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The Book of Life -- The Capacity to Give up on People
'... #‘Maybe the problem is that I am bad…’ The difficulties can’t be disputed but their origins are up for grabs and here the child shows a tragically intense degree of imagination. Yes, there is badness around, but that must be because they, the child, are ultimately somehow to blame. If only they could be different, the adult wouldn’t be so tricky. There is one thought that must be warded off above all others: that the adult might just be a mean and self-serving mediocrity. That is simply not possible. Better to be a monster or wretch oneself than to have ended up in the hands of a parent unworthy of respect. -- #‘No one and nothing else could be better.’ Children have no options. They can’t run away, begin again or say they’ve had enough. The world isn’t broad. The best of childhoods is an open prison. Therefore, children don’t even picture themselves in other circumstances. What is has to be. Those who have most to complain about don’t even raise their voice. -- Frighteningly, each of these positions has its adult equivalent. In certain unfulfilling relationships, we may have as much of a skill as the most unfortunate child (probably the child we once were) at the art of justifying why we are here, why we are to blame, why they are innocent and why we cannot move. -- It is we in particular, those remorselessly skilled at not giving up, who need to hear a curious-sounding lesson in being a little less loyal. We need to hear that, surprisingly, some people just don’t change: that their characters have been bolted shut through trauma and there is no chance that they will ever – whatever they may say and however intensely they promise – display any evolution. We need to hear that surprisingly, some people aren’t entirely good and we aren’t necessarily the problem. We need to learn to blame and get annoyed with someone other than ourselves. We need to do something very strange: walk away. This is no sign of cowardice or weakness of character. It’s a sign that we have (finally) learnt to love ourselves and so place our needs where these should always have been: at the center of our considerations.'
psychology  relationships  attachment  childhood  defencemechanisms  idealization  devaluation  humility  ostracism 
yesterday by adamcrowe
Freedomain Radio -- #2534: My Friend is a Psychopath! - Sunday Call In Show November 17 2013 (MP3)
"If you grow up in an environment where you don't negotiate... negotiation is two people present in the conversation trying to connect on meeting needs. When you don't negotiate then it becomes a win/lose situation. And the win/lose situation is the parent gets their way and you don't get your way; you get your way and the parent doesn't get their way. And I think that both of these lead to the dualities of either Introversion or Extraversion. So for the most part, introversion has to do with finding other people's needs and preferences dominant in your personality, and therefore you need to limit your exposure to other people because other people's needs erase you. The extraversion, or being the center of attention or the life of the party or the class clown and so on, has to do with: I don't want to be erased; if I'm not the center of attention then I feel invisible – but once you're the center of attention that erases other people. And so I think [in] Introversion and Extraversion there is a lack of two people present in the conversation emotionally connecting. Introversion is: I will listen to other people. Extraversion is: Other people will listen to me... Introversion is: Other people win and I lose, and Extraversion is: I win and other people lose." -- Withdraw + Attack Self / Avoidance + Attack Other: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ1fSW7zevE
psychology  shame  defencemechanisms  introversion  extraversion 
15 days ago by adamcrowe
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: Why You Don't Need to Be Exceptional
'Many of us walk the earth with a feeling that, in order to acceptable, we need to be something very special indeed. It could sound like ambition, but it's closer to neurosis – and a source of constant and unnecessary pain. Here are some tips to unwind the affliction.' -- Much will be gained if we succeed in transforming your hysterical misery into common unhappiness. ~ Sigmund Freud
psychology  attachment  separationanxiety  defencemechanisms  falseself  humility 
22 days ago by adamcrowe
Freedomain Radio -- #4408: How To Kill Self Hatred – Freedomain Call In (MP3)
"You cannot love yourself for being a good mother and love your mother for being a bad mother at the same time. And that's what's tearing you up."
