cmananian + funny   177

Somebody who thinks that feathers on dinosaurs would suddenly make them not-scary has never been chased by a goose. : Showerthoughts
I had a friend in high school who lived on a small farm, they had all kinds of animals and a huge Rottweiler.

When you'd visit the friend would run up to your car and be like "hey be careful walking up to the house, George is loose so I'll walk with you".

The first time I thought George was the dog, seemed reasonable. It was a goddamn goose that would bite you on the ass when you turned your back to it. That thing was mean as fuck, it would flap its wings at you and honk like some kind of avian demon.
2 days ago by cmananian
Jeff Goldblum, 1989 : OldSchoolCool
He looks like the kinda guy that convinces young sorority girls to do porn.
funny  celebrities  badass 
6 days ago by cmananian
MILITW... at my apartment?? : JUSTNOMIL
reaches into her purse and pulls out one of those bridal planning books that's covered in handwriting that looks way too cute to belong to someone who looks like she was old enough to get railed behind a gas station during the cuban missile crisis.
writing  funny 
10 days ago by cmananian
Letters of Note: Regarding your stupid complaint
Attached is a letter that we received on November 19, 1974. I feel that you should be aware that some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters.
funny  legal 
13 days ago by cmananian
white guy talks with Indians in Hindi : videos
I used to work in rural Syria as an archaeologist, where in the summer you basically live in the village for 3 months, excavating for about 12 hours a day. When you work there you don't just learn to speak Arabic, it really becomes a natural language to you because it's absolutely essential to communicate with your workmen and it's all you end up speaking.

When I went back to Damascus after my first season of excavations it was amazing to see the reactions. 99% of Westerners that do speak Arabic, don't speak a colloquial form, and if they do it's definitely not Northern Mesopotamian. I'd go out to the market to buy some gifts for my mother and pretend to be an ignorant tourist and when they'd charge me 4x the price I'd yell out "WHAT IS THIS TRASH" and I never once got a negative reaction, every single time they'd just stare at me in disbelief. Then I'd end up having tea and cake or cookies with them for hours chatting about how much I love Syria and its people.
languages  arabic  funny 
13 days ago by cmananian
LAOP’s ex finds out blackmailing someone with child porn is a piss poor idea : bestoflegaladvice
"Well, in the initial demand email he sent me, he stated that since I took most of the pictures, I was the one that would be in trouble if they were made public, not him for possessing them. Which according to the detective I spoke to, was not the case. That probably should have been my tip-off that it was my ex behind the blackmail. But it’s probably a little bit of both to be honest because my ex is very egotistical. He has this mindset in general that no one will call him out on his shit."

narcissism  badass  funny 
15 days ago by cmananian
Americans who visited Europe, what was your biggest WTF moment? : AskReddit
Was this near the Red Light district? A good sport is to watch drunk/high Brits fall into the canals.

Holy shit, man, Italian people are SO ITALIAN. Everyone smokes, everyone takes 4-5 breaks a day to drink espresso, everyone's name is straight out of what I had assumed was "Italian stereotypes handbook"... it was amazing.
funny  europe 
19 days ago by cmananian
[Update] My [M/19] friend/roommate [M/19] kissed me when we were drunk. Our relationship has been extremely awkward ever since. : relationships
I told him I liked it a lot, and he agreed. We stared at each other awkwardly until he asked if we were gay.
19 days ago by cmananian
Giada, my job at an "adult" store, and judgment day : JUSTNOMIL
She flipped the hell out, made a noise like someone sat on a parrot, and started yelling.
writing  storytelling  funny 
20 days ago by cmananian
I had to pretend she was my daughter : LetsNotMeet
21 days ago by cmananian
I got my sexual aggressor fired from work today. I'm quite satisfied. : TwoXChromosomes
I walked by him and turned my butt right next to his hand and just full on farted. Loud and angry. It's gross, I know. But if he's going to make me feel gross and "claim my ass" I'm going to make him feel gross and "claim his hand."

He proceeded to freak out and then I freaked out. No more will he look at my ass as sexual, but a fart box that has forever claimed his tiny hand.
badass  funny  sexism 
4 weeks ago by cmananian
What’s the worst case of bad parenting you’ve ever witnessed? : AskReddit
Parenting seems like being a guard for a person on perpetual suicide watch. You have to worry constantly about that little fucker dying on you.

