cmananian + funny   208

Ethan Hawke Dropped Out Of College For "Dead Poets Society" - YouTube
"Being an out of work actor is a great lifestyle if you don't have a family. Let's go to Mexico!"

Also, Hawke shares awesome stories about mastery.
interviews  ethanhawke  mastery  film  theater  funny 
5 days ago by cmananian
I guess I work here now. : IDontWorkHereLady
The phrasing of this story is violently British.

Well, I'm violent and British.
funny 
17 days ago by cmananian
The county near me has a drug sniffing goat. His name is S’mores. : mildlyinteresting
Imagine being high and you see a goat in a sheriff's vest.

That’s how they catch people. The goat doesn’t actually smell anything.
funny 
17 days ago by cmananian
[Spoiler] The single word that has the most weight in The Last Jedi... : StarWars
Hux: We have twelve new resistance prisoners, what should we do with them?

Kylo: Take them to the advanced interrogation room.

Rey: Woah woah, is that a torture chamber? That is not okay!

Kylo sighs, long pause

Hux: Usually we only have to kill two or three.

Rey: And what's with all this red and black going on here? This ship is depressing.

Kylo: I'm willing to be flexible regarding our interrogation methods, but the decor is final.
funny  film  movies 
18 days ago by cmananian
noestofus comments on Why would my boyfriend (38M) of a year and a half rage and curse so suddenly at me (37F) was I in the wrong?
I feel like I post this so frequently, but why are you going out with this gross cringy loser who acts like an unemployed yet overly optimistic 20 year old Soundcloud rapper at 38?
funny  insults 
18 days ago by cmananian
bladegmn comments on The Geisha Soldiers from Mulan
Great movie. Girls dressed up as boys and boys dressed up as girls. All to stop a group of guys called Huns. If that isn’t a drag race, I don’t know what is.
gender  funny  film  movies  disney 
20 days ago by cmananian
TheGlen comments on What are the worse Hollywood abuses of historical facts that you can name?
Battle of the Bulge. So historically inaccurate President Eisenhower actually called the studio to yell at how bad it was.

He didn't just call them, he held a press conference.

Imagine fucking up so bad your president brings his entire day to a halt just to chew your ass out in front of the world.
history  funny  war  military 
6 weeks ago by cmananian
How fucked is my husband? He got these charges at work last night : legaladvice
"-Concealed weapon without a permit
-Felony stalking
-Loaded weapon on person
-DUI

Jeezus Christ he was working? What is he a mob enforcer?"
funny  legal 
11 weeks ago by cmananian
What's something your employer did that instantly killed employee morale? : AskReddit
"No raises or bonuses this year due to company performance, but I will make it up to you by taking the whole company to the lake for a trip on my new 30ft boat"

PERSON 1: "Started firing people by lining two up at a time and seeing which one they prefer to keep on."
PERSON 2: "Thanos the Day Manager."
funny  wtf  bullshit  career 
11 weeks ago by cmananian
Trump staffers are complaining they can't date in DC - Business Insider
One match on an online dating app told an administration official, "Thanks but no thanks. Just Googled you and it said you were a mouthpiece for the Trump administration. Go f--- yourself."
funny  politics 
june 2018 by cmananian
I stashed a tampon in my bra. Later, things went horribly wrong, then horribly right. : TwoXChromosomes
"TheNewJasonBourne tragically met the reaper yesterday at the age of 106 while attempting to execute a high-octane action sequence on a jet-propelled dirt bike for the entertainment of random spectators at Yellowstone Park. Cries of delight and wonder faded to horror as TheNewJasonBourne, world renowned for his/her righteous stunts and a sanctuary of tiger-dragon hybrids, intentionally jettisoned off of a 150-foot ramp and promptly burst into less intentional flames. Fortunately, a flame-proof, armored suit preserved the stunt-maestro’s body, but nonetheless (s)he was found, smiling, at the base of the cliff, having succumbed to what medical experts are calling a painless endorphin overdose. TheNewJasonBourne will forever be fondly remembered for such feats of daring-do, and for being not quite Matt Damon."

