“No,” Venom snarls out loud to the street, where the old woman–jesus christ. Where the old woman has just collapsed into dust, leaving nothing behind but her cart and her purse. A car slams into a lamppost, the driver’s seat suddenly empty. Someone is screaming, and they aren’t even screaming at them. “I said no.”

Me and my husband, watching a martial arts film]
Me: See, now this is how the Jedi should have recruited their Padawans: you find some dude and then challenge him to a fight, and if he kicks your ass you then have to beg him to teach you.

oh my god I just read a post that was like “fuck this nonsense send MACE WINDU back in time to unfuck the prequels!!” and now I will never, ever be satisfied until I find the 300k version of that fic, ever. I NEED THIS FIC LIKE I NEED AIR. WHY IS THIS FIC NOT ALREADY IN MY HANDS??

Han Solo: Worst Omega Ever meeting Han Solo: Worst ALPHA Ever, of course, obviously that would have to happen. OBVIOUSLY. both Leias are doomed. and also inappropriately turned on. and also DOOMED. so I guess this is a Star Wars post now whoops.

tim drake’s snapchat is 90% him making bruce wayne do normal middle-class american things and filming the results.

concept: willy wonka and harry potter take place in the same universe
the ministry of magic haaaates Willy Wonka

We all know that Hoth was a simmering mess of hormones and stress and I would pay good money for a soap opera about them. Here are some things which Definitely Happened.

(Featuring Stabby who is definitely not a space doomba.)

I’ve been thinking since the ending of Yuri!!! on Ice, especially since its closing lines made me break out into ugly, wracking sobs, about how the show defines love, and how it is such a delightfully Japanese interpretation of the concept to my (American) mind.

He dueled him for many a long minute, and then trapping him at the end of a gantry, removed his hand from his wrist. Luke was surprised, but said not a word beyond his cry of pain. After a silence of several minutes, Vader came towards him in an agitated manner, and thus began,

That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.

So, I wrote some Tyler Seguin/Jamie Benn porn based on this amazing post by [personal profile] sinsense about the universe she and others had created where promising rookies in the NHL were assigned an older player to ~kneel~ for as a training measure. GO READ THAT POST it is amazing if you're into that sort of thing.

Semi-related to my feelings about the combine: I snicker every time sports writers talk about a team "topping" or "edging" or "knotting" another team (because I am twelve), but it's those stories about how you can "ruin" a young player that make me think dirty things. Like, obviously letting your whole team gangbang your rookie will ruin him.

So you have to pair each rookie up with an older, more experienced player as a mentor (Kaner with Sharpy, AGally with Prust, etc). Because, especially for the highly ranked rookies, it’s a lot of pressure, they can get wound too tight, so they need to be put on their knees regularly by someone they trust. The Bruins didn’t do that for Segs, they let anyone fuck him, and look what happened. The Stars put him with Jamie over the summer and it settles him right down.

You are DAVE STRIDER, former secretarial asset, current forensitech and forever SWAG AS FUCK. You have been asked by your therapist to create a journal, and both of your girlfriends thought this was A REALLY GREAT IDEA DAVE, YOU SHOULD DO IT and YES, THIS IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA. I LOOK FORWARD TO FOLLOWING YOUR TROLLMBLR.

Protesting that you already engaged in therapeutic venting through your RAPS and SICK BEATS fell on deaf ears.

Welp.

Looks like you have a blog. Time to get your socializing on.

"Luf--fy!" Nami sings out. "It's tiiiime!"

The rubber whirlwind bounces into the room and pings off three walls on its way to the bed. "Zoro! Hey, Zoro, are you okay? Did they give you MEAT yet, because I told them they should. Can I get you--"

my problem with the ‘harry becomes lord of 2/¾/5 ancient noble houses’ trope is so unbelievably petty because its that fic writers don’t take it to the potential extreme. like, okay, you wanna make harry the bossest of bitches i get that, i understand, i have that urge too from time to time, but c’mon, be a little more creative about it please

We survived, we won, and now six Striders and two trolls have to learn to share two small apartments with two bathrooms between them. Featuring Dave, Bro, Dirk, Dirk's Bro, Dove "I used to be half-bird", and Hal "I used to be glasses". Oh, and Tavros and Terezi, they're here too.