The older you get the more you realize no one is forcing you to learn anything after school. It's just 50+ years of allowing stupid to fester. I'm 30 now and just so aware that there is no automatic wisdom that comes with age. If anything it's the opposite. People forget what they learned, shove themselves into social echo chambers and ignorantly believe they are all geniuses.
funny  parenting  sad  psychology 
4 weeks ago by cmananian
rosiedokidoki comments on Pilots, what is your least favorite airport?
Helicopter pilot here. Sharm el Sheik in Egypt is the worst airport in the world. Inshallah is not an appropriate landing clearance.
6 weeks ago by cmananian
Was I (22f) wrong to "entertain" other guys when the guy I was seeing for 5 months (25m) refused to commit? : relationships
I’ve found men that don’t want to commit are really insecure and scared. They have issues that they need to solve. I’ve had soooo many past flings who have either ghosted me or broke it off because they didn’t want to commit message me back like a year later being all ‘im ready to commit’. Um sorry but you’re old news and I already forgot about you!
Relationships  funny 
6 weeks ago by cmananian
You better not touch my squirrel : funny
The second they see that you won't hurt them, they are pretty quick to realize that you are one of the idiots that will feed them for no reason.
funny  animals 
9 weeks ago by cmananian
MTV Animation Director and Simpsons Storyboard Artist -
"After graduation, Ableson attended the University of Southern California on scholarship. Unfortunately he didn't make it in to USC's film school. But even though he didn't get in to his major, he decided to take his general education requirements with plans to reapply to film school the next semester. But his plan didn't work. All in all, Ableson was denied admission four times in a row, making him the Rudy Ruettiger of film students."

Didn't even have money to buy a portfolio case, so he shoplifted one. OMG.
art  storyboarding  education  funny 
10 weeks ago by cmananian
One person’s history of Twitter, from beginning to end
Twitter made me a better writer.
My first editor is probably reading that line and nodding and thinking “Fuck you. I made you a better writer, asshole.” And that’s true. But I met her on Twitter.
funny  writing  mikemonteiro 
11 weeks ago by cmananian
JNMILitW - She Fell On The Baby (TW: violence, injury to a young child) : JUSTNOMIL
The dog in question is a year-old water buffalo/refrigerator hybrid with a head like a cinderblock, the muscle mass of an entire football team, and the personality of a marshmallow.
funny  writing  storytelling  reddit 
november 2017 by cmananian
Cards Against Humanity Saves America
"We’d like to cancel the 2016 election, but neither of us is going to get what we want."
copywriting  america  funny 
november 2017 by cmananian
Non-Americans of Reddit, what common American culture reference would you like to have explained? : AskReddit
"What's prom about?" "Used to be a right of passage mixed with a dance, but now has turned into an overly glorified get together designed to drain a parent's wallet."
funny  reddit  culture 
november 2017 by cmananian
I poured my blood, sweat and life savings into my restaurant. Dumbest thing I've ever done
Funny and sad at the same time. Admirable honesty here, plus incredible arrogance and total lack of planning.
restaurants  horror  funny 
november 2017 by cmananian
Saudi man shares a photo of him teaching his wife how to drive. : pics
"I knew the reaction would be positive but I'm really surprised of the extent of it. I'd guesstimate less than 10% have any opposition to it."

The photo of this couple learning to drive is SO CUTE.

"I used to bump into this Saudi guy at a series of conferences over the course of a few years. He was a very pious Muslim, but every night he would go to the bar and order one glass of really good wine and he just loved it. I asked about it. "Sin is my enemy. But you must know your enemy to defeat it!"
reddit  history  feminism  funny 
october 2017 by cmananian
“I guess when Dad said that he’d like to f**k everyone in the audience the nice, Midwest policemen didn’t see the humor in that”: George Carlin’s daughter remembers the advent of “7 dirty words” -
George Carlin's daughter recalls growing up with her dad.

"Then suddenly, the promoter comes up to my mom and says, “The cops are here, they’re complaining about the language, and they’re going to arrest George the minute he walks offstage.” I guess when my dad said that he would like to fuck everyone in the audience the nice, Midwest policemen just didn’t see the humor in that."
history  funny 
october 2017 by cmananian
Baby dolphins fascinated by squirrels : gifs
"I wonder what those little things taste like?"

"Fish, probably. All I ever taste is fish."

"All they ever feed us is fish."

"One of the land-dolphins passed me something tube-shaped in a mushy substance. It was alright."

"I think my caretaker land-dolphin called it a "hot dog." You shouldn't eat those, Larry."

"I'm fine. What do you mean your caretaker called it a "hot dog?" Land-dolphins have a weird sub-sonic language we haven't come close to translating, Deb."

"They're clearly intelligent, Larry. They feed fish when we perform the right body-language motions. Like the hoop-jump."

"...Guys, are WE the pets?"

"Don't even get started on that crap again, Will."

"Yeah seriously, enough existential angst."

