greedy_dancer + humour   124

Imagination Succumbs - templemarker - The Magicians (TV) [Archive of Our Own]
Funny/cute ficlet about the kinds of designs that must have happened.
"Are you fucking kidding me," he says flatly to the giant dick framed by a set of improbably round balls laid out into the mosaic.

Eliot's pleased smile only increases -- it's at Chesire Cat levels now. "You don't think this is the 'beauty of all life'? Come now, Quentin, you must defend your criticism. Art stands on its own merits."

"I can't believe you wasted an afternoon to make a dick joke," Quentin grumbles, slowly climbing down from the stair, notebook tucked under his arm.

Eliot stretches languorously; a perfect beam of sunlight hits him through the treeline and he looks like he's about to swipe a feather out of the air. "Ah, but an artistic dick joke."
themagicians  templemaker  mosaic!fic  quentin/eliot  quentin/arielle  humour  pre-413 
april 2019 by greedy_dancer
Pricked thee out for young men's pleasure - Petra - The Magicians (TV) [Archive of Our Own]
Eliot and Margo meet at college, before he becomes himself, before Brakebills. Love the voices in this!
"I like guys," he says. It still feels true.

"Yeah? Me too. And girls." Margo shrugs, not looking at him. "If it's not for you, it's not for you. We leave it at round one and you can tell your husband how you experimented in college."

"Um," Eliot says, but in Xanax veritas. "I'd do it again. With you."

That gets Margo to meet his eyes again, her eyebrows high. "Yeah? Even though you like guys?"

"I guess."

"Well." She gives him another once-over. "Go swish, honey. Then something else."
petra  themagicians  eliot&margo  eliot/margo  pegging  het  humour 
march 2019 by greedy_dancer
and your enemies closer
A beautiful gen story. Themes of grief/mourning: Nikandros is there for Laurent when Damen can't be.
When Nikandros got up to feed more logs to the fire, Laurent unlaced his boots, sticking his foot out when Nikandros turned around. Nikandros sighed, rolling his eyes, but complied, tugging ungently on each boot while Laurent reclined on his elbows.

“You know,” Laurent remarked casually, “in less kind kingdoms, with less generous monarchs, rolling one’s eyes back like that would result in their being put out with the nearest hot poker.” Nikandros snorted, folding himself cross-legged back to the floor.

“If you intend on demanding my help with your kind and generous trousers, I’d just as soon you go ahead and carry out that sentence now, please.” Laurent laughed lightly, and Nikandros looked momentarily pleased despite himself, before schooling his expression back to impassivity.

“He would have been twenty and nine, today,” Laurent said finally, after another log and the second jug of wine had been consumed.
girlguidejones  captiveprince  gen  angst  happy!ending  humour  from twitter
april 2016 by greedy_dancer
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Station - Anonymous - The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015) [Archive of Our Own]
Illya took a slow, deliberate sip of cold coffee. Gaby pursed her lips and that was when she told him about the gun.

"I know," he said, and they narrowed their eyes at each other. "What, am I an idiot now, that you tell me these things?"

"So only an idiot needs to be told things?" she challenged. "This morning you told me the time. Was I an idiot then?"

"I think I should not answer this. You are in an unreasonable mood."

"Oh, I am unreasonable?" she cried, and he slammed his palm down on the table.

"Yes! Today you are unreasonable. I do not know why."

"Perhaps," said the man with the gun, "you might like the chance to continue this little quarrel at a later date. Shall I tell you how to ensure that you can?"

"I don't know," Gaby sniffed. "Apparently if you try to tell him things, he'll believe you think he's an idiot."
muncle  ot3  illya/gaby  illya/gaby/napoleon  recessivejean  humour  podfic-available 
december 2015 by greedy_dancer
Untitled (http://archiveofourown.org/works/2527214)
Zayn turns into a cat. Annemari does the best banter!
"He, like, fucking exploded or summat. There was this ball of fire, and then—that."

"Fire?" Liam asks. "Why fire?"

"I don't know why there was bloody fire," Louis yells. They're not taking him seriously. He hates that anyway—more so when he's actually being serious—but in this case it's an emergency.

"Alright, calm down," Niall says. "Not our fault your story has holes."

Louis feels like he's going to cry.

"Zayn," he says. "Zayn, come on, tell them."

"Meow," says Zayn.

There's a pause.

"Wow," Harry says. "Yeah, I definitely believe you now." He tickles behind Zayn's ear. Louis hates him. He hates them all.
1D  crack  annemari  zayn/louis  not-NC17  drugs  humour  from twitter
october 2014 by greedy_dancer
Untitled (http://archiveofourown.org/works/2281686)
GIFT FOR ME! Nick & Harry find a good luck charm, but it separates them... Then they lose it & are forced to go after it together. Hilarious and heartbreaking & lovely at the same time.
The shopkeeper had sold it to them for one pound, and the table was suddenly reduced to not a lot more. It should have been his first clue, but he’d been much too busy staring at Harry’s grin to put two and two together.

He’d added a couple of things up by the next day: he’d found forty pounds on a platform, gotten an email about a flat he’d wanted for ages, heard from two repentant exes, and met Beyoncé.

The ensuing weeks sped by like flashes from a train window, money and respect and beauty flickering into his life at a rate he’d never known. Meanwhile, before his eyes, Harry was rising like the proverbial star, a comet on the go. They were reaping, Nick thought, much more than they had sown.

After that a lot of things happened, all at once. Nick got some very nice things, and Harry got some much nicer ones, and then they both got drunk together and tore up what they had between them into little tiny shreds, like a receipt they were trying to destroy.
ferritin4  nick/harry  1D/Radio1  crack  humour  happy!ending  from twitter
september 2014 by greedy_dancer
Tower - threeturn - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own]
Zayn's parents really want him to marry a prince, so they lock him in a tower with a magic spell. Also, Louis is a bat. Amazingly delightful!
"That was gorgeous, mate. Absolutely amazing," said Liam, and hiked himself onto the windowsill. "Didn't know you were a bard."

"Oh, I'm not," said Zayn. "Cow farmer, basically. My parents, I mean." He didn't mention the whole side-line in magic his parents had going. If word got out, it could give the whole game away.

"Well, farmers are the soul of this land," said Liam.

"Right," said Zayn. "And the bloody royals taxing them right and left."

Liam looked stricken.

"Your family too, huh?" Zayn asked. "Between you and me, Liam, I don't think people like us are gonna stand for it much longer."
threeturn  au  magical!creatures  zayn/liam  niall/harry  crack  humour  not-NC17  1D 
september 2014 by greedy_dancer
Baby, I - makesomelove - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own]
Niall is bitten by a baby. And turns into a baby-pire. Like a vampire, except he craves milk, which Harry obviously can provide. Incredibly funny/disturbing/hot.
“Are you hungry?” Harry says. “What do you want to do?”

Niall lies down on the bed. He crooks his leg up and rests his head on his hand, posing and pouting until Harry laughs.

“I want you to fuck me,” Niall says.

“God,” Harry says. Both his nipples are leaking, and pre-come dribbles from his flushed cock. It makes it seem like the angry moth man face tattooed on him is crying because he’s so horny.

“Your tattoos are just a series of bad decisions,” Niall sighs. “You’re going to look ridiculous for the rest of your life.”
makesomelove  1D  niall/harry  kink  crack  humour  h/c  hurt!niall 
august 2014 by greedy_dancer
And This Is How It Starts - pukeandcry - One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF [Archive of Our Own]
Nick & Niall start fucking, Harry & Matt freak out when they find out. So much fun!
To be fair, probably Harry’s no more surprised about the fact that Nick’s fucking Niall Horan than Nick is himself. It’s still a bit perplexing to him, honestly, and it’s been happening -- well, he’s reluctant to call it often, but. Regularly Definitely more than once. For a period of time longer than a month. Several times in more than the course of a month.

When he thinks it like that, it seems actually mad.
nick/niall  1D/Radio1  Nick&Harry  Nick&Matt  humour  pukeandcry 
july 2014 by greedy_dancer
The Disgruntled Novelist's Bodacious Pornographer (or, that time Nick and Louis were rival romance writers) - aliferuined - One Direction (Band) [Archive of Our Own]
Nick is a Serious Romance Writer, Louis is the upstart whose cheap porny novels are getting more successful. Delightful!! :D
“Hiya,” Louis’ voice pipes up from somewhere behind Nick’s laptop screen, “How’re the quivering clutches going?”

“Swimmingly,” Nick replies, shutting his laptop before Louis can try to get his grubby little hands on it. “I trust the throbbing shafts are treating you well.”