psychology  defencemechanisms  introjection  splitting  parts  StefanMolyneux 
27 days ago by adamcrowe
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: The Fear of Happiness
'It sounds peculiar but many of us are, beneath the surface, surprisingly scared of the one thing we all say we want: happiness. We can be remarkably skilled at dodging an emotion that is scary because it feels so unfamiliar and so illegal (for us). We should – of course – learn to outgrow our inhibition and give happiness the place it deserves in our lives.' -- "We may have lacked any plausible role models for happiness."
psychology  attachment  defencemechanisms  selfattack 
8 weeks ago by adamcrowe
The Book of Life -- On Depression
'...There are, on the surface, some notable similarities between those who are sad and those who are depressed. Both groups cry; both withdraw from the world; both complain of listlessness and a sense of alienation from their normal lives. But there is one categorical difference between depression and sadness. The sad person knows what they are sad about; the depressed person doesn’t.Sad people can, without difficulty, tell us what is troubling them. I am sad that my grandmother has died. Or that I lost my job. Or that my friends are being unkind to me. And – though it might sound strange – this is precisely what the depressed person is not capable of doing. They may be tearful and at a very low ebb, but they can’t conclusively put a finger on what has drained life of meaning for them: they simply say it has no meaning per se. They aren’t depressed about x or y as one might be sad about x or y. They are, first and foremost simply depressed. -- ... The basic premise of psychotherapy is that the depressed person isn’t depressed – as they suggest – for no reason. There is a reason. They are very distressed about something but that something is proving extremely difficult to take on board, and has therefore been pushed into the outer zones of consciousness – from where it wreaks havoc on the whole person, prompting boundless feelings of nihilism. For depressives, realising what they are concretely upset about would be too devastating, so they unconsciously choose to remain dead to everything, as opposed to very distraught about something. Depression is sadness that has forgotten its true causes – forgotten because remembering may generate overwhelming, untenable feelings of pain and loss. -- ... It is from this kind of diagnosis that a suggested cure emerges. What people in depression need above all is a chance to arrive at insight. For this, they will tend to need a hugely supportive and patient listener. They may also – used appropriately – benefit from temporary use of medication to lift their mood just enough so that they can endure a conversation. But the assumption isn’t that brain chemistry is where the problem either begins or ends; the despair is caused by an undigested, unknown and unresolved trauma. Far from needing to be taken through reasons to trust that life is beautiful, depressives must be allowed to feel and to remember specific damage – and to be granted a fundamental sense of the legitimacy of their emotions. They need to be allowed to be angry, and for the anger to settle on the right, awkward targets.' -- Depression is the reward we get for being 'good'. ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
psychology  defencemechanisms  depression 
12 weeks ago by adamcrowe
Wikipedia -- Selective mutism
'...Besides lack of speech, other common behaviors and characteristics displayed by selectively mute people, according to Dr. Elisa Shipon-Blum's findings, include: -- #Shyness, social anxiety, fear of social embarrassment, and/or social isolation and withdrawal #Difficulty maintaining eye contact #Blank expression and reluctance to smile or incessant smiling #Difficulty expressing feelings, even to family members #Tendency to worry more than most people of the same age #Sensitivity to noise and crowds -- On the positive side, many people with this condition have: #Above-average intelligence, perception, or inquisitiveness #Creativity and a love for art or music #Empathy and sensitivity to others' thoughts and feelings #A strong sense of right and wrong.' -- Plato is my friend, but truth is a better friend. ~ Aristotle
philosophy  intelligence  anxiety  defencemechanisms  psychology 
april 2019 by adamcrowe
Freedomain Radio -- #4237: The Truth About Vampires, Ghosts and Zombies! (MP3)
All rulers in all ages have tried to impose a false view of the world upon their followers, but they could not afford to encourage any illusion that tended to impair military efficiency. So long as defeat meant the loss of independence, or some other result generally held to be undesirable, the precautions against defeat had to be serious. Physical facts could not be ignored. In philosophy, or religion, or ethics, or politics, two and two might make five, but when one was designing a gun or an aeroplane they had to make four. ~ Nineteen Eighty-Four -- "Rulers want you to be rational, empirical and logical when it comes to material production, but they do not want those same universals applied to a moral analysis of society." -- "Given that human beings have been viciously and terminally punished for bringing the same universal abstractions that make us economically productive to the moral realm, then what happens is we have a huge block to our universalization and that block doesn't stop the thoughts, it simply means that they go elsewhere. The 'supernatural' is where we put our moral reasoning and our sense of predation, our sense of danger and our sense of karma – it's where we dump all of that stuff because we were unable to talk about it or express it throughout all of human history."
