  startup 
may 2010 by tysone
EPA: Stubborn Environment Refusing To Meet Civilization Halfway | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
According to an EPA report, most of the environment's day-to-day processes can be categorized as rude and inconsiderate, in particular its selfish overreliance on "absolutely, perfectly clean soil" for sustainable growth, and its continual inability to act in good faith and adapt to rising carbon dioxide levels.
epa  environment  theonion 
may 2010 by tysone
Man At Very Top Of Food Chain Chooses Bugles | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Acting on an impulse from an incredibly complex forebrain that has evolved over millions of years, Atkinson then took note of the Bugles' amusing conical shape and placed one on each of his opposable thumbs like little wizard hats.
theonion  evolution  humans  nutrition 
april 2010 by tysone
Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
"Unable to rest their eyes on a colorful photograph or boldface heading that could be easily skimmed and forgotten about, Americans collectively recoiled Monday when confronted with a solid block of uninterrupted text."
theonion  forsnd  news_design  design  typography  hilarious 
march 2010 by tysone
How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
As the Onion reminds us, "Kindergarten teachers aren't going to have any newspaper to make their paper mache pinatas out of."
video  theonion  journalism  hilarious  forsnd 
march 2010 by tysone
Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head."
theonion  constitution  politics  hilarious 
november 2009 by tysone
Cell Phone Stuck In 2-Year Contract With Local Man | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"Though it has been the victim of rampant physical and verbal abuse and feels terrorized by its demanding, possessive partner, a local Samsung SPH-M300 mobile phone cannot get out of its two-year contract with area man Alex Toth."
theonion 
october 2009 by tysone
95 Percent Of Opinions Withheld On Visit To Family | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Among the subjects Wilmot declined to weigh in on during the weekend get-together: new Tropical Sprite, Survivor, the selfishness of childless couples, Iraq, golf, AM talk radio, and his brother-in-law's fantastic idea for a calling-card side business.
family  theonion  hilarious 
june 2009 by tysone
Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Although they admit the Dayton-area group may have taken its name from a line in "Karma Police," the members of Radiohead held a press conference in Ohio Monday to dismiss allegations that they played any role in helping to form the musical style of local band Hitler Hairdo.
hilarious  theonion  radiohead 
may 2009 by tysone
Friend Somehow Bad At Hanging Out | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
According to local resident Jay Reagor, his longtime friend Geoff Scovell, 25, is somehow not good at hanging out, the low-pressure recreational pastime in which skill and ability are generally not considered to be factors.
hilarious  theonion 
july 2008 by tysone
Somebody Should Do Something About All the Problems | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Why isn't anyone doing anything about all the problems? We're living in a time with super computers and underwater sea stations and million-dollar laboratories. And still, everyday when I watch the TV news shows I see all sorts of problems!
hilarious  technology  future  theonion  brilliant 
july 2008 by tysone
Novelists Strike Fails To Affect Nation Whatsoever | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
"If this situation is not brought to a halt soon, it could have serious ramifications for, you know, literary culture, I guess," said Kyle Farmer, a Phoenix-area real estate consultant and avid golfer.
theonion  literature 
march 2008 by tysone

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