humour   77224

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Feel You in My Bones
There would have been nothing unusual about the dreams at all, really, if Morty hadn't woken after each and every one with a fierce and unrelenting erection.
Morty was surprised how much it hurt when he finally realised that he wasn't Rick's original Morty. It struck him in the center of his chest and spread to the tips of his fingers, a strange sort of grief.

:::::☆ ☆:::::

Late one night, as he lay in bed not sleeping, Morty's phone rang. The number was long and unfamiliar, and his blood stopped cold.

"Hello?" Morty answered quickly, and hoped his voice wouldn't sound as desperate through the receiver as it did in the loneliness of his room.

No voice answered, only the muffled honking of passing cars and heavy footsteps falling on pavement. Distantly, the 'aga blagh blagh' of a loud Garblovian could be heard.

Morty felt heavy with all the things that he wanted to say, but none of them seemed to make it any further than the tip of his tongue.

"Come home, Rick." He said at last, a simple, fervent plea.

A long, pained exhale was the only reply, and the line cut out.

Morty let the phone fall out of his hand and on to the pillow, feeling somehow more hollow than before.

:::::☆ ☆:::::

The next day at school, as Morty watched his feet fall on the hall's checkered laminate floor, something Rick had once said to him swam unbidden to the forefront of his mind. '/It goes without saying that the Rickest Rick would have the Mortiest Morty/,' the voice rang in his head. Morty felt like an idiot. He should have known, even then, that Rick wasn't talking about him.

:::::☆ ☆:::::

"You're my grandson." Rick replied at last, soft and sober. "It's wrong."

Morty was shocked, before bursting into laughter, loud and harsh. Of all the excuses he had expected from Rick, this was the worst.  

Morty knew about grandparents. They were lame Christmas presents under the tree, awkward Thanksgiving dinners across an unfamiliar table, birthday cards in the mail. They were lipstick-smearing kisses and 'look at how much you've grown', or 'how old are you now, my boy?' or 'you look so like your father did at your age'. Rick was about as far away from being a grandparent as you could get.

:::::☆ ☆:::::

"I'm not even 'your' Morty!" He shouted, suddenly furious. "That-that eye patch Morty, that 'evil' Morty," he took a deep, shuddering breath, and thought, /I'm finally saying it/. "He's your real Morty, isn't he? I'm just a - a replacement!"

A dark cloud passed over Rick's face, and all the gentleness in him was gone.

"Is that fuck - is that what you fucking think?" Rick thundered, and Morty took a hasty step back. "You think I-I-I - that I /abandoned/ my real grandson in that fucking Morty-torture dimension and what, murdered your grandpa to steal his family?"

/Well, yes/, Morty thought, all his confidence shaken.

"H-he, what he did, the way he looked at you," Morty stammered. "He hates you-"

"He hates /every/ Rick," Rick retorted bitingly. "Because his Rick was some evil asshole who - who didn't keep his distance, okay? Who took more than - who got too fucking close!"

Realisation dawned on Morty in a terrible, long sweep.

:::::☆ ☆:::::

"It won't be enough." Rick ground out, as though every word were painful to say. "Whatever you give me, i-it won't - I'll want more. I want it all."

"I know." He said. He'd always known. Once would never be enough, for either of them.

"I'm a selfish bastard, Morty." Rick threatened. "I'll take it. I'll take what I want from you."

"It's already yours." Morty replied, reaching for the collar of his coat.

Rick's expression faltered. Morty could see the cogs in his brain turning at light speed, searching for the right thing to say to make him understand. "I'm not going to keep saying no, Morty."

"Then don't." Morty said, as he dragged Rick's mouth back down to meet his own.

:::::☆ ☆:::::

"This isn't gonna have a happy ending, Morty." Rick's voice rumbled beside him. "It'd have to be a secret, from everyone we know."

"Yeah." Morty replied. He had been keeping secrets for as long as he could remember.

