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Incels Are Not Owed Sex - The Redistribution of Sex Response by Moira Donegan
The incels, of course, don’t see it that way. Their misogynist ideology views pleasure as a right (for men), and safety as only a privilege (for women). The logic of their call for an individual right to sex for men is that for men, pleasure — orgasmic pleasure, at that! —should be the baseline standard, and that for women, pain and violation are an acceptable baseline. This standard of living for men is simply too high, and its standard of treatment for women is far, far too low.
misogyny  mras  rapeculture  crime  society 
19 days ago by evilsofa
The Man in the Mirror
I don’t know, anymore, where to draw the lines between more-or-less good men, more-or-less bad men, more-or-less #NotAllMen. If complicated people deserve the benefit of the doubt, mercy, and forgiveness, who benefits the most? Rapists? Emotional abusers? Gaslighters? Liars? I don’t see my tolerance for moral complexity making the world of survivors any safer, fairer, or easier. J. was the same person before and after he cared for me, before and after he disposed of me. When I was in despair, he salvaged me, with profound compassion. He also felt entitled to exploit my trust in him. His lies violated my right to determine my own bodily and emotional limits, the right to say no to his menage. My gratitude hurts almost as much as the betrayal does. All these things are true.

(this was genuinely heavy and difficult to read)
rapeculture  gender&sexuality  relationships&connections  society 
10 weeks ago by kohleyed
What I Learned From Dating Women Who Have Been Raped [https://medium.com/]
The idea that, if someone knew I didn’t want to do something sexual that they shouldn’t do it, was completely alien to me, and yet made total sense. Would I continue with an activity if my partner clearly didn’t want me to? Is that the way you would treat a person you cared about? We talk a lot now about affirmative consent and whatnot, but unfortunately we can’t legislate the actual change that needs to be made. Men need to care when they are making women suffer. People need to care when they make each other suffer.

I think my experience fighting back contrasts with another memory when a female friend got hit by a male friend in the face except she didn’t retaliate. I remember her getting ice for her face and needing a lot of comfort from her friends even though I’m not sure the punch was that hard, and it seemed strange then. Now, however, I think what happened was that she was trying to heal an emotional hurt. She was forced to absorb male anger without being allowed to express any anger herself, and something about that is deeply fucked in a way that’s hard to articulate.

More than any explicit action, this societal expectation for me to provide nurturance to the very people who resent me has poisoned me. It requires my complete effacement, for me to deny the value of my own experience. It has required a betrayal of the most personal kind, and to recover from it necessitates re-learning one of the most basic human instincts.

My own suffering matters.
rapeculture  society  consent  brokenness  selfdefense  agency 
10 weeks ago by kme
If We Fire All Sexual Assaulters, Will We End Up Firing Everyone? [https://medium.com/]
And, part of what was creepy about that night, is that I was hooking up with that girl for social status, not to connect with her. Of course I was tuned out to what she was feeling sexually; I was completely numbing my own sexual desires in pursuit of ego gratification. I wanted the feelings of success that would come after hooking up with her, but wasn’t much interested in the feelings of connection that came during hooking up.

How could people enjoy, and demand, being sexual with my body when they could knew it was hurting me?

The answer, I believe, is that they were in pursuit of ego gratification. They were disconnected from what we both were feeling, and were instead focused on the “accomplishment” of hooking up with me. The gratification they wanted wasn’t the gratification of connecting with another human, but rather achieving something in the eyes of society.

One thing that #metoo hasn’t addressed is — what do we do when we realize that we are the guilty party? What do we do when we remember incidents in our past when we weren’t as good to people as they really deserved? Because, well before we get to “illegal” sexual behaviors, there are a whole slew of “harmful” sexual behaviors which many (most?) of us are guilty of.
rapeculture  consent  relationships 
10 weeks ago by kme
Much of Human Bonding is Excluding Others – Emma Lindsay – Medium
People always joke about how “millennials” are soft and easily traumatized, and of course we are. Our communities are breaking down, and people report feeling lonelier than ever before. We are facing an epidemic of loneliness. Without strong social support, how are we going to have the strength to face the most emotionally painful parts of our lives?