“They always do,” Louis says with a grin, slipping into the armchair opposite Nick. He wraps his hands around the mug, blowing on the tea so a puff of steam warms his face. “Already started on your new novel, then? Nice to see such dedication to the craft.”

Nick snorts, caught a little off-guard. He didn’t expect to be seeing anyone today, let alone his sworn enemy. He resists the urge to try and fix his hair. “I do try.”

“What’s it about, then? Your books are always so posh.”

“The word is refined,” Nick drawls, setting his laptop down under the table, “It’s set in the 18th century, and it’s about two Classical-era composers. They’re rivals. That’s all you’re getting from me.”

“So it’s Mozart fanfiction, then.”
Nick/Louis  1D/Radio1  aliferuined  au  real-life!au  meta  hate!sex  crack  humour  first-time 
may 2014 by greedy_dancer
chillipshaw - teaboytoaliens - Radio 1 RPF [Archive of Our Own]
Aimee and Nick woo Ian into a threesome. So well done, love the mixed-media feel :D
To: Ian Chaloner, Nicholas Grimshaw
From: Aimee Phillips
Subject: re: Terms and Conditions
[attached: threesome_contract_signed.pdf]

First order of business: when and where.
xoxo

To: Ian Chaloner, Aimee Phillips
From: Nicholas Grimshaw
Subject: re: Terms and Conditions
[attached: AUBERGINEEMOJI.pdf]

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR REAL TALK.

To: Nicholas Grimshaw, Aimee Phillips
From: Ian Chaloner
Subject: re: Terms and Conditions

You *have* signed it though, so.
teaboytoaliens  threesome  mixed!orientation  humour  R1RPF  aimee/ian/nick  first-time  crack 
march 2014 by greedy_dancer
Yours Faithfully - threeturn - One Direction (Band), Little Mix (Band) [Archive of Our Own]
The one where Zayn and Liam are angsty intergalactic popstars, Harry/Louis are the bonded slaves given to them, and Niall is the sentient spaceship in love with the President. DELIGHTFUL AND HILARIOUS.
Ship's Log * 18.4.3281 Sadela

Sadela: Strange planet. Bizarre native customs.

Performance: Who knows? ZM and LP uncommunicative.

New Cargo Report: fangifts as follows: 63 stuffed animals; 26 pairs lacy undergarments; two trays small local baked goods; one three-tiered chocolate (?) cake; one cross-stitch depiction of ZM and LP in passionate embrace; six hand-knit tentacle warmers (useless); eight vibrating oddly-shaped devices of unknown function; 17 boxes of candy (I think??); 32 bouquets of flowers; 85 sealed envelopes addressed variously to ZM, LP, or both; one aquarium containing three small shelled reptiles; Harry; Louis.

Zayn Malik: Broke it off with LP. Whined. Asleep.

Liam Payne: Won't talk. Says life over. Asleep.

Harry and Louis: Offered me blowjobs. Very polite. Asleep.

Notes: Contact Ambassador Cowell re H and L? Unsure correct diplomatic protocol. Repatriation possible? How? Unknown impact on Terran/Sadelan cultural exchange. What would the president say? ?
au  harry/louis  zayn/liam  zayn/harry  liam/louis  space!au  humour  slavefic  polyamory  soulbonding  h/c  threeturn  ***  OT5  1D  LittleMix  from twitter
january 2014 by greedy_dancer
This Is Your Fault (Where Circumference Is Irrelevant, and Length Matters) - sunsetmog - One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF [Archive of Our Own]
Nick wakes up in Louis' body thanks to Harry 'Secret Wizard' Styles miscasting a spell. Hilarious! :p
He turns the shower on. "And did he put you up to this? Louis Dickhead Tomlinson?"

"Might have done," Harry says. "Don't remember."

"Tell him his dick's smaller than mine," Nick yells, over the sound of the shower.

Harry pushes open the bathroom door. "Tell him yourself, he's coming over. He says he's measured your dick and his is wider."

"Oh god," Nick says, pulling back the shower curtain. It's not like it's his body anyway, it doesn't need more than a lick and a promise before he leaves for work. "How long's he been up if he's got the fucking measuring tape out? Someone get me a measuring tape."
bodyswap  crack  sunsetmog  1D/Radio1  Nick/Louis  Nick&Harry  gen  humour  au 
january 2014 by greedy_dancer
Curtains Are Monogamous - sheldrake - Original Work, Furniture - Fandom [Archive of Our Own]
The hilarious and sweet love story of a pair of curtains.
We are in love!! I knew it. The bookcase said I was being stupid, but I didn't listen to him. That bookcase thinks he knows everything.

But we are in love. She said so! It makes me want to do a little happy face, like this -- :)

I can't though, because I'm a curtain. :(

Back later!!
sheldrake  anthropomorphic  humour  crack 
october 2013 by greedy_dancer
Destiny - Resonant - 21 Jump Street (2012) [Archive of Our Own]
Jesus Christ this was better than I thought it could be :p
"I'm just saying. First we have to stick our fingers in each other's mouths in a public restroom. Then you have to pretend to blow me in a Peter Pan costume. Then we have to pose as a couple during New Student Week. Then you fall in the lake at the freshman camp-out and I have to save you from hypothermia. And now we have to spend hours hiding out in a very small broom closet until the last frat guy passes out."

"How is that," Schmidt began, scrubbing his sweaty face against Jenko's shoulder in the dark, and Jenko said, "I'm just saying, maybe this shit is going to keep happening to us until we accept our fate. Maybe gay sex is, like, our destiny."

It was too dark to read Schmidt's expression, but his voice sounded confused. "Do you want to have gay sex with me?"

"No! No way! One hundred percent invested in a future of straight, heterosexual sex, with women, who have breasts and pussy and actually think 'Sex and the City' is interesting."

"'Sex and the City' is instructive from a fashion point of view, if nothing else," Schmidt said. "In the area of shoes, it really set a trend."
crack  resonant  21jumpSt  schmidt/jenko  first-time  humour 
june 2013 by greedy_dancer
the_eagle_kink - Prompt Post 3
Marcus, Esca & Cottia share a student house with Esca's various one-night stands, until Marcus loses his shit & makes his move. Super fun banter.
“One of your improbably named dates was just here,” Marcus says blandly. “At least this one didn’t eat my croissant.”

“Oh but he ate my croissant,” Esca breathes happily. “We had some lovely croissant-neuf as the French might say.”

“I didn’t get to see this one,” Cottia pouts. “Was he good looking Marcus?”

Marcus shrugs. “Not especially.”

“That French one yesterday was gorgeous.”

“I know, right?” Esca says enthusiastically. “He had the most amazing cock as well, it was…”

“Esca, for Christ’s sake! No one wants to hear about some French guy’s genatalia. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning.”

“8 o’cock,” says Cottia.

“And it was! 8 inches o’cock. Lovely stuff.”

“ESCA!” Marcus practically explodes.
au  college!au  marcus/esca  esca/omc  humour  pouxin  TheEagle 
april 2013 by greedy_dancer
Once you've fallen from classical virtue - lanyon - The Avengers (2012), Captain America (Movies), Marvel 616 [Archive of Our Own]
Steve and Bucky lose their memories due to a spell, obviously fucking ensues. Classic amnesia-made-them-do-it scenario, super enjoyable.
“Oh my god, we’re nerds. We’re actual - do we cosplay?” He’s staring at the open closet and there are clothes in there that grown men shouldn’t wear. “What’s with this, seriously?” He jabs his finger at a blue, white and red onesie before pulling it out.

He stares at the blonde guy accusingly. “It has a utility belt.”

The blonde guy’s sitting on the bed, looking more bemused than ever. “Halloween costume?” Something catches his eye then and he pushes past to pull out what looks like a highly authentic military uniform.

“Are we Army?” the blonde guy asks.

“Are we some kinda weird fetishists?” he asks in response.

“No, but if we’re Army,” says the blonde guy, who’s clearly the persistent sort, “we might have ID tags.”
amnesia  avengers  steve/bucky  first-time  misunderstandings  happy!ending  lanyon  post-movie  humour  domestic!fic 
february 2013 by greedy_dancer
Minus One Degree Centigrade - lc2l - Skyfall (2012) [Archive of Our Own]
It's the SNOWPOCALYPSE in Britain! Bond and Q try to deal. Super fun.
The car in front of him moves forward about an inch, then rolls back three. Bond manfully resists the urge to scream, matching Q's detached tone. "Are you near a computer."

"Is that a stupid question?"

The urge to scream is rising. "Any news on the weather?"

He can hear a few clicks across the line. "It's not good news."

If Bond squints, he can just about see a few square inches of white on the pavements. "Just tell me."