psychology  psychohistory  defencemechanisms  displacement  collectiveunconscious  unconscious  trauma  splitting  statism  narcissism  parasitism  zombies  archetypes  fantasy  StefanMolyneux  * 
november 2018 by adamcrowe
Freedomain Radio -- #4223: A Window Into Hell Itself! Leftist Dating Nightmares... (MP3)
'If people grow up without a strong bond with their parents, without security, without sense of connection, love and safety, then they're needy, they're nervous, they're anxious about the world because they don't have a safe space to land. And if they're nervous about the world, rather than deal with their own family history they would rather make up demons within the world...you either deal with your own family history directly or you end up projecting your family history and it continues. So if you grew up without a sense of security, if you grew up being abused or belittled – and I can't imagine this is the first time this has happened in her life – then you either ascribe moral guilt to the people who deserve it, your abusers, as a child, or what happens is you project that sense of insecurity onto the world and then you see 'White Privilege', you see 'Patriarchy' and exploiters and so on, and you end up with perpetual anxiety that weakens you rather than strengthens you. In other words, if you don't deal with your childhood, you project it onto the world and it continues forever – you never get to escape your childhood unless and actually deal with it and put the moral blame where it should be which is the people who abused you as a child, usually your parents. -- ... She told him to be rougher. Quote: "Because I just wanted to build distance for myself during it." She now describes what happened as coercive sex.'
psychology  abuse  defencemechanisms  normalization  StefanMolyneux 
october 2018 by adamcrowe
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: Rescue Fantasies
'Some of us find it deeply romantic and attractive to imagine helping, or indeed 'rescuing' someone else; we have what are called 'rescue fantasies'. These fantasies are often mocked or ridiculed in society at large, but they are deeply fascinating phenomena that deserve our attention and analysis.' -- "Another's vulnerability enables us to get in touch with our own while at the same time not requiring us to show our weakness directly, with all the dangers involved."
psychology  defencemechanisms  victimhood  relationships  Buber 
july 2018 by adamcrowe
YouTube -- HoneyBadgerRadio: What Duck Sex Tells Us About Crazy Feminist Idealogues | Rantzerker 109
'Join Alison and Karen as we rant at a video piece by Big Think that uses it's clearly too advanced for the average human to comprehend intellect to tell us how duck rape is revealing with regards to incels and feminists. Yep.' -- Karen: "When it comes to narratives that really appeal to guys who are rape-y or otherwise engaged in sexual misconduct...feminism seems to really appeal to them." -- Alison: "He said women have less power over society than a duck has...There's an aspect of women's humanity that he now has rendered invisible, to himself and to anyone who listens to him. And that is her ability to affect men in society. I think these guys have a specific phobia when it comes to recognizing that women have any influence over men, over society, over their own lives. They specifically want to put women in a position of extreme helplessness. Have you ever seen that movie 'Boxing Helena' where the guy cuts off the woman's arms and legs? This is what he's just done, psychologically, to women. And for whatever reason, he's seen as being a champion of women...For whatever reason he's compelled to do it and he will never recognize any evidence to the contrary – and I've talked to people like this – no matter what, they do this. They do it and they will not stop doing it...they hate the sight of women's legs and arms, they just hate it. Something about it just triggers something in them." -- Alison: "NothingAtAll says: 'They're creating a world in which everything is rape to take advantage of women doesn't make sense.' I'm going to tell you how it makes sense: Have you ever seen the scenario of an abuser saying to their abuse victim 'Nobody is ever going to love you the way I love you.' 'There's only monsters outside that door.' 'No one will ever treat you as well as I do.' We can see that. That's immediately recognized as abuse. That's creating a situation where the abuser is creating a world that's against their abuse victim, therefore they have to cling to the abuser as their safe harbor. That's abuse. When these guys say 'Every man is a rapist but me' they're doing the same thing. They say 'The world is out to get you, women. You should feel helpless in the face of the world because you don't have the autonomy of a duck.'" -- The One Good Man
psychology  agencyvspatiency  normalization  feminism  predation  men  women  defencemechanisms  abuse 
june 2018 by adamcrowe
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: How Our Childhoods Affect Our Adult Lives
'Without anyone meaning for this to happen, we've all come through childhood bearing a distinctive range of emotional scars. The task is to understand what these are, counteract their worst effects on our moods and actions – and explain them in a good natured and patient way to people close to us.'