Seriously, if we don't answer enough of these things we'll have to get day jobs. We're too cool for day jobs. Prevent this senseless tragedy by asking us shit today.

trying to find that one post where y’all speculate about Finn realizing he needs to provide a surname, and he just goes with “Dameron” because that’s the first one which comes to mind

More Daemon AU stuff

Natasha Romanova (Avengers) & Parker (Leverage) - "That is not happening."

Supernatural/Leverage; Jake & Hardison; twins.

Doctor Who/Leverage, The Doctor (your choice) + Eliot and the Leverage team, the Leverage team learns that Eliot used to be a Companion to The Doctor

Leverage, Eliot/ or + Hardison, Hardison finds out that the first time Eliot got tortured was just days before Hardison started the sixth grade.

Leverage, Were!any/any(/any), The realisation that lycanthropy is spread through bodily fluids and so sex is totally out of the question.

Leverage, Eliot and any, real men wear pink

Leverage, Nate/Sophie, Someone( a Mark, or old friends) overhearing a phone conversation and assuming Eliot, Parker, and Alec are Nate and Sophies kids.

Leverage, Hardison/Eliot/Parker, They can't say it with words but it's hidden in their actions (mostly in the ones no one else would ever guess)

Closet 'verse sequel (what it says on the tin)

five times Patrick Kane unsuccessfully flirted with other Olympic athletes, and one time he didn't get shot down.

with Kane being cheesy and persistent but not creepy or coercive?

het and/or slash

bonus points for Kaner trying to flirt with both Lamoureux sisters (either separately or together) and crashing and burning miserably

:P

Now I’m imagining Steve offering to sleep with Tony so Iron Man doesn’t have to do it anymore.

You wake up to the sound of rain thundering hard and heavy against the roof of your apartment building.

Maybe they won the war? Maybe they just managed to slip through the Armada's defenses? Anyway humans land on Alternia.

They find nothing but children and teenagers (some of them probably wondering why they haven't been conscripted yet and where the ships are, so technically about to be considered adults but not officially adult yet)

Are the humans here to kill the mother grub? take control of it? do damage control now they've won and they're checking how the kids are being raised because sentient being rights and troll societal attitudes suck we're brainwashing them into a ~morally superior way of doing things? oh good lord this explains everything they're raised by animals, the internet and each other what really this is Lord of the Flies as a valid educational method -- WHAT happens to the orphans???

How much do the troll kids freak the fuck out seeing adult aliens? Do they try mounting a resistance? Do any humans adopt young orphans? what?

Please no gore and no canon character death, but apart from that anything is welcome. OCs are good, so are age-tweaked canon characters.

One is a majorly kinky adult man in his prime, who got to go to nightclubs and met people and had one night stands and learned through trial and error, and is now fairly relaxed about his needs.

The other is a teenager who thanks to the internet and his own reasoning has a lot of intellectual understanding and nothing else and zero real social experience, and the same needs and instincts and no outlet for them.

Askerian: …
Askerian: what if john sheppard was john egbert.
Askerian: they both love to fly
Askerian: NO SELF NO
Askerian: STOP RIGHT HERE
Adi: hahahahaha

Askerian: urban fantasy Davekat with demon again XD
Askerian: not the same way tho
Askerian: angels and demons are aligned with good and evil
Askerian: also there’s supernatural beasties and elementals and werewolves and lamia everywhere

"My name is Karkat Vantas," you say when the recording starts. "Imperial ID number 4136-1211-15201. I'm applying for status as a pail slave. I'm," you swallow hard to try to clear the lump from your throat, "I'm unfit for standard contribution due to abnormal hemotype, but I want to serve my Empire to the best of my ability. I understand the physical demands of the position and," your voice cracks, "I'm training to be better prepared for them. I swear to cooperate readily and faithfully with my assigned user. I surrender my body to Imperial custody. All hail Her Imperious Condescension, and all hail her glorious Empire."