Joining the incel-discussion facebook group was interesting, because it helped me see a lot of the factors surrounding me with my sexual assault. For instance, when I was younger, I believed other nerdy people — including men — were my people. Since we shared the similar experience of being socially ostracized, I assumed we could meet each other with a type of acceptance. What I see now, though, is that many nerdy men view social rejection by women differently than I do. These men assumed my place in society was assured, because of my gender, and that they would have nothing in common with me.

I was reading an article about experts who studied people who raped, and they described a mind set that was very familiar to me:

Dr. Malamuth has noticed that repeat offenders often tell similar stories of rejection in high school and of looking on as “jocks and the football players got all the attractive women.”

As these once-unpopular, often narcissistic men become more successful, he suspects that “getting back at these women, having power over them, seems to have become a source of arousal.”

I’ve already explained that when I was assaulted, the assault wasn’t nearly as damaging as the social isolation that accompanied it. Trying to fix rape culture though isolation culture is not going to work; socially isolated men will take their pain out on socially isolated women, and the further to the margins you push them, the more extreme and vile their acts will be.

What we’re not doing, is giving these people another path. What’s a lonely virgin to do? Where should they go, what advice do we have for them?

And, this is basically just a synecdoche for larger society. We’re creating factions of social rejection, where we deem people rapists, or racists, or whatever and render them completely un-redeemable. And yet, as we do this, we make the very situation we’re trying to fix worse and, at the end, isn’t that part of the point?

If conservative power structures operate through direct force — the military, financial oppression, etc. — liberal power structures tend to operate though social force. They do this by attempting to get you to ally with strangers against people in your community, and they do this by labelling some people in your community irredeemable. And, there is an implicit threat that, if you support these irredeemables, you will also be labelled as irredeemable.

With the internet, we are creating a social-media thought police over mind, and despite whatever it professes, rest assured it does not have your best interests at heart.
relationships  assholes  betas  rapeculture  loneliness  deplorables 
10 weeks ago by kme
Judith Beheading Her Would-Be Rapist – Electric Literature
In the current #MeToo outpourings we see the expectations that Judith lived up to mapped onto the experiences of survivors coming forward.

When a story is told by a survivor it is dissected. Torn apart to see if the woman’s character stands up to the saintly expectations. If the woman was drinking, at a party, has done something wrong in the past, her entire story becomes risible. She is not virtuous enough to believe; not pure enough to mourn the “loss” of.
religion  literature  rapeculture  rape  feminism  art 
11 weeks ago by evilsofa
Mythcommunication: It’s Not That They Don’t Understand, They Just Don’t Like The Answer
That means that they are “communicating in ways which are usually understood to mean refusal in other contexts and it is not the adequacy of their communication that should be questioned, but rather their male partners’ claims not to understand[.]” 
communication  rapeculture  rape  sex  feminism  harassment 
12 weeks ago by evilsofa
What I Learned From Dating Women Who Have Been Raped
I don’t see myself as a victim in an otherwise safe society, I see myself as a completely normal and unremarkable member of the female gender. I see women who have experienced more violence than me, and women who have experienced less violence than me, but I don’t see women who don’t experience violence. The fact that some women have experienced more, worse sexual violence only means that they need more help not that I need less help or that my emotional response to a traumatic event is invalid. As I tell my female friends about my experience, basically all of them remember experiences when they felt similarly and just absorbed it.
rapeculture  society  gender&sexuality 
february 2018 by kohleyed
Fucking in the Hellscape of Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance
Why is it so hard for men to acknowledge that sexual liberation never actually freed women? That our sexuality remains bound still by so many other man-made knots that it will take a great deal more effort than the offer of a zipless fuck to untangle us?

No small part of the reason why dating sucks for women is that we’re paradoxically expected to be both defensive and open, hopeful but guarded, grounded but optimistic. We’re told by books, magazines and movies that men don’t want what we want so in order to find what we want, we have to jettison our expectations and lower our standards, the sooner the better. Because you’re not getting any younger. Geez, you selfish git. Why didn’t you just leave? Give every guy a chance. God, go put yourself out there.

And then if we’re confused by how any of this is liberation, then it’s because we’re not as liberated as men think we should be by now.
gender&sexuality  society  relationships&connections  rapeculture 
february 2018 by kohleyed

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