psychology  childhood  trauma  defencemechanisms 
may 2018 by adamcrowe
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: How A Messed Up Childhood Affects You In Adulthood
'It's a humbling situation, but much about who we are as adults can be traced back to things that happened to us before our 12th birthday. Part of learning to be an adulthood means making sense of the events of our childhood. We need to spot how our past might be trying to interfere with our chances in the present.'
psychology  attachment  defencemechanisms 
march 2018 by adamcrowe
The Book of Life -- The True and the False Self
'One of the most surprising but powerful explanations for why we may, as adults, be in trouble mentally is that we were, in our earliest years, denied the opportunity to be fully ourselves, that is, we were not allowed to be wilful and difficult, we could not be as demanding, aggressive, intolerant, and unrestrictedly selfish as we needed to be. Because our caregivers were preoccupied or fragile, we had to be preternaturally attuned to their demands, sensing that we had to comply in order to be loved and tolerated; we had to be false before we had the chance to feel properly alive. And as a result, many years later, without quite understanding the process, we risk feeling unanchored, inwardly dead and somehow not entirely present. -- ... The true self of the infant, in Winnicott’s formulation, is by nature asocial and amoral. It isn’t interested in the feelings of others, it isn’t socialised. It screams when it needs to – even if it is the middle of the night or on a crowded train. It may be aggressive, biting and – in the eyes of a stickler for manners or a lover of hygiene – shocking and a bit disgusting. It wants to express itself where and how it wants. It can be sweet of course but on its own terms, not in order to charm or bargain for love. If a person is to have any sense of feeling real as an adult, then it has to have enjoyed the immense emotional privilege of being able to be true in this way, to disturb people when it wants, to kick when it is angry, to scream when it is tired, to bite when it is feeling aggressive. The True Self of the child must be granted the imaginative opportunity to destroy the parent when it is in a rage – and then witness the parent surviving and enduring, which lends the child a vital and immensely reassuring sense that it is not in fact omnipotent, and that the world won’t collapse simply because it sometimes wishes or fears it could. -- When things go well, gradually and willingly, the child develops a False Self, a capacity to behave according to the demands of external reality. This is what enables a child to submit to the rigours of school and, as it develops into an adult, of working life as well. When we have been given the chance to be our true selves we do not, at every occasion, need to rebel and insist on our needs. We can follow the rules because we have, for a time, been able to ignore them entirely. In other words, Winnicott was not a thorough enemy of a False Self; he understood its role well enough, he simply insisted that it belonged to health only when it had been preceded by a thorough earlier experience of an untrammelled True Self. -- Unfortunately, many of us have not enjoyed such an ideal start. ... The result is that we will have learnt to comply far too early; we will have become obedient at the expense of our ability to feel authentically ourselves. In relationships, we may now be polite and geared to the needs of our partners, but not for that matter able properly to love. At work, we may be dutiful but uncreative and unoriginal. -- In such circumstances, and this is its genius, psychotherapy offers us a second chance. In the hands of a good therapist, we are allowed to regress before the time when we started to be False, back to the moment when we so desperately needed to be true. In the therapist’s office, safely contained by their maturity and care, we can learn – once more – to be real; we can be intemperate, difficult, unconcerned with anyone but ourselves, selfish, unimpressive, aggressive and shocking. And the therapist will take it – and thereby help us to experience a new sense of aliveness which should have been there from the start. The demand to be False, which never goes away, becomes more bearable because we are regularly being allowed, in the privacy of the therapist’s room, once a week or so, to be True. -- Winnicott was famously calm and generous towards his patients when they were attempting to refind their True Selves in this way. One of them smashed a favourite vase of his, another stole his money, a third shouted insults at him session after session. But Winnicott was unruffled, knowing that this was part of a journey back towards health, away from the deadly fakeness afflicting these patients in the rest of their lives. -- We can be grateful to Winnicott for reminding us that contentment and a feeling of reality have to pass through stages of almost limitless delinquent selfishness. There is simply no other way. We have to be True before we can be usefully a bit fake – and if we have never been allowed, then our sickness and depression is there to remind us that we need to take a step back, and therapy is there to allow us to do so.'