***

I would like this person to pen my obituary, thanks.
funny  writing 
june 2018 by cmananian
Men of AskMen: does anyone [incorrectly] think you're gay because you have no luck with women +other reasons? : AskMen
"I'm an attractive guy who just so happens to have no relationship/flirting skills. I literally cannot tell if someone likes me, and I have no way of telling someone that I like them. Women have tried to hook up with me, but I've always managed to screw it up one way or another.

For some weird reason, I'm also really really ashamed of being attracted to women. I really don't like to admit that I am. It's some sort of sexual shame that I have. I realize that it's completely irrational, but I can't avoid feeling like it.

Because of these reasons, I've never expressed attraction to a woman to my family, never brought a girl home, never gone to a school dance with a girl. My parents either think I'm deeply closeted, or asexual. I'm neither."

***

"I hope you know that I'll love you completely even if you're not straight."

"Mom, I'm not gay! I just have zero game!"

***

Fascinating comments. So many people having the same experience.
relationships  dating  gender  men  women  parenting  sex  funny 
june 2018 by cmananian
‘Avengers’ Sebastian Stan Suits Up—and Is Happy to Take a Backseat | GQ
As a working actor, Stan has, well—not struggled, but certainly contemplated the possibility of struggle. “I've had that phone call from my accountant that said, ‘I was about to call you to tell you that you're bankrupt. And then you just got a residual check in the mail for this movie Hot Tub Time Machine.'"
gq  movies  funny  sebastianstan 
may 2018 by cmananian
Received a message from a London-based legal office asking me to remove a post from a subreddit I moderate. : legaladvice
"I believe there was a document signed in 1776 that prevents me from having to deal with assholes such as yourself"
legal  funny 
may 2018 by cmananian
People of Reddit who speak a language they don’t look like they would speak, have you ever had someone talk bad about you in your second language? What happened after? : AskReddit
Swearing in dutch is a bit special too since compared to most languages it's incredibly harsh. It's basically wishing diseases like Cancer and Typhus to one another.
funny  languages  dutch 
april 2018 by cmananian
Welcome To The Hotel CalaforNOPE : LetsNotMeet
Apparently there were people coming and going all night. He woke up to see a guy, nose against the window, just staring in at him. Driver hit the window and the dude scampered off into the jungle like fucking Mowgli.
wtf  funny  writing  creepy  horror 
april 2018 by cmananian
What's the worst sexual experience you've ever had? : AskReddit
I was sucking cock in a handicapped toilet in a mall when the door opened.
funny  sex 
march 2018 by cmananian
What was your worst consensual sexual experience? : AskReddit
As for the sex itself I had to show him how to put on a condom. He tried to use hand lotion as lube which I politely explained to him was not a good idea. The sex was terrible, just awkward thrusting that I quickly just wanted to be over. When he finished he said "Very nice!" in a Borat voice and high-fived me.
funny  sad  wtf  sex 
march 2018 by cmananian
What's something embarrassing you're willing to admit? : AskReddit
I was watching a movie with my parents when I was 7 and heard the characters talk about porn. I asked my parents what it meant and they didn't tell me so I looked it up on our family computer. This was around Christmas time and I got so scared I wouldn't get anything for Christmas because I looked it up, so I wrote a letter to Santa apologizing. He wrote me back and said it was ok. The next year I realized Santa was my parents. It still keeps me up at night.
funny 
march 2018 by cmananian
Ryan Caldbeck on Twitter: "1/ In honor of all the CEOs who have told me they are "crushing it," and that they “can’t keep up with the growth” - I’d like to put forward just some of the many many mistakes I’ve made as CEO. Some were bad for @Circ
CEO pulls back the curtain and talks about the rough mistakes he's made.

