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Twitter
It's 1 AM. My brother is sending me voice message after voice message. The first one, in a perfect Solid Snake voic…
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9 hours ago
Twitter
OMFG this decorative cat thing has testicles
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12 hours ago
Twitter
It’ll probably taste bad but I’m about to have my first ever frozen pizza.
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13 hours ago
Twitter
we talk about a lot of green things in this! Come listen!
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20 hours ago
Twitter
if you’re curious as to how we brew it chez Sahim: loose leaf in a thermos, crack some cardamom and throw a few thr…
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20 hours ago
Twitter
*influenster posts a picture of green tea*: “I have a problem”

my father: “hold my green tea”
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20 hours ago
Twitter
BREAKING NEWS: Peter Shambles caught smiling as he eats a chocolate croissant in the sun
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22 hours ago
Twitter
Very much here for this ➡️↘️↗️↔️⤵️▶️🔀⤴️🔄↘️⬅️↩️
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yesterday
Twitter
Ive decided that magic bands are my arch nemesis
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yesterday
Twitter
<extremely zardoz voice> MICKEY
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yesterday
Twitter
today’s stream broke almost all of my personal individual records for viewership/interaction. been doing the stream…
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yesterday
Twitter
check out the creepy fuckin easter cookies my coworker hooked me up with
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yesterday
Twitter
the questions still haunt me
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yesterday
Twitter
Huge congratulations to the graduate workers union! 🎉
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yesterday
Twitter
rt because today's the last day this iconic vine legend will be 19
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yesterday
Twitter
avicii died for this tweet, fucking hell
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yesterday
Twitter
Finally got a stupid nice Spring day. Took a nice walk during my lunch break to soak it in.
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yesterday
Twitter
i also made a gif because this moment really spoke to me
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yesterday
Twitter
Clearly he is both of the Raskins at Raskin & Raskin.
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yesterday
Twitter
farmer 1: i bred this new variety of tomato! it's gonna be so popular!
farmer 2, who's been holding a grudge for de…
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yesterday
Twitter
Okay, but are they even going to do anything with BTK when the article says this will focus on the Atlanta child mu…
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yesterday
Twitter
I really fucking hate that I can’t listen to NPR without having trump’s stupid fucking tweets read aloud to me like…
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yesterday
Twitter
Today's the only day you can retweet this
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2 days ago
Twitter
When your vegan donut shop is ready for 4/20
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2 days ago
Twitter
Y’all, one of my absolute favorite bands Kleenex Girl Wonder just released their latest album Vana Mundi today! The…
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2 days ago
Twitter
happy 4/20, decriminalize marijuana, release everyone jailed for marijuana offenses and clear the records of anyone…
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2 days ago
Twitter
The remastered vinyl edition of Etiquette by Casiotone for the Painfully Alone will be out July 13 on…
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2 days ago
Twitter
i'm supportive & yr hawt, ps. that's what i'm saying. "hello i support your hotness and goodness" (credit to…
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2 days ago
Twitter
HELLO. YES. THIS.

also

if you're my friend/family member and you text me "hi" i will assume i did something awful…
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2 days ago
Twitter
Ja Rule literally trapped the rich on an island with minimal food and water.
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2 days ago
Twitter
wow even kanye is excited
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2 days ago
Twitter
I am at a McDonalds Convention.
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2 days ago
Twitter
Sunday is Earth Day! ☀️🌱🌏✨
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2 days ago
Twitter
I am 100% still in my weird/magic phase
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3 days ago
Twitter
Good morning I have to give a presentation today and last night I dreamt that I got to class, opened my PowerPoint,…
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3 days ago
Twitter
PEERING INTO THE CONFERNCE ROOM AS A MEETING ENDS AND SEEING THERE’S LEFTOVER PASTRIES
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3 days ago
Twitter
head to a club on a Saturday and find a hen party, you’ll see a gaggle of white blonde girls wearing bunny ears to…
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3 days ago
Twitter
me: goodnight ❤️

me still tweeting 2 hours later:
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3 days ago
Twitter
oh no season 2 of veronica mars
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3 days ago
Twitter
RT : Quilt. This is a quilt. QUILT.
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3 days ago
Twitter
My therapist: You need stop fixating on "Skull Cow". It's not real and it can't hurt you.

Skull Cow:
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4 days ago
Twitter
made a new piece of office decor to mark my return from maternity leave
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4 days ago
Twitter
I call winning in Radical Heights an "Esposito" because the Joe Esposito song 'You're the Best' plays when you win.…
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4 days ago
Twitter
the best: ditto cards illustrated by yuka morii
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4 days ago
Twitter
Marvel: “Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event of all time.”

Method Man:
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4 days ago
Twitter
this is what it means when the cubs say "fly the w"
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4 days ago
Twitter
Happy Babylonian New Year!
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5 days ago
Twitter
You know you want that tshirt
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5 days ago
Twitter
with all due respect, I’m about to fucking snap
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5 days ago
Twitter
hey you should have me on your show to talk about Kurt Gödel. I am not particularly funny and the sto…
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5 days ago
Twitter
Kendrick needs to go for an Independent Spirit Award so he can get the coveted TOGEPI
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5 days ago
Twitter
this is bad, i realized i'm more of a child now than when i was an actual child

- eat brownie sundaes for dinner
-…
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5 days ago
Twitter
Handy checklist from the Holocaust for identifying a fascist takeover
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5 days ago
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