ladybessyboo requested said DO WANT when i suggested ;; kane/toews, imprint verse!makeouts

oh shit, Stiles, I know you really needed the money, but was it really a great idea to pose for those pictures for NECKZ ‘n THROATS,

All these fics with Stiles needing to turn tricks to pay for his dad's hospital bills is like a giant add for universal health coverage.
Everyone needs to move to Canada. D:

Overhead, light flows across the ceiling, expanding and contracting like a slow pulse matching his own. His eyes are heavy and growing heavier with as indeterminate time passes. The pile of clothes under him shifts, his back arches further to accommodate it, he's drifting, comfortable and pulsing like these little specks of light on the ceiling. Slow and dimmed at first, Gamzee becomes aware of of his hand lying on his stomach.

"We should check on Prospit," Jane says, one week into your probably pointless run through the gas-and-zombies weirdness that Sburb turned out to be.

In which xeno/inflation/mpreg/egg-laying is taken entirely too seriously, compulsive world building is showcased, and I pretend really hard that Gamzee might ever be a sympathetic character again. Originally found at: http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/8447.html?thread=39867903

They are sixteen years old when John finally decides that not being a homosexual doesn’t mean he isn’t in love with Karkat. Or hate. Or something. Whatever, troll romance is weird. Anyway, it was just something that had been building for ages, and maybe John had been aware of it and maybe he hadn’t, but when it all comes rushing at him one day he doesn’t feel surprised or confused or have a mini-identity crisis. He just feels in love.

"What is that," he asks flatly, in that kind of weird nasal tone he gets when he's trying not to flip the fuck out, and you blush, hard, because that was not what you expected Karkat to say when he started pushing your pants down and reached for your penis--

“Wow, you actually sleep in this stuff?” John asked, staring into Karkat's recuperacoon.

Equius is genderqueer. But Equius has always been one to live by the rules. Stepping outside them, frankly, terrifies hir. So ze hides -- dresses hirself in skirts and heels and stockings in secret, assumes an alternate internet identity. Ze's ashamed of hir gender, hir sexuality, hir everything; ze's an awkward, lonely, kinky, sweaty teenager who's done some terrible things and is desperately seeking some kind of validation of hir identity.

The only thing ze's got going for hirself is hir meowrail, who just so happens to be nonbinary purrself.

Before all this, he was lovely. Smooth skin accented with freckles and light golden hair, a few scars here and there from strife and childhood.

AU in which the guardians (that is, Mom, Dad, Bro, and Bec or Grandpa Harley) work for the government and made first contact with Alternia when their children were infants. One of them, as a peace offering to the trolls, offered their child's hand in marriage to a young wiggler.

They find out when they are thirteen, sixteen, or eighteen, when the trolls come to Earth (publicly or secretly).

Karkat and John can't be kismesi together, not because John is incapable of hate, but rather because any hate John feels for Karkat is but a wan candle compared to his unmatched, all-consuming, searing enmity of the Batterwitch Betty Crocker.

Karkat is compelled to step aside in the face of such magnificent spite.

Or he takes the smart route, takes over as CEO of the Betty Crocker company, and becomes a pastry baron.

Then it's delicious ♠♠♠♠ all over the place.

[Fill #2] John Egbert is not gay.

When he realised he had two genders, he wanted to scream in frustration.

Dave doesn't like them.

I've seen lots of FTM Dave but never Bro, which I had a dream about last night. Dave woke up covered in blood and it was a while before I found out it wasn't his, but Bro's. Possibly they sleep together because they're really poor and Dave's still young, I don't know. But I want to see how growing up with this would affect Dave's perception of gender--does he think there are two kinds of guys and go around asking people which they are? Does he even know about girls, and does he think there are two kinds of them, too? Play with it.

It was subtle, the way Tavros seemed to be changing.

Dave has just met Jade Harley live and in person for the first time, and she will not. Shut. UP.

John/Karkat, John/Eridan, commentfic, PG. Fanfiction by Dave Strider.

Karkat can feel the press of John’s arousal against one of his arms. His fingers twitch and reach helplessly, but his limbs are pushed as far as they can go. John chuckles against his shoulder, aware of Karkat’s efforts, and noses against the troll’s ear, warm breaths ghosting against sensitive flesh. “You’re so, well, eager like this, Karkat!”