#27: phone calls from cold calling recruiters who claimed they had “a Rock Star engineer at Google that wanted to work for CircleUp.” “Rock Star engineers from Google” neither work with recruiters that cold call companies nor people that say “Rock Star engineers”.

LOL
entrepreneurship  management  funny 
march 2018 by cmananian
If you're going to try your hand at extortion, be smarter than the ex-cops you're trying it on. : ProRevenge
(Sounds of a scuffle followed by swearing and the honking of horn as my father bounces the guy’s head, three times, off the steering-wheel.)
funny 
march 2018 by cmananian
My [22f] fiancé [30m] is lying to me about who he's texting : relationships
Just for the pleasure of being vindictive I would wait until I knew they were together then send a "we need to talk, I'm pregnant" text. Really send him through a loop, then the minute he walks through the door, greet him with "Now we've both lied today. How's that feel? Who's ____?"
funny 
march 2018 by cmananian
LAOP: I'm just going to deny having cryptocurrency during divorce proceedings, what could go wrong? : bestoflegaladvice
Seriously, though, it's bitcoin. Just give her half. It'll keep going up and you'll end up on the moon anyway, right? Or it'll crash and you'll get to laugh at your ex for wanting something worthless, much like she once wanted you.
badass  funny  insults 
march 2018 by cmananian
Imagine how terrified the first person who ever saw a whale was. : Showerthoughts
Arthurian legend describes a "questing beast" with the hooves of a horse, body of a lion, and neck of a snake or something like that

I suspect they were doing a lot of recreational drugs at the Round Table

I'm sorry but now all I can picture is King Arthur 420 B.C. blazing it, talking about crusades and the nearest Taco Bell
funny 
march 2018 by cmananian
An update to the $75k number after which more money doesn't buy happiness : personalfinance
Kids stuff takes up a ton of space. Seriously, as a parent, if you buy my kid a fisher price basketball net, know that, deep in my core, I hate everything about you.
funny  parenting 
march 2018 by cmananian
Donald Trump falsely says he never denied Russian meddling : worldnews
Trump: All you gadda do is just tell the press what I tell you, easy job, great job, you'll love it

Sean Spicer: *has nervous breakdown*
funny  sad  politics 
february 2018 by cmananian
Somebody who thinks that feathers on dinosaurs would suddenly make them not-scary has never been chased by a goose. : Showerthoughts
I had a friend in high school who lived on a small farm, they had all kinds of animals and a huge Rottweiler.

When you'd visit the friend would run up to your car and be like "hey be careful walking up to the house, George is loose so I'll walk with you".

The first time I thought George was the dog, seemed reasonable. It was a goddamn goose that would bite you on the ass when you turned your back to it. That thing was mean as fuck, it would flap its wings at you and honk like some kind of avian demon.
funny 
february 2018 by cmananian
Jeff Goldblum, 1989 : OldSchoolCool
He looks like the kinda guy that convinces young sorority girls to do porn.
funny  celebrities  badass 
february 2018 by cmananian
MILITW... at my apartment?? : JUSTNOMIL
reaches into her purse and pulls out one of those bridal planning books that's covered in handwriting that looks way too cute to belong to someone who looks like she was old enough to get railed behind a gas station during the cuban missile crisis.
writing  funny 
february 2018 by cmananian
Letters of Note: Regarding your stupid complaint
Attached is a letter that we received on November 19, 1974. I feel that you should be aware that some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters.
funny  legal 
february 2018 by cmananian
white guy talks with Indians in Hindi : videos
I used to work in rural Syria as an archaeologist, where in the summer you basically live in the village for 3 months, excavating for about 12 hours a day. When you work there you don't just learn to speak Arabic, it really becomes a natural language to you because it's absolutely essential to communicate with your workmen and it's all you end up speaking.