psychology  attachment  defencemechanisms  falseself  psychotherapy  authenticity  * 
february 2018 by adamcrowe
Medium -- Time to get real about terror by Brendan O'Neill
'...We’re discouraged from asking difficult questions. Debate is frowned on. -- Wonder if radical Islam is a major problem for the West and you’ll be branded “Islamophobic”. -- Ask if it was wise of Angela Merkel to welcome hundreds of thousands of migrants from the Middle East into Europe in 2015 and you’ll be called racist. -- Even to argue that there are certain French, British, American or Australian values that are good, and that we should encourage newcomers to adopt, is to risk being viewed as a sinner against the multicultural idea that all values are ­equally valid. -- We always see this post-terror: the chilling of debate. The aim is to tame moral thought, dampen dangerous emotions. It is Islamophobic, apparently, to be overly concerned about the mass murder of your fellow citizens. -- It sometimes feels like the political and media elites fear us, the public, more than they do the apocalyptic terrorist. After every ­attack their first ­response is to say: “There had better not be an Islamophobic backlash in response to this.” -- It is becoming clear that the perversely chilled response to terrorism is not an act of defiance. Rather, it speaks to a reluctance in the West to engage in robust debate about terror, religion, immigration and values. It speaks to such a deeply entrenched culture of relativism, PC offence-avoidance and intellectual and moral cowardice that some now think occasional acts of barbarism are a price worth ­paying if it means we can avoid asking deep, difficult questions about Western society, Islam and multicultural tensions in the 21st century. -- We need to change this post-terror culture. We need to recognise that a society that will not even permit anger or moral soul-searching when an eight-year-old girl at an Ariana Grande concert is blown apart is a society that has already been defeated. It is a ­society that is already dead.' -- Demoralization, Destabilization, Insurgency, Normalization
conquest  terrorism  relativism  demoralization  denial  politicalcorrectness  cowardice  trauma  defencemechanisms  normalization 
december 2017 by adamcrowe
Quillette -- Worry About Piety Contests, Not 'Virtue Signaling' by Cameron Harwick
'...Imagine a community in which competing statements are judged, not on the basis of their accuracy or coherence, but by the degree to which they reflect some sacred value. Furthermore, there’s some sort of punishment for those who find themselves on the losing end of the contest. The result is that the sacred value in question ends up trumping all other values such as workability, or truth, or coherence, or humanity. -- Piety contests wreak havoc to the extent that the punishment for losing them is effective. In the early 2000s there was a “patriotism contest” in the U.S. over who could speak the worst of terrorists, leading to nonsensical statements like “terrorists are cowards.” The punishment here seems to have been limited to some mild haranguing by intemperate right-wingers, but even so, it provided cover for some major foreign policy blunders. That contest was itself instigated by another, the parameters of which are something like “who can defend the sanctity of the Prophet most strongly?” Because the punishment here is death, it’s been able to spiral into homicidal crusades against those who so much as depict him. With such a stringent punishment, it’s no wonder that liberal norms lose out to “behead all those who insult the prophet.” -- In the case of the progressives accused of virtue signaling, the objective function seems to be something like, “who can be the most inclusive?” – which in practice devolves into “who can be the most obsequious toward favored groups?” Naturally this leads to absurdities, like the idea that science is a tool of white oppression (math too!), or the weird ritual of public self-debasement on Twitter, or the idea that differences in group outcomes can be entirely explained by discrimination despite their persistence in the