"And I'm not getting any younger. Well, unless Operation Phoenix 2.0 succeeds-"

"Rick, listen." Morty interrupted, turning his head to look at his grandfather's face. "I'm not here with you because you're, like, the best choice out of a list of - of viable candidates, okay? There's no one else. Never going to be anyone else, I think. And I've... I'm okay with that. I mean, shit, Rick, how many people ever get what we have, anyway? O-our adventures, if they've taught me anything, it's that there's so little happiness in the universe, you can't let any of it slip away, you know? And this, being here with you... this makes me happy."

:::::☆ ☆:::::

The Citadel was, as always, filled with Ricks and Mortys milling about together, standing, sitting, talking. But now Morty saw, there was something off about them; in the way they angled their bodies toward each other, a subtle difference in the nature of their expressions, a softness reflected in their eyes.

/It can't be/-

"Hey, come on, buddy," the Morty behind him complained. "You're, you know, you're holding up the line here."

"You're going to have to wait a moment, sir," the Security Morty replied. "This Morty hasn't written a date night into his contract yet."

"What?" A Morty further down the queue piped up. "Y-you gotta have at least one date night, man. And like, w-what are your signals? How are you gonna know when you're needed in the garage and when you're '/needed in the garage/'? You gotta think about this stuff!"


"Come on, man!"

"Get your shit together!"

At the Security Morty's insistence, Morty stepped out of the line, contract held weakly in his hands as orders to review his requests echoed dully in his ears.

Morty found his Rick standing in the center of the grounds, indelicately rinsing his mouth out with the contents of his flask and spitting into a nearby water fountain.

"Guess we all caved." Rick said as Morty approached him, completely unsurprised.

"We..." Morty breathed, as all around them, for every conceivable dimension within the central finite curve, there stood a Rick and a Morty, hovering just a little too close, gazing at each other just a little too long. "Were we the last ones?"

"Looks like it." Rick belched, kicking his heel against the side of the fountain, dislodging a sapling from the sole of his shoe.

Morty couldn't believe it. Somehow, in the space of a single day, they had gone from being completely irredeemable perverts to something approaching normality. He regarded the crowd with wonder, felt tension begin to ease itself from his shoulders as his gaze caught on one Rick in particular, holding his Morty's hand somewhat sheepishly.

"Ugh, how embarrassing." Rick groused beside him. "Hey, Z-501! You carry his pu/OHU/rse for him too?" He called, and loudly imitated the sound of a whip cracking.

Morty couldn't help but laugh, and Rick grinned at him in response, held his gaze. It was love, Morty realised then. Their own fucked up, messy version of it, but love all the same.

Morty turned away. "Wow, these Mortys," he said, clearing his throat. "They're really making some changes around here, huh, Rick?"

"Yeah, w-who knows?" Rick said. "Maybe they'll get their shit together, start the, uh, Interdimensional Council of Mortys." He shrugged, taking a swill from his flask and swishing it around his mouth again. "Anything is possible."

"Yeah," Morty smiled. "Anything is possible."

Morty leaned into Rick's side, and felt the man's hand come to rest on the small of his back. It was warm, as natural as breathing, ever so slightly possessive, and it made Morty's heart sing.

"Yo, C-137! Get a ro/OUO/om, loser!"
Rick-and-Morty  Rick/Morty  author:E707  episode:Close-Rick-counters-of-the-Rick-Kind  episode:Get-Schwifty  episode:The-Wedding-Squanchers  episode:The-Rickshank-Redemption  romance  angst-with-a-happy-ending  hurt/comfort  humour  minor-Morty/OC  alternate-Ricks/Mortys  incest  underage  aged-up-character/s  timeskips  dreams  awkward-boners  pining  pining!Morty  mutual-pining  Evil-Morty  deduction  R&M-adventures  fantasies  attacks  coughing  blood  near-death  arguments  nightmares  feigning-sleep  wet-dreams  alternate-dimension-selves  heavily-drunk!Rick  accidents  pushing/shoving  kissing  vomiting  physical-support  accidental-sleep  avoidance  disappearances  significant-departures  running-away  phone-calls  confrontations  punching  Spanish  confessions  misunderstandings  kisses  sexual-content  blowjobs  frottage  anal-fingering  anal-sex  possessiveness  possessive!Rick  caresses  cuddling  Citadel-of-Ricks  fic  site:AO3  word-count:10-20k      ! 
yesterday by SHSL_Fangirl
Peter Parker's Tiny Bathroom Window
Deadpool, Peter Parker, and a window that's too small.