A few more clicks. "Snow," Q says. "Air temperature of one degree centigrade. They've closed several roads. The trains aren't running."

Bond grits his teeth and turns the heating in the car up a little. "How much snow, Q?"

A moment's pause, Bond can imagine Q shaking his head. "Almost half an inch. I can't get out the house." A pause. "Be careful."
skyfall  crack  bond/q  lc2l  humour  gen  first-time  *** 
january 2013 by greedy_dancer
the sheer lack of professionalism - scioscribe - Skyfall (2012), James Bond (Movies) [Archive of Our Own]
Q gets randomly kidnapped by incompetents. He tries to talk them out of getting killed when his rescue arrives. Fun banter.
“Oh, well done. I really do like you. Which is why I’m trying to stop you from getting shot in the head when people come to rescue me.”

“The only person who’s coming is coming to bring your ransom money,” Driver said.

Q blinked. “What? You didn’t make a call!”

“We texted. Twenty-first century and all that.”

“Oh yes. Repeating. The height of cleverness. Who, pray tell, did you text to ask for ransom money? I’m just asking for entertainment value, mind.”

“Your most-called number,” Driver said, with a snotty look that said he’d topped Q for cleverness good and all this time. “That ‘Bond’ number.”

Q looked at him. “You—sorry. You texted James Bond to ask him to come and ransom me? You texted James Bond and told him you kidnapped me?”
bond/q  skyfall  humour  crack  scioscribe 
january 2013 by greedy_dancer
a higher form of war - gdgdbaby - The Avengers (2012), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe [Archive of Our Own]
Avengers take on the paintball episode of Community. Cracky goodness!
Galaga George laughs, a tinge of hysterical in it. "You know what's going on. You heard Director Fury!"

"Sorry, did I miss something? I thought this was just a paintball game."

George finally runs out of ammo and tosses the weapon aside. Tony lands cautiously, clunking forward. "Just a paintball game?" He cackles again. "This is so much more than a paintball game, Mr. Stark. This is a battle—last agent standing gets the prize."

"I'm honestly not that interested in the prize," Tony says, trying for placating and ending up somewhere around the vicinity of condescending. Pepper keeps telling him he should work on that. "Look, I just want to see my friends and then maybe make it back to New York City in time to grab dinner before all the restaurants close. I'm not playing the game. Avengers Tower was kind of demolished, see, and as the guy whose name is on the lease, I also need to—"

"What are you talking about?" George whips another paintball gun out from behind his back. Oh, Christ. "Everyone's playing the game," he says, target locked and acquired, and then—
avengers  steve/tony  gdgdbaby  au  tv-based!au  crack  humour  community 
november 2012 by greedy_dancer
Talk Up, Bend Down - jibrailis - Inception (2010) [Archive of Our Own]
Arthur and Eames are snowed in and tell each other dirty stories to pass the time.
"I have plenty of fantasies," Arthur says. He licks his lips. "But I see what you're trying to do. Fine. Since you began this, I might as well end this."

Arthur was a civilian. He'd never gone into the dream trade. He'd never met Mal and Dom. He'd never gotten arrested. He was a perfectly normal guy who had graduated from college with a perfectly normal degree and worked as, I don't know, a hedge fund manager or something. His days were uneventful but no one tried to shoot him or kill him or stab him in the knee with a piece of celery.

"It was the once," Eames says. "You really need to get over that."

"It was twice, actually, and I'm going to make you pay for it for the rest of our lives," Arthur said.

Anyway, this other Arthur worked from nine to five, but what his colleagues didn't know was that after he got off work, he went to a bar. A gay bar. Where gay men hung out.

"Thank you for the specificity," Eames interrupts.
arthur/eames  inception  jibrailis  humour  meta 
october 2012 by greedy_dancer
Idle Rainbow - valtyr - Marvel Adventures: Avengers [Archive of Our Own]
Tony has been trying to take things slow for Steve's first time. Steve is fed up with waiting.
"Really, really ready," Steve said, Steve growled. "In fact, I'd say I was ready three weeks ago when I tried to get your pants open in the Ferrari."

"It is a very sexy car," Tony opened his eyes and tried a smile. "I just - "

"I felt pretty ready last week, when I caught you just out of the shower and you ran away saying you'd left the oven on?"

"Uh - "

"Or two days ago, when I was so ready I went to sleep naked in your bed and you very considerately slept on the couch." Steve was almost glaring. Tony patted him on the hip, and reached for a soothing, diplomatic tone of voice.

"I just don't want you to feel pressured. I know this is very different from the time you grew up in -"

"And one of the things I love about it is that it's okay to have sex. Which I would like to do." Steve's scowl deepened, and Tony patted him again.
avengers  steve/tony  valtyr  first-time  virgin!steve  humour  pwp 
september 2012 by greedy_dancer
Five Interventions the Avengers Held For Each other and One They Held For Loki - silverfoxflower - The Avengers (2012) [Archive of Our Own]
Super cracky, super funny. (Spoiler: Tony doesn't actually have sex with robots)
Steve started carefully, “I don’t know very much about this sexual fetish because, well, we didn’t talk about this kind of thing in the forties. Also there were no robots. But I hope you don’t feel that this meeting is attacking you for your sexual preferences, because the SHIELD sexual harassment seminar I went to said that that’s a bad thing to do. So I’ll just say that we all wish that you are safer, and quieter, in your activities in the future. Thank you.”

“Robots can’t give consent, Tony.” Natasha said, “You’re a robot rapist.”

“I just … can’t look the Mark VI in the eye anymore,” Bruce said helplessly.

Clint shook his head, “Please God tell me you’ve stayed away from the kitchen appliances.

“I have composed a ballad for this occasion!” Thor announced, because no one had been able to convince him that this wasn’t a storytelling competition. “It is called, Of how the Man of Iron did grapple with his desire for metal flesh.”
avengers  crack  loki/tony  humour  steve&the21stcentury  thor&the21stcentury  silverfoxflower 
september 2012 by greedy_dancer
sutlers: Just Temporary, Ma'am (Darcy/Clint)
Darcy gets Clint to be her fake boyfriend to get Jane off her back, and gets Tony to propose to Pepper.
"Okay, listen up, Barton," she said, straightening up and pushing her hair out of her face. "I'm in love with you."

"Okay," Clint said, with the air of a man who had just popped out to get a beer and run into Doctor Doom trying to hold up the Quik-Mart; which, you know, had probably actually happened to him once or twice.

"I just need to get Jane off my tits, please God, help me do this and be my fake boyfriend. She thinks I'm having trouble adjusting."

Now Clint was looking at her tits, so Darcy congratulated herself on words well chosen and pushed her shoulders back on the pretense of getting a crick out of her neck.

"Does this mean we get to make out?" Clint said finally, dubiously.

"Deal," Darcy said.
sutlers  avengers  clint/darcy  fake!dating  het  tony/pepper  humour 
september 2012 by greedy_dancer
naamah_darling: Bloody Hell!
That incredible rant from 2004 about periods and feminine hygiene products.
I finally located a product I thought would do (these companies change their packaging and drop products every month so it's senseless to settle on a brand) and realized that its major selling point appeared to be "quietest pouch!" Complete with a touchable sample applied to the outside of the package, in case you need convincing.

Because God forbid your cats should hear you changing your she-diaper at 3 a.m. and think that you're opening a package of kitty-treats.

Seriously? All I can think of is that this must have been demanded by teenage girls who were so embarrassed by the Crinkly Pouch Of Humiliation that they would sooner use their own socks than admit to the world that they, just like virtually every other woman between thirteen and fifty, have a period. Gone, gone are the days of furtive rustling in high-school bathrooms, covered up by the sound of a flushing toilet or well-timed cough. Gone are the days of the incriminating crinkle when one fishes for a cell-phone in one's purse. We, my sisters, are Free At Last.

So I took them home, cursed and snarled until the perforations-that-weren't forced me to gut the package like a deer carcass, and I tried out the "quietest pouch" which was indeed so whisper-silent that if I were a ninja, and I was bleeding vaginally, I would accept no other brand. Of course, were I a vaginally-bleeding ninja, I would have bigger problems to worry about.
humour  rant  naamah_darling  non-fandom 
july 2012 by greedy_dancer
Call Sign - FabulaRasa - Top Gun (1986) [Archive of Our Own]
I choose to believe this is in the same verse as Kings of the Air, 20 years later. It's 2008, and Maverick is upset that a certain presidential candidate is usurping his callsign.
"Un-fucking-believable."‎

‎"So stop watching." Tom didn't look up from the stack of papers he was reviewing, and his ‎reading glasses were a little cockeyed on his face—the glasses he only ever wore here, behind ‎closed doors, because pilots maintained the illusion of 20/20 vision, even when their forty-fifth ‎birthdays were a year or two in the rearview.‎

‎"I just—I cannot fucking believe it. Every time he says it—every time I read it—I just want to ‎break something."‎

‎"Mm." Tom shuffled through to the next stack. It wasn't like he hadn't heard this before.‎

‎"It's my name, goddamnit!"‎

‎"It's not your actual name, Pete."‎
fabularasa  topgun  iceman/maverick  schmoop  humour  post-movie  future!fic 
july 2012 by greedy_dancer
To Be Modified As Necessary - ignipes - The Avengers (2012), Captain America (2011), Thor (2011) [Archive of Our Own]
Ten rules to ensure (relatively) peaceful cohabitation at Avengers mansion. Alternatively schmoopy, cracky, and emotional.
Rule 4. Those who make the dares are responsible for at least fifty percent of the bail money.