"I bet those little fur things taste like hot dogs."
funny  reddit  animals 
september 2017 by cmananian
Guy woke up in the middle of the night on a stranger's bed : videos
"I pay taxes on this bed." Dude argues with drunk stranger who wandered into his house. Hilarious.
funny  reddit  videos 
september 2017 by cmananian
[Software Developer] Some People React Badly When They First Discover Devs Won't Work For Free : recruitinghell
"Equity is a scam. You can work years for equity so they can lay you off and force you to buy stock in the company which is much less likely to pay out than you just taking your money to a casino. Cold hard cash every time baby."

"Ideas are worthless. Making something tangible and useful out of them is valuable. And then it's not even that valuable because you still have to do marketing and massage your client base and refine the product an be countless other things to barely make any money. And even then things are only as valuable as you can convince the world that it is. So you could have the best software/widget/t-shirt ever and it wouldn't matter if you couldn't convince enough people of enough value."

NOTE: this entire sub is hilarious. Go here whenever I need ideas for cliches and industry bullshit.
pricing  funny  reddit  bullshit  marketing  productdevelopment  Business  startups  psychology  career 
september 2017 by cmananian
Badass of the Week: Sergeant Stubby the War Dog
For his actions, Stubby the Ass-Biting Maniac Dog was given a battlefield promotion to the rank of Sergeant, which, awesomely enough, meant that the dog now outranked his owner, who was only a Corporal by this point.
history  funny  interesting  animals 
september 2017 by cmananian
So, about the Will : JUSTNOMIL
"I've divorced better women for less." Best burn EVER.
funny  reddit 
september 2017 by cmananian
What is the pettiest reason you have had for ending a relationship? : AskReddit
"Was dating a girl for a few months, and when I told her that I had been watching a bunch of Muhammad Ali videos lately, she responded with "That guy who did 9/11?"
It was all downhill from there."
wtf  funny  reddit 
july 2017 by cmananian
TIFU by petting a cute little cygnet (baby swan). [NSFW] : tifu
"One, especially friendly cygnet came near me out of curiosity and I picked it up from the ground in a gentle manner. It was chubby, cute, and warm. As I was looking over the pond while sunbeams touched my face through the red edge of the clouds - the swan mother arrived from the pond with two fully spread wings. I thought she was coming to congratulate me for being the new David Attenborough / disney princess of the village."
funny  reddit  wtf  bestof 
july 2017 by cmananian
madenthusiasms: liminalpolytheist: ... at Esoterica
Oh yeah and one time my Latin professor was at this conference in Greece and his flight was canceled, so he needed to extend his hotel stay by one more night.

Except he doesn’t speak a lick of modern Greek, and the receptionist couldn’t speak English. Or French. Or German. Or Italian. (He tried all of them.)

Finally, in a fit of inspiration, he went upstairs and got his copy of Medea in the original Greek (you know, the stuff separated from modern Greek by two and a half thousand years). He found the passage where Medea begs Jason to let her stay for one more day, went downstairs, and read it to the receptionist.

She laughed her head off, but she gave him the extra night.
funny  history  tumblr 
june 2017 by cmananian
LOL at this avocado toast advice from a millionaire - I Will Teach You To Be Rich
funny  stupid  iwt  money 
may 2017 by cmananian
What's the dumbest thing an ex ever said to try and win you back? : AskReddit
My abusive ex-husband sent me a long, impersonal email three years after I left him. My favorite part was: "We should get back together. I don't want to be with you, but by some miracle of God, I might grow to tolerate or even enjoy your company."