Review: This is as much sexy as it is hysterical. I was equal parts laughing my ass off and biting my lip because *umpfh* I'd take a chunk outta Wade Wilson's ass if you catch my drift *wink*
fanfiction  complete  read  deadpool  Wade/Peter  explicit  slash  humour  sizekink  spanking  sub/dom 
3 days ago by snipershezz
Sick Rick
Rick gets sick after going on one of his oh-so-dangerous adventures, Morty takes care of him.
Rick-and-Morty  Rick/Morty  author:FinnW  pre-slash  hurt/comfort  humour  sick!Rick  cuddling  kisses  mild-OOCness  flashfic  site:AO3  word-count:<1k 
4 days ago by SHSL_Fangirl
HTTP codes as Valentine’s Day comics – Hani Lim – Medium
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it is a time for romantic hopefuls to ask out the object of their affection, and await an answer. It could be a simple “yes,” a sad “no,” or a cryptic “I don’t…
Web  humour 
5 days ago by jnavon
lokis-kitten: So, I was telling @egogrumps how... | beeswax
"So, I was telling @egogrumps how much better this scene would be if they used britney spears Toxic in the back… and then my hand slipped."
wintersoldier  mcu  captainamerica  movies  music  toxic  britneyspears  funny  humour 
7 days ago by bunnyhero
Romance is Dead
Morty goes to college and thinks about Rick's feelings for him.
“D-do you think you’re gonna be, gonna be allowed to keep going on adventures with me if y-y-you come home stumbling drunk? Do you even know what’s in here, Morty? You’ve got no tolerance, Morty, you’ll be drunk as a skunk.”

“Maybe I-I don’t /want/ to go on adventures with you anymore, Rick, ever think of that?” Morty half-yelled, wishing Rick wasn’t right about his low tolerance.

Rick’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Why wouldn’t you want to go anymore, Morty?”

Mouth dropping open, Morty scoffed and asked, “Really? Y-you have no idea why I wouldn’t, wouldn’t want to come along with you anymore?”

“Is this about you going off to college, Morty, because that’s not going to stop our adventures, you know? I-I can portal to your school and pick you up-“

“No, Rick, Jesus, I don’t want you to come pick me up at school!” Morty said hotly. “I don’t want to g-go anywhere else with you!”

Rick was silent for a long moment, long enough for Morty to bristle with anger again, before saying, “It’s about the kiss.” It wasn’t a question.

Morty’s face flushed, hearing Rick say it out loud. “D-duh.”

Heaving out a sigh, Rick drank deeply from his flask. “Goddamn M-Morty, you’re such a little-URP-such a little bitch. Just get over it already.”

A crazed look came into Morty’s eyes and he twisted in his seat to face Rick. “/Get over it/? Y-y-you kissed me! You’re my f-fucking grandpa and you kissed me!”

Rick brought the spaceship to an abrupt halt. “Listen, /Morty/, d-don’t read into things so much. A kiss, that ain’t no thang. It was nothing. It meant nothing.”