"Captain Rogers," Fury says. "Do I want to know why every newspaper, media outlet, and gossip blogger in the city is reporting that Captain America teamed up with Batman last night to terrorize the streets of Queens with their own brand of vigilante justice?"

"No, sir," Steve says. "You don't want to know that." He pauses. "Batman isn't a real person, sir. And anybody can buy a Captain America costume. They sell them on the internet."

There is a long silence at the other end of the line. Then Fury says, "I better not hear anything else about a fictional caped crusader roaming the streets of New York."
avengers  ignipes  humour  angst  happy!ending  post-movie  domestic!fic  steve/bucky  natasha/bucky  clint/natasha  thor/jane  alive!coulson  kid!fic  deaging  child!fic 
july 2012 by greedy_dancer
Team Debriefing - 51stCenturyFox - The Avengers (2012), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe [Archive of Our Own]
Debriefing turns into an orgy after the team has some strange chocolates. Fun!
Natasha was sitting sideways across Bruce's lap, grinding rhythmically as his hands roamed over her back, and it looked like were kissing. Scratch that; it looked like they were trying to eat each other's faces.

"Geez," breathed Steve.

"We should get popcorn," Clint whispered.

"I'm full," Steve whispered back. "Those chocolates..."

Clint gave him a "you idiot" look and Steve got it.

"Oh. Right. Popcorn."
avengers  51stCenturyFox  gsf  sex!pollen  humour  pwp 
june 2012 by greedy_dancer
the helicarrier - gdgdbaby - The Avengers (2012), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Avengers Movies Universe [Archive of Our Own]
A camera crew follows the Avengers around the helicarrier. Hilarious.
"No need to be so formal. Just call me Steve." He peers into the lens so closely that his face blurs a little. "Oh, sorry. Anyway—yes, I'd say I'm acclimating well to the future. Everyone's been very helpful and understanding. The other day Clint told me about inception." He looks excited. "Apparently you can go into people's heads while they're asleep and build them specific dreams. Amazing!"

*

"Cap believes a lot of things," Clint says, idly polishing an arrowhead with his thumb. "He hasn't learned Google yet."
avengers  steve/tony  clint/natasha  gdgdbaby  crack  humour  post-movie  gen  innocent!steve  steve&the21stcentury 
may 2012 by greedy_dancer
From a Seed - theorytale - The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011), Iron Man (Movies) [Archive of Our Own]
Prompt: Okay so, I had this dream last night... Basicaly, Loki bursts into the avengers mansion and forces a potted plant into Tony's hands and says 'this is your child' and storms out.
Thor laughed. "It is far from the strangest thing my brother has given birth to! Why, I recall - but nay, that story is not mine to tell."

"Excuse me, did you just say your brother has given birth." This whole conversation was rapidly giving Tony a headache, and then it got worse because Steve sucked in a breath and turned to him with an absolutely horrified and appalled expression.

"You slept with Loki?!"

Well, shit. Tony took a breath, mentally sorting through his options. He'd been drunk? Loki had put some kind of spell on him? He'd been drunk and Loki had put some kind of spell on him?
avengers  humour  crack  loki/tony  theorytale  baby!fic  trickster!loki  child!fic 
may 2012 by greedy_dancer
Run Program: DUM-E - Amuly - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]
The story of Steve and Tony... From the pov of Dummy the robot. 10k.
Timestamp: 03·05·12_01·15
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.
Run Program: Feed(Tony).
Trigger: No food.
Run Program: Make(Toast).
Running.
Running.
Running.
Kitchen on fire.
avengers  steve/tony  humour  schmoop  h/c  crack  amuly  from twitter
may 2012 by greedy_dancer
every dong has its day - zarathuse - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]
Tony finds his Dad's notes on Captain America, re:unchanged size of his penis. He goes on a campaign to let Steve know he is okay with small dicks. Of course, it backfires.
All other avenues exhausted, Tony decides to just wing it.

That mainly involves a lot of this:

“Mmmm,” Tony says, licking his fingers obscenely. “I love these little baby corn things. They’re the perfect size. Like, sometimes a regular ear of corn is just too big, you know? I like to be able to get all of something in my mouth at once.”
“Shit,” Tony says, making a show of struggling to get a grip on his Coke can. “Who decided that aluminum cans had to be so big? If I have to hold something, I’d rather be able to get a really firm grip on it.”
“I never liked the circus as a kid,” Tony says, lowering his voice like he’s sharing a secret. “The elephants freaked me out. I’m intimidated by large objects.”
“Taco Bell is amazing,” Tony says, waving his plastic spork enthusiastically. “Look how huge my hand looks holding this tiny silverware. I fucking love that, I love holding little things. It makes me feel all powerful and sexy.”

It’s pretty fucking weaksauce, Tony knows, but it’s honestly the best he’s got.
avengers  steve/tony  zarathuse  pwp  crack  humour  first-time 
may 2012 by greedy_dancer
sam_storyteller: Avengers: Extremely Hot And Currently Female
"Headcanon: Loki randomly shows up naked and sometimes female whenever he feels like it, and whenever Tony is too drunk to remember why sleeping with the enemy is heavily frowned upon. Tony whines about it in the mornings, but Steve is never sympathetic. They agree that Thor should never be told about it." Funny and unexpectedly emotional towards the end. 9k.
"Man, bros before trickster gods," Clint said. "This is uncool, Tony."

"But you understand this isn't some sort of...chastity drive," Steve said. Only Steve could say that kind of thing with a completely innocent expression. "Tony, we're genuinely worried that you are being..."

"Taken advantage of," Bruce supplied. "I mean, mind control has been mentioned."

"No, sorry, at this point I'm pretty sure this is a hundred percent me being just that easy," Tony said.

"Have you tried not being easy?" Clint asked.

"Worst six months of my life. But okay, hear me out," Tony tried again. "Here's my plan: don't get that drunk. At least not until, you know, she's not a problem anymore."

The rest of the Avengers, sans Thor, looked speculative.
sam_storyteller  avengers  loki/tony  female!loki  baby!fic  timetravel  au  crack  humour  comics-canon  child!fic 
may 2012 by greedy_dancer
mistresscurvy: Fic: Frank the Human Seahorse (PG-13, OT4)
Omg.
Jamia and Gerard each take a hand as they stare at her. "Well, the good news is that we finally know what's been behind all of your stomach ailments."

"Please tell me he's not dying," Gerard says, and Jamia reaches across Frank and hits him in the stomach.

"You can't tell that from a cotton swab, dumbass." She fixes Dr. Silverstein with a stare that Frank recognizes. "He's not, right?"

They all start to breathe again when she shakes her head. "No. In fact, this should actually make your life easier in the long run, but. Frank, there's no easy way to tell you this." She pauses, her eyes sorrowful.

Frank breaks first. "Fuck, Rachel, just tell me," he begs, all formality gone in this moment.

Dr. Silverman nods. "Frank, I can't believe we didn't test you for this before, but preliminary tests indicate that you're a human seahorse."
bandom  mcr  OT4  mpreg  crack  humour  father!frank  mistresscurvy 
may 2012 by greedy_dancer
the five stages of grading | not that kind of doctor
Bargaining. This stage usually begins as an earnest attempt to buckle down and grade. The instructor might say, “If I grade five papers, I can watch one episode of House,” or, “For every page I grade, I get to eat a piece of candy.” This process starts well, but as the instructor progresses the amount of work required to achieve the reward generally becomes smaller and smaller, until the instructor is checking Facebook after every sentence he or she grades.
non-fandom  meta  article  humour 
may 2012 by greedy_dancer
Blueprints For Building Better Boys - dear_monday - Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]
Amanda Palmer & Janelle Monae have build robot!MCR. And they're all adorable.
The camera flashes are bright, and every inch of space in the room is packed. There's a low hum of conversation among the journos, sharp and wary, and too many pairs of eyes fixed on them. They wait behind the table, and the noise gradually begins to die down, but the staring doesn't stop. When the crowd eventually quiets, Amanda takes a sip from the glass of water in front of her and adjusts her microphone.