When I went back to Damascus after my first season of excavations it was amazing to see the reactions. 99% of Westerners that do speak Arabic, don't speak a colloquial form, and if they do it's definitely not Northern Mesopotamian. I'd go out to the market to buy some gifts for my mother and pretend to be an ignorant tourist and when they'd charge me 4x the price I'd yell out "WHAT IS THIS TRASH" and I never once got a negative reaction, every single time they'd just stare at me in disbelief. Then I'd end up having tea and cake or cookies with them for hours chatting about how much I love Syria and its people.
languages  arabic  funny 
february 2018 by cmananian
LAOP’s ex finds out blackmailing someone with child porn is a piss poor idea : bestoflegaladvice
"Well, in the initial demand email he sent me, he stated that since I took most of the pictures, I was the one that would be in trouble if they were made public, not him for possessing them. Which according to the detective I spoke to, was not the case. That probably should have been my tip-off that it was my ex behind the blackmail. But it’s probably a little bit of both to be honest because my ex is very egotistical. He has this mindset in general that no one will call him out on his shit."

LOOOOOOOOL
narcissism  badass  funny 
february 2018 by cmananian
Americans who visited Europe, what was your biggest WTF moment? : AskReddit
Was this near the Red Light district? A good sport is to watch drunk/high Brits fall into the canals.

Holy shit, man, Italian people are SO ITALIAN. Everyone smokes, everyone takes 4-5 breaks a day to drink espresso, everyone's name is straight out of what I had assumed was "Italian stereotypes handbook"... it was amazing.
funny  europe 
february 2018 by cmananian
Giada, my job at an "adult" store, and judgment day : JUSTNOMIL
She flipped the hell out, made a noise like someone sat on a parrot, and started yelling.
writing  storytelling  funny 
january 2018 by cmananian
I had to pretend she was my daughter : LetsNotMeet
“HOY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HUH? YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE HOME ALREADY! AND TALKING TO A BOY HUH AND HE’S WHITE! EXCUSE ME LOOK AT ME WHILE I’M TALKING TO YOU I DID NOT RAISE YOU LIKE THIS”
funny 
january 2018 by cmananian
I got my sexual aggressor fired from work today. I'm quite satisfied. : TwoXChromosomes
I walked by him and turned my butt right next to his hand and just full on farted. Loud and angry. It's gross, I know. But if he's going to make me feel gross and "claim my ass" I'm going to make him feel gross and "claim his hand."

He proceeded to freak out and then I freaked out. No more will he look at my ass as sexual, but a fart box that has forever claimed his tiny hand.
badass  funny  sexism 
january 2018 by cmananian
What’s the worst case of bad parenting you’ve ever witnessed? : AskReddit
Parenting seems like being a guard for a person on perpetual suicide watch. You have to worry constantly about that little fucker dying on you.

The older you get the more you realize no one is forcing you to learn anything after school. It's just 50+ years of allowing stupid to fester. I'm 30 now and just so aware that there is no automatic wisdom that comes with age. If anything it's the opposite. People forget what they learned, shove themselves into social echo chambers and ignorantly believe they are all geniuses.
funny  parenting  sad  psychology 
january 2018 by cmananian
rosiedokidoki comments on Pilots, what is your least favorite airport?
Helicopter pilot here. Sharm el Sheik in Egypt is the worst airport in the world. Inshallah is not an appropriate landing clearance.
funny 
january 2018 by cmananian
Was I (22f) wrong to "entertain" other guys when the guy I was seeing for 5 months (25m) refused to commit? : relationships
I’ve found men that don’t want to commit are really insecure and scared. They have issues that they need to solve. I’ve had soooo many past flings who have either ghosted me or broke it off because they didn’t want to commit message me back like a year later being all ‘im ready to commit’. Um sorry but you’re old news and I already forgot about you!
Relationships  funny 
january 2018 by cmananian
You better not touch my squirrel : funny
The second they see that you won't hurt them, they are pretty quick to realize that you are one of the idiots that will feed them for no reason.
funny  animals 
december 2017 by cmananian
MTV Animation Director and Simpsons Storyboard Artist - Salary.com
"After graduation, Ableson attended the University of Southern California on scholarship. Unfortunately he didn't make it in to USC's film school. But even though he didn't get in to his major, he decided to take his general education requirements with plans to reapply to film school the next semester. But his plan didn't work. All in all, Ableson was denied admission four times in a row, making him the Rudy Ruettiger of film students."