Holy shit. Next level delusion.
reddit  funny 
april 2017 by cmananian
To the dudes who have experienced such a thing, what does a prostate orgasm feel like, exactly? : AskReddit
"Like a a unicorn exploding in your urethra." "I have made a vow to have something in my ass by midnight." The comments, I'm crying.
funny  reddit  sex 
april 2017 by cmananian
Look, we know you're going to throw it. : funny
"Our lawyers want us to remind you this is a letter opener."
funny  reddit 
february 2017 by cmananian
Hotel hermit got $17M to make way for 15 Central Park West | New York Post
In 2004, developers Will and Arthur Zeckendorf bought the famed Mayflower Hotel and several adjacent lots on the Upper West Side for just over $400 million, with the goal of creating the city’s most exclusive residential building — 15 Central Park West. Only one thing stood in their way: A 73-year-old recluse named Herb Sukenik, who refused to move from the hotel. In this excerpt from his new book, “House of Outrageous Fortune” (Altria Books), author Michael Gross reveals the most expensive eviction in New York City history.
newyork  newyorkpost  funny  history 
january 2017 by cmananian
Overspending... : funny
The BS of home renovation TV shows. The snark in the comments is hilarious.
reddit  funny 
january 2017 by cmananian
Ryan Reynolds on deadpool's costume : funny
"I'm really starting to wonder if his personality is really closer to that of Deadpool himself and what we've actually been seeing all along was just him acting normal."
reddit  funny 
august 2016 by cmananian
Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People
Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.
funny  theonion 
august 2016 by cmananian
Amazingly hilarious Craigslist ad
If you are a serious musician that values your craft and earns a living from performance, you are not who I am looking for. If however you and your unemployable band of pothead hobbyists are enticed by the prospect of a free open bar stocked with the finest of suburban banquet hall well-liquor and an opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon, please contact me.
funny  copywriting 
august 2016 by cmananian
My [26M] with my girlfriend [25F] and her weird Nazi fetish. She wants me to dress up like an SS officer during sex. : relationships
A few weeks back something like this was posted where a guy had his girlfriend berate him and his thesis paper to get off, because the stress of it in real life was driving him insane. He'd call her up and text er lines of thigs he wanted her to say to him "Tell me that my method of confirmation is flawed and my thesis statements are faulty in their explanations!"
reddit  funny  sex 
april 2016 by cmananian
My ex-fiancee is threatening to sue me for ownership of a ring that has been in my family for generations, saying that it "automatically goes to the man". Is this true? Alabama. : legaladvice
He's still insisting that he didn't cheat on me, his was merely "opening [his] side of the relationship". The day before I left him he told me he wanted an open relationship, and I totally respect polyamory, but since I'm not polyamorous, I don't want an open relationship. He said that that was great news because he didn't want a "fully open" relationship, he wanted me to stay faithful to him but look the other way if he slept with someone else.
reddit  funny  stupid  relationships 
april 2016 by cmananian
Starscream sabotages my FHs job applications. : JUSTNOMIL
Mother in law from hell sabotages son's job prospects, submits wildly embellished resumes claiming he worked at NASA. OMG.
reddit  funny 
april 2016 by cmananian
Land surveyor sets himself up, and then delivers verbal justice. : pettyrevenge
She slams on brakes and hops out of car, pointing and screaming as she approaches him. 'Who do you work for asshole I'm calling your supervisor you are done, blah blah blah' He walks to truck reluctantly and submissively hands the lady a business card. She gets in car, and drives off pulling over to shoulder about 75ft down the road. He pulls his ringing phone from pocket calmly and instead of saying 'hello', says 'I thought I told you to go fuck yourself'
reddit  funny 
march 2016 by cmananian
Run-over Another Snowman, Jackass—I can build these all day. : pettyrevenge
Then, on the evening of the 4th day, I heard it. My family was eating dinner and I heard the low grumble of fate's motors kicking from gear to gear. Would they find themselves abruptly halted in about 10 seconds? It all depends on you, Scotty boy...
reddit  funny 
march 2016 by cmananian
What kinds of (useless) advice did your parents give you on dating and girls? : AskMen
"My dad has told me on numerous occasions to make friends with girls who have boyfriends so that when they break up I will have a chance with her." "Just be yourself." What the hell.
reddit  dating  men  relationships  gender  wtf  funny 
january 2016 by cmananian
What We Do in the Shadows (2014) - IMDb
From the guys who made Flight of the Conchords.
movies  funny 
january 2016 by cmananian
David Bowie Bassist Gail Ann Dorsey: 'He Altered My Life' | Rolling Stone
He was like this incredible mentor. I feel so privileged to have had this opportunity to learn about music and being professional and stretching and doing things that I didn't think I could do, like "Under Pressure." I said to him, "There's no way I'm going to be able to sing and play that — are you kidding?" He was like, "I'll give you two weeks." And then he walked out of the room, so I had to figure it out.
davidbowie  mastery  advice  funny  rollingstone 
january 2016 by cmananian
Colorado offered free birth control -- and teen abortions fell by 42%. : TwoXChromosomes
[from an evangelical pastor] "I also support universal single-payer health care. That comes from my feeling that it's what Jesus would have wanted, being such a prolific thaumaturgical healer himself."
reddit  sex  funny  religion 
january 2016 by cmananian
Penny Arcade - Comic - Delicioso
Resquiat in pesci, in pesto, e in quattro formaggi.
january 2016 by cmananian
patrick_fantatrick comments on What is your Tinder horror story?
I had devised a plan where I immediately ask to use her bathroom, and text my roommate something along the lines of "SOS. NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. YOU NEED TO CALL ME IN LIKE 10 MINUTES"
reddit  funny 
december 2015 by cmananian
therealJayT comments on What is your Tinder horror story?
Guy accidentally dates two girls with the same dad/step-dad who hates his guts. "You're destined to have this man for a father-in law."
reddit  funny 
december 2015 by cmananian
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