"Eight years ago," she begins, and the hush that's fallen over the room is almost eerie. "Dr. Monae and myself began work on the ArchAndroid project. We designed and assembled the prototypes, created language chips and programmed responses to thousands of different situations and stimuli. By the time they were ready, we'd designed and tested everything, right down to the cybernetics and the synthetic organs."

They're eating out of the palm of her hand now, notebooks and dictaphones forgotten.

Amanda smiles. "Two months ago," she says, "We switched them on for the first time."
dear_monday  bandom  robot!frank  robot!mikey  robot!gerard  robot!ray  mcr  gsf  humour 
april 2012 by greedy_dancer
Jeff Erno's Blog - Follow the Rules! - January 13, 2012 07:47
The “Thirteen Commandments of m/m Romance”.
4. No chicks with dicks. Men are men and women are women. These clear gender roles must be adhered to. God forbid you portray a gay male character who is emotive. Certainly in real life, none of the gay men we know are flamboyant. None of them show any emotion. If they did, their sensitivity would just be way too irritating. After all, the reason we are reading romance with all male characters is because we don’t want to be reading about women! If you write your gay men with emotions like women, you may as well just write a het romance, for God’s sake.
slash-and-gay-men  resource  humour  meta 
january 2012 by greedy_dancer
A piece of chicken - Gorgeous Nerd (gorgeousnerd) - Bandom, My Chemical Romance, British Actor RPF [Archive of Our Own]
Heeee! "This is based on a quote from an Alternative Press article: "Toro and the rest of the band also watched as an actor (known to play an all-powerful wizard) eyed Mikey Way 'like he was a piece of chicken'." The real world is more cracked-out than I could ever be."
Oh. Oh. As the velvet-toned come on wasn't enough, the look he was giving him. Fuck, Mikey was getting The Look from Magneto. It was lucky his usual look was stoic or he'd be doing a Gerard-level flip-out right now. And maybe checking for metal nearby, just in case.