Didn't even have money to buy a portfolio case, so he shoplifted one. OMG.
art  storyboarding  education  funny 
december 2017 by cmananian
One person’s history of Twitter, from beginning to end
Twitter made me a better writer.
My first editor is probably reading that line and nodding and thinking “Fuck you. I made you a better writer, asshole.” And that’s true. But I met her on Twitter.
funny  writing  mikemonteiro 
november 2017 by cmananian
JNMILitW - She Fell On The Baby (TW: violence, injury to a young child) : JUSTNOMIL
The dog in question is a year-old water buffalo/refrigerator hybrid with a head like a cinderblock, the muscle mass of an entire football team, and the personality of a marshmallow.
funny  writing  storytelling  reddit 
november 2017 by cmananian
Cards Against Humanity Saves America
"We’d like to cancel the 2016 election, but neither of us is going to get what we want."
copywriting  america  funny 
november 2017 by cmananian
Non-Americans of Reddit, what common American culture reference would you like to have explained? : AskReddit
"What's prom about?" "Used to be a right of passage mixed with a dance, but now has turned into an overly glorified get together designed to drain a parent's wallet."
funny  reddit  culture 
november 2017 by cmananian
I poured my blood, sweat and life savings into my restaurant. Dumbest thing I've ever done
Funny and sad at the same time. Admirable honesty here, plus incredible arrogance and total lack of planning.
restaurants  horror  funny 
november 2017 by cmananian
Saudi man shares a photo of him teaching his wife how to drive. : pics
"I knew the reaction would be positive but I'm really surprised of the extent of it. I'd guesstimate less than 10% have any opposition to it."

The photo of this couple learning to drive is SO CUTE.

"I used to bump into this Saudi guy at a series of conferences over the course of a few years. He was a very pious Muslim, but every night he would go to the bar and order one glass of really good wine and he just loved it. I asked about it. "Sin is my enemy. But you must know your enemy to defeat it!"
reddit  history  feminism  funny 
october 2017 by cmananian
“I guess when Dad said that he’d like to f**k everyone in the audience the nice, Midwest policemen didn’t see the humor in that”: George Carlin’s daughter remembers the advent of “7 dirty words” - Salon.com
George Carlin's daughter recalls growing up with her dad.

"Then suddenly, the promoter comes up to my mom and says, “The cops are here, they’re complaining about the language, and they’re going to arrest George the minute he walks offstage.” I guess when my dad said that he would like to fuck everyone in the audience the nice, Midwest policemen just didn’t see the humor in that."
history  funny 
october 2017 by cmananian
Baby dolphins fascinated by squirrels : gifs
"I wonder what those little things taste like?"

"Fish, probably. All I ever taste is fish."

"All they ever feed us is fish."

"One of the land-dolphins passed me something tube-shaped in a mushy substance. It was alright."

"I think my caretaker land-dolphin called it a "hot dog." You shouldn't eat those, Larry."

"I'm fine. What do you mean your caretaker called it a "hot dog?" Land-dolphins have a weird sub-sonic language we haven't come close to translating, Deb."

"They're clearly intelligent, Larry. They feed fish when we perform the right body-language motions. Like the hoop-jump."

"...Guys, are WE the pets?"

"Don't even get started on that crap again, Will."

"Yeah seriously, enough existential angst."