Terezi tells Dave and Karkat she's getting them matching red collars. When she's not around, they have a mini argument/fight about what this means, and which of them gave her the impression they wanted to be collared/owned. (they both argue that it was the other one)

obviously they are in denial, they both want it, and terezi is really good at figuring things out.

also this can end however but preferably with a sexy collaring scene. smut optional

So the other day I had a long rambly convo about a Gundam Wing/Harry Potter crossover. Not going to write it, nooo way, but it ended up pretty fun to think about anyway. Also with some complaining/pondering about abuse in fanfic and stuff.

How to build a database to get the right person or people for every kinky contingency. One such task is suggested; readers are encouraged to submit more.

The Avengers have kind of gotten into the habit of falling asleep or winding down all huddled and pressed against each other, after defeating a tough villian, Clint and Tasha coming back from a solo mission, one of them has nightmares, etc. They've actually got to the point they don't even bother about it and it's almost automatic.

Then they end up having to take on a supervillian in the middle of nowhere, and when they're done they're on the Hellcarrier, with it's tiny claustrophic rooms; and even any of Tony's international mansions are a long way off.

Cue to them getting really annoyed, twitchy, snappy, about the whole thing. Bruce might even end up Hulking out again, and having to be contained. Then they all go fuck it, Nat, and Clint steal as many pillows and blankets they can get, Tony overrides the containment unit settings to get Bruce out, and they all just find some place to set up and curl up.

Bonus for Steve and Thor, who are normally the easiest to get along with, glare and threaten bodily harm to any of the SHIELD members who try to even enter the area.

The internet if they forgo everything, break into Hulk's containment unit, because hey it is big and comfy enough, and just use him as a body pillow to curl up on, with the Hulk not even minding.

I just want a post battle big superhero cuddle pile, okay. Because even heroes need their hug time.

My first thought was, "how awkward would it be to get the Avengers assemble message while in the middle of sex?"
Of course, there are a ton of other weird possibilities. Getting it while on the toilet, for example. In the middle of a crowded movie theater or library (especially Steve, who hasn't quite figured out how to turn off the ringer). Stuff like that. Can be a five = one fic. Gen or any pairing. Drama or humor. I'm not picky.

During a fight Steve takes a nasty blow to the chest and doesn't just spring back like he usually does. He ends up knelt down, struggling to breathe and vulnerable to attack. Tony gets to him first and while Steve tries to push him away at first because they're not bffs, Tony sure does know a lot about chest pain and breathing problems. Cue Tony dragging Steve somewhere safe and trying to calmly talk him through it.

At one point or another, Coulson has seen pretty much everyone naked.

There have been a couple sci-fi fan!Tony prompts out there, but none of Doctor Who. Even though he absolutely referenced it in the movie, when he was talking about reversing the polarity.

But, really what I want is Tony getting bored and deciding he wants to see if he can build a sonic screwdriver. Just for fun, not for usefulness.

Bonus, actually, if he just sees someone else watching DW and thinks the sonic is cool rather than being a fan himself.

PROMPT: I just really want to see a His Dark Materials inspired fic where Tony and only Tony can see people's daemons.

So, every human has one, but are completely unaware of their existence. And Tony's always been able to see them. When he was a kid it was written off as having a lot of imaginary pets/friends, but he never grew out of seeing them. And maybe he wrote it off as being partially cracked for a while, but Tony's still a scientist at heart and he's figured out how all these not-quite real animals relate to the people they follow, and uses that information to his advantage. All the time. Mostly to pick out the quickest and easiest way to piss someone off enough that they leave him alone.

So, maybe Tony's kind of a spazzy genius trope because he's paying more attention to the daemons than the people in his life. And that's been fine for ages because he doesn't have to deal with a lot of people up close and personal, but now that he's an Avenger, that's changing.

I have no preferences for everyone's daemons, but I do imagine Nick Fury's to be the world's most intimidating Great Horned Owl. Also, Thor does not have a daemon, which freaks Tony out to the extreme.