"I. Uh." He cleared his throat again and willed it down to a lower register. "Sure."
bandom  mcr  crack  gorgeousnerd  mikey/ianmckellen  crossover  lotr  humour 
january 2012 by greedy_dancer
my chemical lolmance
3, 2, 1, WE ARRIVED TO PARTICIPATE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITIES
humour  crack  mcr  bandom  from twitter
november 2011 by greedy_dancer
Personal Fanon - When Bookmarks Were In Mustache Land
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Geek Chorus (A Bunch Of Very Nice Women [Mostly] Who Write Stories Set In Various Popular Fictional Worlds, With Lots Of Crazy Sex)
Delicious (A Website, Home To Many Cherished Links)
Sandy (A Representative For Diigo)
Maciej Cegłowski (A Pinboard Developer With A Keen Business Sense And A Somewhat Odd Yet Sort Of Endearing Epic Grudge Against Bedbugs)
Longtime Pinboard Users (A Demographic Largely Consisting Of Tech-Oriented Men)
The Monsterdoc (A GDoc That Could Seriously Fuck Your Shit Up)
The OCD!Anons (A Subset Of Fandom With A Lot Of Spare Time And A Fetish For Consistent Margins)
Johannes (Some Guy From The Internet)
delicious!fail  meta  jedusaur  crack  humour 
october 2011 by greedy_dancer
sunsetmog_fics: Fic: A Life Less Ordinary [Brendon/Spencer, Pretend Boyfriends]
Fake!dating prompt: based off Spaced.
"The situation is getting pretty desperate, and then Brent emails them both an advert that says, rooms available to Rent. In Converted house. Suitable 4 young professional couple. Contact marsha. No COBRAS allowed. previous applicants don't apply again. The rent is really reasonable. "No cobras allowed?" Brendon says. "We're going to die. What is this place?" "We're going to be homeless if we don't," Spencer says. "I'll call Marsha," Spencer says. "I'll tell her that neither of us have any cobras." "Slight problem," Brendon says, ignoring the frown his manager is giving him. "We're not a young professional couple." "No," Spencer says, "but we are desperate. And desperate people can pretend to be anything." "Huh," Brendon says. "Okay.""
bandom  patd  fluff  humour  brendon/spencer  au  sunsetmog  domestic!fic  tv-based!au  fake!dating 
august 2011 by greedy_dancer
THE Lorax Smith - FIC: Perchance to Dream (1/1) Bandom
Gerard wakes up naked in bed with Frank.
"“Frank.” He’s still whispering, because he’s not sure where they are. He knows it’s not his house, and he’s pretty sure they’re not in Jersey, which leaves…a lot of space in between. “Frank. Why am I naked?” “Gift horse.” Frank grabs his pillow and pulls it over his head, his tattoos dark against the white linens, even though there’s no light in the room except for a little bit of moon coming in over the edge of the balcony. “There was a horse?” Frank groans and burrows more into the mattress, pressing the pillow down harder. Gerard lifts up the edge and looks at his ear and the darker blur of his scorpion tattoo. “I think I’d remember a horse.”"
romanticalgirl  bandom  mcr  frank/gerard  sleepy!sex  humour 
august 2011 by greedy_dancer
angelsandkings: FIC: A Stately Pleasure Dome Decree
Gods AU. Pete, Mikey, Gabe and Frank are bored of the nectar of the gods: they want some fucking nachos.
"Pete gives Mikey a look of warning and takes another drink from his never-empty cup. “Gabe is right, you know.” “Never tell him that,” Mikey informs him, crawling across the floor to the couch Pete and Gabe are resting on, climbing up on Gabe and draping himself over him. “It goes to his head.” “Right, because being a god doesn’t do that already.” Gabe gives Mikey a smirk, which earns him a sharp stab beneath his ribs. “Ow.” “Besides.” Mikey ignores Gabe completely. “He’s never right.” “No, he is.” Pete pushes his cup away. “We’re gods.” “Well, yeah,” Mikey shrugs. “He’s right about that, but you can’t give him credit for known facts.” “We’re gods, so…we should get nachos.” Both Gabe and Mikey look at him, and Pete shrugs. “Yeah, yeah. It’s not taking over the world or whatever the Titans and shit wanted to do, but…I mean, couldn’t you go for some really amazing nachos?”"
bandom  gen  romanticalgirl  crack  humour  mcr  cs  fob  au  magical!creatures 
august 2011 by greedy_dancer
Personal Fanon - Projekt Gayhem
Gabe's slowly learning the rules of the Hipster scene.
""You know who that is?" Gabe asks William. "The guy with his hair tucked under his earpieces?" William looks, then snorts gracefully. William does everything gracefully. He probably shits gracefully, not that Gabe ever wants to actually find out. "That's Mikeyway," he says, like he's identifying Angelina Jolie or the president. Gabe has never heard the name. "Is he someone I should know?" William shrugs. "He's basically the king of the hipsters." "Hey," Gabe jokes, "are you calling me a hipster? I resemble that remark!" William gives him a long-suffering stare. Gabe wilts a little and files away the lesson more carefully this time."
bandom  mcr  cs  gabe/mikey  crack  humour  jedusaur  au  not-NC17 
july 2011 by greedy_dancer
valerielewis.net
Hahaha, awesome crack! Brian brings Gerard back, Gerard can't stop gushing about the Rage artwork on Brian's walls.
"Gerard seemed unconcerned about being blacklisted. He turned back to the sketch. "Brian went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink. The guy had seemed so promising. He was hot, all porcelain skin and eyelashes, with painted-on black jeans, a perfect ass, pretty but not so young that Brian would feel like a dirty old man. He was also refreshingly sober in a crowd where the methheads easily outnumbered everyone else. But when Brian got him home he discovered two troubling facts: that the smell he'd thought was a homeless guy in the alley was actually the smell of Gerard, and that Gerard did not shut up."
bandom  mcr  crack  crossover  valerie_z  qaf  gerard/briankinney  humour 
july 2011 by greedy_dancer
yekoc: i don't know what to do with this [not!fic]
Not!fic in which Gerard is the creepy slashboy who ends up meeting his idol - LynZ, who's in a band - by chance and they get together.
"and [Gerard] spends approximately the next week in his basement wallowing in depression about the fact that he actually could NOT have possibly been more creepy or desperate or weird upon meeting lyn-z, as opposed to all the scenarios he had thought up in his head where he saved her from a burning building or became the most famous artist in the world and she couldn't even afford his paintings so he gave her one free or he was a superhero and she was a mutant with latent powers that activated suddenly and he had to ~help her adjust~ and then they became an awesome crimefighting team and also had lots of sex AT LEAST HE DELETED THE FIC :D ? ?"
bandom  gerard/lyn-z  mcr  het  mikey/ray  not!fic  yekoc  crack  humour  angst 
july 2011 by greedy_dancer
Drink yourself more bliss - "He’s been waiting all his life to supply those dance moves."
Morebliss' transcript of that old Frank & Mikey Australian interview with "36 inch plasma spiders" and 80s wrestlers, with links to relevant videos.
interview  article  mcr  bandom  humour  morebliss 
may 2011 by greedy_dancer
no_tags: #35 9½ Things to Do With a Time Machine and Panic! at the Disco
Patd/Dr Who crossover. Hilarious!
"Hellllllllo, Las Vegas!" The man stumbled out through the door, arms already held aloft in a victory pose, awaiting the thunderous applause that was about to greet... The lone cricket who does contract work for all these sorts of occasions chirped to emphasize the complete lack of cheering audience. The man opened his eyes. He was in a garage. "Hullo," he said, "this isn't the 25th anniversary concert of Panic! at the Disco, is it?" A pair of small 13-year-old boys blinked back at him in stunned disbelief. One of them dropped a drumstick. "Oh, I see, right," the man said. "I'll come back when you're a bit older, then, shall I?" He disappeared back into the large blue phone box that had just materialized out of nowhere in the corner of the garage and now dematerialized again, leaving the space bare. Spencer turned to Ryan with a puzzled frown. "You have any idea who that was?" he asked, perplexed. Ryan shrugged."
gen  crossover  bandom  au  patd  drwho  themadlurker  humour  tv-based!au 
april 2011 by greedy_dancer
nokomis305: Fic: Another Cog in the Murder Machine (Sue Sylvester/Bob Bryar)
Hilarious, omg!
“Bob Bryar? Coach Sue Sylvester here,” came a curt, crisp voice that hadn’t changed in the slightest from the last time Bob had heard it, back on Daytona Beach as he was kicked out of his own hotel room as Sue called after him, “Our business here is done. I’ll send you my dry-cleaning bill.” “Coach Sylvester,” Bob said warily. “I need your assistance in a little matter of national importance,” Sue said. Bob waited patiently for her to get to the point. “The New Directions must not sing a My Chemical Romance song.” “I didn’t know erections could sing,” Bob said, confused. “Focus, buddy,” Sue said. “None of your dirty talk.”"
mcr  bandom  crossover  crack  het  glee  bob/suesylvester  humour  nokomis305 
march 2011 by greedy_dancer
theopteryx: more ridiculous not!fic. oh goodness.
Frank gets a cursed tattoo that creates Frank Lero, his evil twin, who sets about ruining his life! SO GREAT.
"SO ANYWAY he ends up getting this tattoo of a mustache on his finger because IT'S FUNNY, RIGHT? LOOK, HE HAS A MUSTACHE, A HO HO HO, HILARIOUS, but of course he accidentally got a cursed tattoo that feeds on his secret feelings and inadequacies and ends up making EVIL FRANK LERO. Frank Lero is everything Frank is not! He is kind of mean and an asshole but totally self-confident enough to get away from it and he also sleeps with ALL OF THE PEOPLE. And Frank totally does not even catch on at first until people start making comments to him like HA HA HA LAST NIGHT AT THAT PARTY RIGHT I CAN'T BELIEVE IT DUDE YOU ARE INSANE and Frank's like uhm I was home last night rereading The Ear the Eye and the Arm and making notations in the margins o_____o and everyone is like LOL WHATEVER DUDE YOU'RE HILARIOUS and Frank is like uhhh...ok? :/ "
bandom  mcr  not!fic  theopteryx  frank/gerard  crack  humour  angst  virgin!Frank  *** 
february 2011 by greedy_dancer
no_tags: #45 - We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Program
Guy Ripley comes in to interview Farm Out Boy. Fall Out Bore. Fall Our Boy. Far Out Boy. Hilarious!! "“My life.” He pauses. He knows the value of a dramatic pause. “Has been lived.” Another pause. Never too much drama. “For this moment. Everything else has been prelude.” He pauses again, catching his breath. Can’t appear too eager. “To this. This moment, when I, Guy Ripley, will fulfill a lifelong dream to interview…Far Out Boy.” He walks up to the door and grabs the knob. “Others have tried to get to the heart of their lyrics, to find the depth and meaning behind ‘Tell mummy I’m watching YouTube from the closet’ and ‘Also evil. Also into cats.”"
bandom  gen  fob  tai  cs  romanticalgirl  crack  humour 
january 2011 by greedy_dancer
WAIT and SEE ... - Podfic!!