"I bet those little fur things taste like hot dogs."
funny  reddit  animals 
september 2017 by cmananian
Guy woke up in the middle of the night on a stranger's bed : videos
"I pay taxes on this bed." Dude argues with drunk stranger who wandered into his house. Hilarious.
funny  reddit  videos 
september 2017 by cmananian
[Software Developer] Some People React Badly When They First Discover Devs Won't Work For Free : recruitinghell
"Equity is a scam. You can work years for equity so they can lay you off and force you to buy stock in the company which is much less likely to pay out than you just taking your money to a casino. Cold hard cash every time baby."

"Ideas are worthless. Making something tangible and useful out of them is valuable. And then it's not even that valuable because you still have to do marketing and massage your client base and refine the product an be countless other things to barely make any money. And even then things are only as valuable as you can convince the world that it is. So you could have the best software/widget/t-shirt ever and it wouldn't matter if you couldn't convince enough people of enough value."

NOTE: this entire sub is hilarious. Go here whenever I need ideas for cliches and industry bullshit.
pricing  funny  reddit  bullshit  marketing  productdevelopment  Business  startups  psychology  career 
september 2017 by cmananian
Badass of the Week: Sergeant Stubby the War Dog
For his actions, Stubby the Ass-Biting Maniac Dog was given a battlefield promotion to the rank of Sergeant, which, awesomely enough, meant that the dog now outranked his owner, who was only a Corporal by this point.
history  funny  interesting  animals 
september 2017 by cmananian
So, about the Will : JUSTNOMIL
"I've divorced better women for less." Best burn EVER.
funny  reddit 
september 2017 by cmananian
What is the pettiest reason you have had for ending a relationship? : AskReddit
"Was dating a girl for a few months, and when I told her that I had been watching a bunch of Muhammad Ali videos lately, she responded with "That guy who did 9/11?"
It was all downhill from there."
wtf  funny  reddit 
july 2017 by cmananian
TIFU by petting a cute little cygnet (baby swan). [NSFW] : tifu
"One, especially friendly cygnet came near me out of curiosity and I picked it up from the ground in a gentle manner. It was chubby, cute, and warm. As I was looking over the pond while sunbeams touched my face through the red edge of the clouds - the swan mother arrived from the pond with two fully spread wings. I thought she was coming to congratulate me for being the new David Attenborough / disney princess of the village."
funny  reddit  wtf  bestof 
july 2017 by cmananian
madenthusiasms: liminalpolytheist: ... at Esoterica
Oh yeah and one time my Latin professor was at this conference in Greece and his flight was canceled, so he needed to extend his hotel stay by one more night.

Except he doesn’t speak a lick of modern Greek, and the receptionist couldn’t speak English. Or French. Or German. Or Italian. (He tried all of them.)

Finally, in a fit of inspiration, he went upstairs and got his copy of Medea in the original Greek (you know, the stuff separated from modern Greek by two and a half thousand years). He found the passage where Medea begs Jason to let her stay for one more day, went downstairs, and read it to the receptionist.

She laughed her head off, but she gave him the extra night.
funny  history  tumblr 
june 2017 by cmananian
LOL at this avocado toast advice from a millionaire - I Will Teach You To Be Rich
HOW FUCKING DUMB IS THIS ADVICE. AND WE’RE ONLY ON POINT #2 SO FAR.
funny  stupid  iwt  money 
may 2017 by cmananian
What's the dumbest thing an ex ever said to try and win you back? : AskReddit
My abusive ex-husband sent me a long, impersonal email three years after I left him. My favorite part was: "We should get back together. I don't want to be with you, but by some miracle of God, I might grow to tolerate or even enjoy your company."

Holy shit. Next level delusion.
reddit  funny 
april 2017 by cmananian
To the dudes who have experienced such a thing, what does a prostate orgasm feel like, exactly? : AskReddit
"Like a a unicorn exploding in your urethra." "I have made a vow to have something in my ass by midnight." The comments, I'm crying.
funny  reddit  sex 
april 2017 by cmananian
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