PROMPT: Tony has Cap's shield tattooed on his hip because when he was younger (and drunk) he had decided to get a tattoo of his childhood hero-crush he worshipped or something like that.

Steve finds out.

Bonus point for possessive!Steve and possessive!feelings.

PROMPT: Established relationship.

Steve uses Tony's body as canvas for delicious sticky art. That he then helps clean up. And then he fucks him. ;P

Bonus if Tony was just expecting a little messing around, but Steve actually paints detailed stuff on him until Tony is just wild with want.
Super-bonus if Steve paints on Tony's cock and then sucks him off before fucking a pliant Tony through a second orgasm!

Loki had been able to stand it no more. He had come to Thor tonight with just this in mind, and he had made it so that Thor could not now writhe and buck in protest, Loki meant to luxuriate.

PROMPT: I think part of the reason anyone under Loki's control, Clint especially, looked so exhausted is because they were not allowed to sleep. Natasha told Clint it would take time for him to level out but even a couple of months after he hasn't. He hasn't been able to sleep and the rest of the team is starting to notice.

So it's teambuilding night and the Avengers are playig truth or dare, or something. During the game, something shocking is revealed:
Tony has a tattoo! And judging by his reaction (somehow he manages to be both proud and vaguely ashamed) it has to be pretty epic. Also, how, or why, has he kept it a secret for so long?
But he won't tell them what it actually is, or where it is, for that matter.
The team (especially Steve) become obsessed with finding out about it. But they have to be sneaky about it.
Shenanigans ensue!
Eventually Steve sort of snaps and just demands to know where it is. Tony replies along the line of 'Undress me and find out.' Steve does.
Sex happens!
Afterwards, he remembers what he actually wanted to accomplish (even though the results are pretty awesome) and finally finds the tattoo.
Location and actual tattoo is up to anon, but my eternal love if it is a) incredibly geeky, b) a sort of tramp stamp or c) an incredibly geeky tramp stamp.

PROMPT: Loki had every intention of wreaking havoc upon Midgard the moment his suicide attempt had failed. Really. He'd planned on setting cities ablaze, smashing buildings, pillaging, all of that good stuff.

Too bad he hadn't planned on the place being so FUN.

Destroying City Hall? Maybe if he can squeeze it in between ikebana and his Thai cooking classes. Oh, he tries for the whole supervillain thing, but is it really his fault that he really likes going to yoga and hair products that don't require massive amounts of oils that leave him feeling greasy? Is it really his fault that manicures are so damn RELAXING and that those little Asian ladies in the salon are so charmingly adorable? Besides, his therapist says that all the rage is unhealthy.

TL;DR Loki gets a therapist and finds Earth hobbies that he enjoys in between bothering his brother and his friends.

SUPER BONUS: The Avengers get a petition pleading from the nail salon and his therapist and various instructors for them to please not kill him because he's a considerate customer and is actually a very nice young man.

PROMPT: Game of Thrones inspired prompt!
*Spoilers for those who haven't seen the series*
Loki as Daenerys and Thor as Drogo. I don't know... Loki is given to Thor by Laufey or his greedy brother's in order to gain Asgard's alliance or as a ploy and Loki's all angst and unhappy about it since he's nothing more then a thing to be sold and Thor's kind of a boar upon first impression. Thor turns out to be a great and protective husband though and Loki gains confidence and becomes a great and beloved and powerful leader in Asgard. Except there's like a way happier ending for our couple.

The fic continues here: http://norsekink.livejournal.com/3938.html?thread=14596194#t14596194

Steve doesn't quite know how it happened. He doubts that the other two parties involve understand either.

Darcy, Bruce, gen (first day at Stark Tower)

Phil shouldn’t let it get to him, except that it does.

"I don't know this one." Steve squints at the center of the table.

Tony wrinkles his brow. "I thought you might remember it from the 40s."

"Nope, never heard of it," Steve says.

What it says on the tin.

Tony isn’t paying a whole lot of attention when Barton appears in his lab.

It was Captain America.

Captain. Freaking. America.

Working with Tony Stark is… interesting.