My first podfic: The One About the Stupid Superpowers, by Bexless.
myownstuff  podfic  bandom  mcr  bexless  gen  crack  humour  frank/gerard 
january 2011 by greedy_dancer
no_tags: #10 Like a Bunk and Cramped Sleeping
Prompt: Frank/Gerard not realizing how married they are until someone points it out to them. A delicious mix of filthy!realistic, tender, domestic and hilarious.
bandom  mcr  frank/gerard  turps33  pete/mikey  crack  humour  schmoop  not-NC17 
january 2011 by greedy_dancer
kalpurna: What's that coming over the hill? Is it a Love Meme?
All caps comment not!fic: "THERE NEEDS TO BE A STORY WHERE GERARD AND FRANKIE'S EPIC LOVE COMES TO GRINDING HALT WHEN THEY REALIZE THEY'RE BOTH BOTTOMS. DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD: HOW WILL THEY EVER SOLVE THIS CONUNDRUM? DRAW STRAWS? TAKE TURNS? MAYBE THEY CAN JUST INVEST A LOT OF MONEY IN SOME SERIOUS SEX TOYS. AND GO TO SEX CAMP WHERE THEY LEARN TO EMBRACE THEIR INNER TOPS. OMG GABE IS THE COUNSELLORRRRRRRRRRRRR YOU KNOW HE IS"
bexless  shoemaster  frank/gerard  mcr  bandom  crack  humour  not!fic 
december 2010 by greedy_dancer
Sing Until Your Lungs Give Out - Fashionista
Gerard and Adam go out shopping. Gerard finds the jacket that will save the world. "“Oh, fuck me.” Gerard hugs himself, then does it again because it feels so fucking good – he’s just barely restraining himself from rolling around on the floor, he is never taking this jacket off again. “Oh my God. Oh, my God, this is the best day of my life.” “I’m going to tell your daughter you said that, as soon as she’s old enough to understand emotional scarring.” Adam moves towards him and does – something, shifts the jacket around on Gerard’s shoulders and plucks at Gerard’s T-shirt underneath."
gen  mcr  bandom  humour  bexless  crack  AI8 
december 2010 by greedy_dancer
sinsense: Ficlet: Kant's theory of the sublime. (Pete/Frank, R, 1800 words)
HILARIOUS. Pete and Frank are united by their UST with the desperately straight Way brothers. And their love of Spartan Helmets. "Pete sighs. "I need a profound deep dicking. That's what I need." "See, but this is what I was saying!" Frank points at him. "I was saying that the Way brothers are motherfucking cockteases." "It's called heterosexuality," Gerard interrupts. "Frank," Gerard says, "you know I've struggled with my straightness. You know!" "I know," Frank says, shamefaced. Pete and Mikey roll their eyes in unison. "I've fought heteronormativity in so many ways, Frank," Gerard says. He's gotten up, and he's cupping Frank's face now, rubbing his thumbs over Frank's cheekbones. "I just can't-- I wish I could be more queer." "I know," Frank repeats. "Dude. Frank. You've got a boner," Pete points out. "And I wish I could satisfy your boner," Gerard says. "But baby-- Pete turns to Mikey and says, "I forgive you. Your brother is worse." Mikey shrugs, as if to say, duh."
mcr  fob  bandom  sinsense  frank/gerard  humour  crack  frank/pete  pete/mikey  ust 
december 2010 by greedy_dancer
bexless: ficlet
Cleaning up the morning after a party... IN SPACE! "Gerard looked around. Maybe forty or fifty people had been at the party the night before, and the only evidence of them was a bunch of chips and crap on the floor, and like seven cups on the kitchen counter. Frank’s idea of trashed was not the same as Gerard’s – but Frank knew that, because he’d been in Gerard’s shithole of a chamber a bunch of times and he never failed to give Gerard shit about it. “It’s you with the twentieth-century obsession,” Gerard said. “Who drinks out of cups, seriously.” “I need to sleep more first,” Frank mumbled, and then pitched right over so he was on top of Gerard with his head snuggled into Gerard’s chest. “You’re comfy,” he observed, then started snoring. Gerard lay there and stared at the top of Frank’s head. His heart beat helplessly inside his chest. Eventually, he fell asleep too."
bandom  mcr  frank/gerard  bexless  au  humour  space!au 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
hackthis: Inception - The Eames and Arthur Supervisory Hour (Eames/Arthur, PG-13)
Arthur keeps protesting and refusing, yet for some reason he still ends up with diamonds from Eames and a romantic Hawai holiday as a first date. I love the banter in this.
"Eames rolls his eyes. "Everyone knows that when you compliment someone else's appearance it's an unequivocal sex invite." "Eames." "I understand," Eames says sympathetically. "I know I'm impossible to resist." "Only if I'm trying to resist strangling you," Arthur says. Mentioning the tie should have been totally platonic. What was he thinking: nothing is platonic with Eames. "I do not want to fuck you," Arthur retorts again, slightly louder. "You want to tie me up with my tie," Eames says gleefully. "I had no idea you were into rough trade. Arthur, I had no idea you had it in you." "You're going to have it in you in a minute," Arthur snaps. "In front of Cobb? You're an exhibitionist as well? I had no idea today would be so enlightening."'
inception  arthur/eames  fluff  hackthis  first-time  humour  not-NC17 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
onthecount: fic; inception: documentation of an affair
The story of Arthur and Eames, documented through notes, emails, chatlogs etc. AWESOME!
inception  arthur/eames  art  humour  fluff  onthecount 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
I Like To Scrawl On Walls, But This Will Do For Now... - Precocious
It turns out Arthur is 19. Eames freaks out. (Fortunately, when the bad guys come after Eames, Arthur still kicks their asses). Priceless! "Dom holds the door open for Arthur, and they re-enter the room to witness flailing hands and impressive volume.
"-nd what do you mean, why do I care? A man needs to know if he's spent the better part of two years plotting statuatory rape!" Eames shuts his mouth with a snap and blinks owlishly at a speechless Arthur and Dom. "Huh. To clarify, I didn't just say that.""
crayon-scrawls  inception  arthur/eames  first-time  humour 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
inception_kink: Prompt Post No. 2
Pretend!marriage becomes real. Cute! "“Darling, just hear me out. I need a wife.” “I – what.” “I’m working a job that I don’t feeling strictly happy with going into alone, so I need a second.” “Can’t you just pull one of your blondes and get a projection to help?” “No, I mean in the real world.” Arthur hangs up, but he texts Eames “I’m not your wife!” for good measure. "
inception  arthur/eames  fluff  humour  schmoop  first-time  marriage!fic 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
inception_kink: Prompt Post No. 2
Arthur's last name is Eames. "A heated argument leads to Eames pulling out Arthur’s laptop. Booting it up, Arthur protests “This is unprofessional; we’ve never let it interfere with our work before and I’m not about to start--” “So where’s your ring?” Ariadne asks Eames, ignoring the point man. “Someplace very special.” Eames says with an obscene gesture. Yusuf makes a noise that could be either disgust or approval. Cobb’s brooding amplifies and even though he’s spun the totem another five times (it kept falling), he keeps spinning it as Eames clicks on a folder marked “Stein Job” and enters a password [D-A-R-L-I-N-G, Ariadne notes]. Pictures of the two men, Arthur in his usual immaculate suit and Eames in a Hawaiian shirt, orchid leis draped around their necks, standing in front of minister fill the screen. Palm trees decorate the background. "
inception  arthur/eames  crack  humour  marriage!fic  holisticalice 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
inception_kink: Prompt Post No. 5
Eames forges a geek's own mind and can only speak in LOLcat when he wakes up. ""I - what -" Ariadne said weakly, which was just about what everyone could manage to say. "MY ENGLISH IS PASTEDE ON YAY!" Eames announced, finally sounding a little worried. "HALP! INVISIBLE GRAMMARZ!!" "Yusuf, do something," Arthur said, sounding utterly helpless. "Damn it, Arthur, I'm a chemist not a magician," Yusuf replied tersely. "I'll see if I can whip something up, but I make no promises." "I'm going to look over our notes about the mark again," Cobb told everyone. "Ariadne, Arthur, watch him." "CEILING ARTHUR IS WATCHING ME," Eames observed. Arthur put his face in his hands."
inception  crack  arthur/eames  humour 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
inception_kink: Prompt Post No. 5
Prompt: Arthur is inflicted by a "Have sex or Die" poison. Everyone fights to be the one to save him. ""Cobb," says Ariadne, swallowing, "I don't think that's democratic. We need to make sure that whoever gets to sleep with Arthur is really the most deserving member of the crew." "That's really not necessary," says Arthur. "Any old orgasm will do." "I think we should all propose plans for how we intend to have sex with him," says Ariadne. "Then we'll put it to a vote." "Fine," says Cobb. "But I'll propose my plan first. Because I am the most skilled extractor." "What do you have in mind?" asks Yusuf. "It would be a shame to try to describe our dreams," says Cobb, "when we have such ready access to technology that allows us to live them." "To the PASIV, then," says Saito. They arrange their lawn chairs in a circle and hook themselves in. Cobb depresses the trigger and they lie back, the warehouse suddenly silent. "Are you serious," yells Arthur."
inception  arthur/eames  crack  humour  sex!pollen  arthur/cobb  arthur/ariadne  arthur/yusuf  arthur/saito  anonymous  fuck-or-die 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
bexless: New Rule
Early days fic: whoever gets lucky must convince the girl to take the band back to their house. Frank and Gerard get stuck sharing the couch in the basement, and it's dark and hot and there might be spiders, and one thing leads to another. I can't believe I didn't have this bookmarked until now!! "“You’re being weird about us touching,” Frank sing-songs. “Seems pretty homophobic to me.” “Homophobia would be not wanting to hug you, okay, there’s nothing homophobic about not wanting to accidentally fuck you in the ass.” Gerard puts his arm around Frank’s waist to prove his point. His skin is hot and bare. Gerard keeps his ass on the edge of the bed. “Accidentally fucking someone in the ass is impossible,” Frank says knowingly. “That shit takes work. And you can’t even do anything to me from over there. You’re not even within range.” “How do you know?” Gerard prods his side to make him squirm. “Maybe I have a secret giant penis.”"
frank/gerard  mcr  bandom  bexless  pwp  first-time  humour 
september 2010 by greedy_dancer
remedial_mcr: Mikeyway, in photos and words
Mikeyway quotes and pics. "When life gives you lemons, make a lemon-themed analogy!"
bandom  primer  pics  mcr  humour 
august 2010 by greedy_dancer
Reni Days - Multiplicity
