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Many in Nation Tired of Explaining Things to Idiots | The New Yorker
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Many Americans are tired of explaining things to idiots, particularly when the things in question are so painfully obvious, a new poll indicates.
According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, while millions have been vexed for some time by their failure to explain incredibly basic information to dolts, that frustration has now reached a breaking point.
Of the many obvious things that people are sick and tired of trying to get through the skulls of stupid people, the fact that climate change will cause catastrophic habitat destruction and devastating extinctions tops the list, with a majority saying that they will no longer bother trying to explain this to cretins.
gov2.0  guns  politics  statistics  satire 
2 days ago by rgl7194
In Order to Keep Our Editorial Page Completely Balanced, We Are Hiring More Dipshits
"Here at the New York Times, we believe that all sides of the story should be tolerated and explored, from white supremacists being actually kinda cool if you think about it to people who believe that saying college campuses should be less PC is somehow an interesting use of 1,000 words. That’s why we’re expanding our editorial staff to include more dipshits."
a:Mike-Skerrett  p:McSweeney's★★★  d:2018.02.13  w:500  satire  media  from iphone
3 days ago by bankbryan
I’m Just a Misunderstood Marbled Crayfish (Overlord) Who is Certainly Not Planning World Domination
"What do you want me to say? That we aren’t plotting to infiltrate the human blood system, pinching off key veins and arteries, hacking our way like a machete-wielding explorer through the Amazon all the way to your brain cavity where we will dominate the willing and pick apart the mushy brains of the more obstinate like soft bread? I shouldn’t have to say that. It doesn’t sound crayfishy, does it?"
a:Josh-Sippie  p:McSweeney's★★★  d:2018.02.09  w:1000  satire  animals  from iphone
3 days ago by bankbryan
FAQs: Your New Cursed Instant Pot
"What can I make with my cursed Instant Pot?
Your cursed Instant Pot is perfect for slow-braised meats and stews, cooking rice, steaming vegetables and even making yogurt!
Does my cursed Instant Pot mock God?
Yes. Summoning the powers of a profane occultist nightmare to save time in the kitchen is an abomination and an affront to God."
a:Ross-Wolinsky  p:McSweeney's★★★  d:2018.02.07  w:1000  satire  FAQ  cooking  from twitter
4 days ago by bankbryan
New Erotica for Feminists
"I hear a box truck backing up in my driveway. Tom Hardy steps out, wearing a tight T-shirt that says WILD FEMINIST. He politely asks my permission to step inside to fill up my whole refrigerator with free LaCroix and play with my rescue dog every Tuesday forever. I consent clearly and enthusiastically."
a:Brooke-Preston  a:Caitlin-Kunkel  a:Carrie-Wittmer  a:Fiona-Taylor  p:McSweeney's★★★  d:2018.02.06  w:1000  satire  pornography  gender  from twitter
5 days ago by bankbryan
Task List Of Emotional And Physical Labor Performed During Meeting With Your Academic Supervisor To Discuss Dissertation That You Desperately Need To Finish But Can’t Because Your Supervisor Believes That Students Represent A Pool Of Potential Dates
"Nod head emphatically. Agree with him that he certainly seems to have needs.
Clutch the book about Quakers that has a woman in a Quaker dress on the cover.
Imagine yourself dressed as a Quaker.
Think about joining the Quakers."
a:Deborah-Ostrovsky  p:McSweeney's★★★  d:2018.01.31  w:1500  satire  gender  academia  from twitter
6 days ago by bankbryan
What Georgians make of “The Death of Stalin”
 “You have this group of oligarchs essentially, with Stalin at the pinnacle of them, and they are all terrified of each other. Then Stalin dies. The pinnacle is gone. What do you do next?” With Vladimir Putin soon to be elected to his fourth (and theoretically final) presidential term, there are bound to be some powerful people in the Kremlin asking themselves the same question.
movies  satire  politics  russia 
6 days ago by terry
'Theology Doesn't Matter,' Says Man In Bold Theological Statement
“It’s just all about loving each other and knowing Jesus, not about theology,” he wrote in a Facebook status, unaware that his statement included at least three theological truth claims regarding God’s purpose for man kind. “God doesn’t want us to memorize facts about Him or try to systematize Him in books. We should all just follow Jesus’s example.”
religion  theology  satire 
8 days ago by atbradley
The satirical origins of the meritocracy
It describes a dystopian society in a future United Kingdom in which intelligence and merit have become the central tenet of society, replacing previous divisions of social class and creating a society stratified between a merited power holding elite and a disenfranchised underclass of the less merited.
meritocracy  culture  class  discrimination  satire 
8 days ago by spaceninja
I Haven’t Seen the Movie, But I Have a Controversial Opinion About It Anyway
"Hey, I heard you saw that movie! What did you think? My opinion may actually be a bit controversial because I am hearing a lot of people liked it, but… uh-oh, I didn’t. I’m such the contrarian, I know, but hear me out. No, I haven’t seen the movie."
a:Hannah-Wright  p:McSweeney's★★★  d:2018.01.30  w:500  satire  film  from iphone
10 days ago by bankbryan

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