The statement hit Morty like a punch in the gut. He could still remember the feeling of Rick’s wet, chapped lips on his, his warm tongue probing his mouth, Rick’s hands fisted in his shirt. He’d spent the better part of two weeks agonizing over it, the wrongness of it, the way it’d made him feel to be kissed by his grandfather, trying to decipher his feelings about it, and now Rick was telling him it didn’t /matter/? “F-fuck you, Rick.”
Rick-and-Morty  Rick/Morty  author:itsnotmeitsyouxxx  romance  angst-with-a-happy-ending  emotional-hurt/comfort  humour  minor-Morty/Jessica  incest  aged-up-character/s  strained/broken-friendships  arguments  flirting  university/college  pining  pining!Morty  mutual-pining  texting  fantasies  reconciliation  sexting  sexual-content  masturbation  dirty-pictures  caresses  jealousy  jealous!Rick  kissing  dirty-talk  licking/sucking  nipple-stimulation  blowjobs  praise-kink  kisses  cuddling  misunderstandings  parties/celebrations  possessiveness  possessive!Rick  hugs  teasing  begging  anal-fingering  anal-sex  handjobs  site:AO3  word-count:5-10k   
7 days ago by SHSL_Fangirl
Designer Karl Toomey's new website reveals his secret dark side
“The idea behind the website started how a lot of my side projects start… while avoiding work. Or, more specifically, while avoiding making a decision. My previous website was ‘owned’ by some Italian hackers called Shitstorm a few years back so I’d been without one for some time. I spent many evenings attempting to design a new one but just couldn’t get going,” Karl tells It’s Nice That. After multiple attempts, Karl turned to Siri to ask why she couldn’t create one for him. “That’s when I thought boom! I don’t need a website, I need a personal AI assistant.”
ai  humour  design 
7 days ago by terry
Karl Toomey 😀
Designer Karl Toomey’s AI assistant Alice may be the worst PA in history. Karl’s latest artwork is his new website, which follows Alice’s stream of consciousness through a robotic voiceover and a string of subtitles on a yellow backdrop. Within the first two minutes of meeting her, she not only discloses Karl’s – no doubt – illegal plans to help facilitate burglary but also his violent tendencies that have been made possible by goose fat and pliers in the past.
ai  humour  design 
7 days ago by terry
All Messed Up in You
Morty has been indulging his secret shame with online image boards. Rick has been trying to ignore his. Neither method makes this mutual pining easier. A Saturday alone changes everything when Morty helps Rick with a hurt knee.
“Tell me. T-tell me what you were doing with m-my shirt. A-and... my underwear Rick.”

Rick wanted to shoot a portal to somewhere extremely far away. But his portal gun was conveniently downstairs, so instead he planted his fists on his hips and huffed, rolling his eyes. “It's not what you're thinking, Morty.”

“Is it not?” Morty asked in such a thin, strained voice that Rick felt a pang in his chest. “I-if that's true, then... say it again. I'll believe you.” He put his hands on the sides of his head, eyes falling to the floor. “Cause maybe... y-y'know, m-my mind is pretty messed up, and I coulda just saw it the wrong way. If that's the case, if I am crazy or stupid, tell me. A-a-and I'll forget what I saw.”

The fists that Rick had pressed to his hips grew weak, and they slipped, arms dangling heavily at his sides. His throat felt tight, and he swallowed a lump. Morty was giving him an out, and it'd be stupid not to take it.

“It was,” Rick said, his voice just above a whisper, “not what you're thinking.”

With that, Rick turned. He put his hand on the door frame, then let go and stepped forward.

“Yeah. Heh,” Morty said, fiddling his fingers in front of his stomach. “I-I guess if you'd walked in on me last night- on me with pictures of naked old men on my laptop last night... I guess I'd tell you it wasn't what you thought, too.”

:::::☆ ☆:::::

Having his dick sucked was a shock to Morty’s senses. This was an entirely new sensation of hot wetness and the varied pressures of Rick’s tongue. Even the occasional bumps of Rick’s back teeth as he shoved into a cheek weren’t entirely unpleasant. Sure this didn’t have the instant intensity and tightness of a closed, lubed fist, but watching Rick’s head rock back and forth as if to the beat of a song, feeling the way his mouth was attacking his dick in a hundred different ways, brought Morty to a fast boil. This was Rick, the man whose domineering personality was equal parts intimidating, insulting, and infatuating, and here he was sucking his dick.
Rick-and-Morty  Rick/Morty  author:TripleX_Tyrant  romance  light-angst  hurt/comfort  humour  alternating-POV  incest  pining  pining!Morty  mutual-pining  pining!Rick  sexual-content  porn-viewing  masturbation  fantasies  wet-dreams  observation  accidents  hurt!Rick  bruises  swelling  scent-kink  dirty-clothing  masturbating-with-clothing  caught-masturbating  avoidance  confrontations  indirect-love-confessions  hugs  dirty-talk  kissing  possessiveness  possessive!Rick  loss-of-virginity  frottage  blowjobs  teasing  anal-fingering  anal-sex  doggy-style  nipple-stimulation  handjobs  cuddling  kisses  one-shot  site:AO3  word-count:10-20k   
8 days ago by SHSL_Fangirl

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