OMG HILARIOUS. Brendon is stretched too thin between writing, recording and finding time for his girlfriend, so John Feldman gets him a clone. It starts with one, anyway. ""Don't be mad," says Three in a rush. "Look," says Two, shrugging. "It seemed like a good idea at the time. We were talking about how stressed out you are all the time, and how we could basically finish all of this shit that's piled up on you like this, like, I could record and he could write but we also needed somebody who could take care of the house maybe try to fix things with Sarah--" "Yeah, that's broken past fixing," Brendon puts in blankly. "That's...good," says Two. "Because the plan didn't...exactly...work. Copy of a copy, you know, things get a little...fucked-up..." Four is sort of rocking back and forth on the couch. His fingers are twitching and he looks like he is on actual crack. Also, he's beaming like a total jackass and wearing a pair of Brendon's lime-green briefs on his head."
bandom  patd  brendon/spencer  brendon/brendon  au  powers!fic  reni-days  first-time  post-divorce  crack  humour  doppelcest  brokenlink? 
june 2010 by greedy_dancer
adellyna: Title Roughing It Author adellyna
Panic goes camping. Cute and completely cracky. "The first problem is the tent. “Here,” Spencer says, setting the weird, folded-up tent skeleton thing next to Jon. “Here’s our tent.” “Here’s ours,” Ryan says. He sets his on the ground and flops onto a log. “When you’re done.” Jon blinks a little, from Ryan to Spencer and then Ryan again and then over to Brendon, just in case. “What?” “Tents,” Spencer says slowly. “Usually they, like, stand up. And you can shelter beneath them.” “Yeah, I know.” Jon shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs. His shoulders stay arched up by his ears and his shoe scuffs at the twigs and pebbles on the ground. “I just don’t exactly know how to make them do that.” “Exactly like… it’s been a while but you’ll have it figured out in two shakes?” “Exactly like, um, I’ve never done it.” Spencer kicks at the tent bag. It doesn’t magically set itself up."
jon/spencer  bandom  patd  adellyna  fluff  humour  crack  pre-divorce  not-NC17 
may 2010 by greedy_dancer
Evil and Domestic Vampires 'verse - Disarm_d
Shane and Brendon are evil, evil vampire boyfriends who decide to keep Spencer as a pet. How can a story be so funny and light yet disturbing and hot at the same time?? D/s and dub-con elements . ""Kidnappers?" Ryan repeats. "Umm, rescuers. You're the kidnappers." "Umm, no we're not. Spencer's our pet," Brendon informs them. "Pet?" Jon repeats. He looks at Ryan, and in union they both start laughing so hard that they double over. "This is bullshit," Spencer says. Brendon smiles fondly at him. Spencer goes even pinker and looks at the ground. Ryan manages to stop laughing long enough to ask, "What's it like to be the pet of vampires? Did they put you on a leash and take you for walks?" "It turns out that all of the leashes in the house are Brendon's," Shane says. "So the walking situation didn't work out too well." "It's not too good to mix up symbolic bondage with literal bondage," says Brendon. "Spencer would have to be quite a bit nicer before he could earn a collar, I think.""
disarm_d  brendon/shane  kink  brendon/spencer  spencer/shane  brendon/shane/spencer  d/s  bdsm  toys  vampire!Brendon  vampire!shane  humour  angst  sub!brendon  bandom  magical!creatures 
april 2010 by greedy_dancer
cest_what: I, Robot (Machines Just Wanna Have Fun) (Ryan/Brendon)
""Oh my god," Spencer said, "Ryan is not actually a robot, Brendon." "He really is," Brendon said, and he could feel how wide his eyes were. "He – Spence, fuck, he's a fucking – this is too freaky." Ryan was sitting on the arm of the couch, where he'd been since he came out of his bunk. He was jerkily following their conversation, his head stuttering towards each of them whenever they spoke. "Is," Ryan said, and then he seemed to get stuck. "Is – is – is – is – is – is –" He dropped his head, twitched, and looked back up. His hat had fallen down over one eye. "Is something wrong?" he asked, his quiet voice expressionless. Brendon giggled, breathless. "He's a broken robot," he said. "Oh, wow, this is messed up.""
brendon/ryan  patd  crack  humour  robot!ryan  bandom  not-NC17 
february 2010 by greedy_dancer
When life hands you lemons, slash them with limes - Everybody's Free (To Be Fannish)
Advice to fangirls. "Accept certain inalienable truths: People are bad about leaving feedback. There will be wank over hiatus. You, too, will become a Bitter Old Fandom Queen. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, fangirls left glorious feedback, hiatus was for porn and fanbrats respected their resident BOFQs."
meta  fandom  slash  rant  humour 
january 2010 by greedy_dancer
The anonymous bandom ficlet exchange - Pixelated Romance - Frank/Gerard PG-13
Frank with a moustache! He goes to a costume party as Mario, and Gerard turns up as Peach in a flammable dress. Priceless! ""You see," says Frank, "this is why we shouldn't meet at parties without discussing our costumes first." "I'm Princess Peach!" Gerard says, like duh. Then he actually says, "Duh," and tosses his head. "I stopped by a thrift store on my way here. Before I found this stuff I was just gonna draw on a goatee and be my evil twin." Frank rolls his eyes. "You're stealing my thunder," he complains. "Now my whole, like thing is off. I was supposed to be saying fuck you and now I'm saying like...here I am with Gerard.""
frank/gerard  mcr  anonymous  humour  crack  bandom  not-NC17 
january 2010 by greedy_dancer
battie_hattie: PatD Fic:
Brendon sucks at picking sexual partners, so after a particularly scarring incident, Jon decides he needs to take over the selection of Brendon's partners. And possibly cut out the middleman altogether ... Potentially scarring images, but hilarious! "“Come on, Jon. You’re like, my sage. You’re supposed to tell me something to make it better, but you’re kind of failing at this moment.” Jon yawns and looks down at Brendon. “I don’t really know what you expect me to say, I mean, you can’t just drop something like that on me at,” he pauses to look at the clock, “after three in the morning and expect me to handle it.” “At least you weren’t there.” “You know what? Tomorrow, we’re having a band meeting, and I think that we’re going to have a new rule, in which anyone you want to, you know, do anything with, has to be pre-approved before you leave.” “That’s probably for the best.” Brendon yawns into Jon’s chest.”"
patd  jon/brendon  kink  battie-hattie  brendon/omc  humour  bandom 
december 2009 by greedy_dancer
battie_hattie: PatD Fic: Chasing the Monsoons, Ryan/Brendon
Brendon is scared of the monsoons. Fortunately, Ryan always seems to show up right before the rain with cuddles and weed, and it's starting to be hard for Brendon not to blurt out his feelings. Cute story! "Ryan’s note says that he looked like too much of a beautiful doll while sleeping to wake, and that he’ll see him later. Brendon doesn’t know if Ryan is being poetic, or if he wants to fuck, which means that even after all the time they’ve known each other, Ryan is still a fucking mystery. Brendon jerks off in the shower. Twice. The water is cold by the time is done. And he’s chaffed. He resolves that it’s the last time he’s going to smoke up with Ryan alone."
brendon/ryan  patd  fluff  humour  battie-hattie  first-time  bandom 
december 2009 by greedy_dancer
anon_lovefest: Brendon and Spencer's secret sex tape.
Anonymous ficlet for the prompt "Brendon and Spencer's secret sex tape." The tape was nondescript plain black, no label (other than a red star sticker on the very bottom left corner, he’d already considered and dismissed the original Jurassic Park, Gremlins, Goonies (though he hesitated longer there, he had a soft spot for Corey Feldman, Pete was sure in some alternate dimension he and Mouth were soul mates) but ultimately tossed that back as well. Nothing sounded good and Pete was feeling just finicky enough to pop in the mystery tape, maybe it would be embarrassing home movies that Pete could mock them mercilessly over."
brendon/spencer  patd  fob  brendon/spencer/pete  threesome  voyeurism  humour  anonymous  sextape  bandom 
november 2009 by greedy_dancer
airgiodslv: Oh Baby Yeah
Spencer finds out Brendon did voice-over for animated gay porn. A great feel-good little story :) "The animated guy doesn’t look anything like Brendon, not even a little bit. He’s got inhuman muscle mass and a tiny waist and his ass is nowhere near as… Spencer cuts that thought off right there, and then makes the mistake of closing his eyes, just to get a clearer impression of the voice, to convince himself it’s not who he thinks it is. There’s no way. It can’t be. “Fuck, yeah, fuck me,” Brendon gasps, and then Spencer’s phone buzzes and Spencer nearly drops his laptop off the side of the bed when he freaks out. The text is from Jon, and it reads OH MY GOD, which means that at least if Spencer’s imagining things, he’s not the only one."
brendon/spencer  post-divorce  domestic!fic  airgiodslv  humour  first-time  porn!au  bandom  patd 
november 2009 by greedy_dancer
Jae - I Will Destroy Ryan Ross and All That He Loves: A Cautionary Tale
William Beckett declares war on Ryan Ross for stealing his groupies. Hilarious!!
""It will end up with Ryan Ross crying like a little girl," William said. "This I promise you. However, in the meantime, I'm going to have to swear the two of you to secrecy in this matter." Mike put two fingers up to the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Okay," he said. "Fine, okay. Plague away in secret." Remember this day, boys," William said as he stood up. "File it away in your memory, because in the future you will look back on this day with awe and admiration and say, 'We were there on that day, that glorious day, that day when everything changed. That day when lives changed.'" "My life?" Butcher said. "Well, no," William said. "Probably not yours so much." "Cool," he said. "Carry on.""
tai  patd  humour  fob  crack  william/pete  william/brendon  william/siska  jae_w  ensemblefic  bandslash  bandom 
november 2009 by greedy_dancer
lovelypoet: And Away We Go....
"The video for "A Little Less 16 Candles..." is enough to make Xander want to poke out his remaining eye. Like he didn't get enough of angsty pretty-boy vampires fighting for the good side with Angel and Spike. "Great," he says when he walks into the living room. Five of the girls and Andrew are staring slackjawed at the telelvision. "Aren't you guys supposed to be researching or training... or something?" "Sssshhhhh" comes his answer from everyone in the room. "This is research," Andrew says, never looking away from the screen. "He's got moves." "Uh-huh. He's also got a choreographer, flattering camera angles, possibly a stunt double... and he's fighting dancers" Xander says. "We're going to have that talk about fantasy versus reality again, aren't we?""
crossover  fob  gen  lovelypoet  humour  crack  au  btvs  bandom  tv-based!au 
november 2009 by greedy_dancer
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