face of waning discrimination. -- ... Being able to identify a piety contest in progress is probably a good way to know what communities to avoid being a part of and which norms to avoid adopting. From the outside, it might look like inauthenticity because the norms move too quickly for the internalization process to keep up, so anyone arguing the bleeding edge of a piety contest is probably still at the point where they’re doing so mainly to signal conformity or maintain standing. But that’s not the problem. Everyone will (or should) at some point find himself in the process of internalizing new norms. And just as it would be foolish to throw out virtue in the course of countering certain pieties, it would also be foolish to conclude that we would be better off without myths, sacredness, and piety at all. -- The problem, rather, is judging the acceptability of statements and actions on the basis of a single sacred criterion. Fundamentalism in this sense is part-and-parcel of the piety contest. No matter what your foundational principle, if you have only one, there will be bullets you have to bite. -- The defense against piety contests, therefore, is to cultivate a multiplicity of irreducible sacred values. This gives the moral community a vantage point from which to evaluate the consequences of each norm against something else. Christianity, for example, is filled with pairs of concepts that orthodoxy holds “in tension”: trinity and unity, free will and predestination, grace and works, and so on. Indeed, heresy has been defined as emphasizing one element of one of these pairs at the expense of the other, and throughout Christianity’s history it has been heretical movements of just this sort that have been filled with the fervent zeal of the piety contest. “Tension” might frustrate the reductionist who drives for consistency above all, but irreducible pairs like this serve a prophylactic function in preventing ideologically (and often physically) destructive piety contests -- Even outside of the religious context, modern Western moral philosophy has tried to transplant the success of science – where reductionism has proven powerful and useful – across the is/ought gap and into the normative realm. Rather than the four cardinal virtues of ancient moral philosophy – prudence, courage, temperance, and justice – we have a number of philosophies competing to reduce everything to a single ur-virtue, such as happiness (utilitarianism), or equality (socialism), or self-love (objectivism), and so on. -- But we must be careful of clearing away and deconstructing sacred values, lest they be replaced with dangerous fast-growth pieties that can metastasize without competition. This does not imply traditionalism for its own sake – a ship that has, in any event, sailed. While many traditional norm-complexes had at least the virtue of stability, I don’t hesitate to call modernity the greatest accomplishment of human history. Nevertheless, as we move into yet another one of its paroxysms of legitimacy, it would be wise to appreciate just what we have discarded in the modern era. Reasserting a multitude of virtues, and resisting the impulse to reduce them all to one, will be an important defense against piety contests from all quarters.'
psychology  defencemechanisms  splitting  blackwhite  marxism  illiberalism  fundamentalism  ideology  discourse  * 
december 2017 by adamcrowe
YouTube -- Freedomain Radio: BATTLE OF THE SEXES?
"I'm going to have to be blunt with you. Everyone can see it but you. And I'm not criticising you: It's very hard to see yourself in these situations: You have an issue in your marriage and you like to talk about male/female abstractions because you don't want to talk about your marriage." -- "[Hamster gonna hamster]" -- "Listen. If you're interpreting my concern about your marriage, that it's unequal, that you hate doing some stuff for your husband, that you feel you serve him and so on...I could have ignored that. I could have pretended you didn't say that, but I care, and so I'd much rather talk about personal experiences than abstractions – particularly if those abstractions are rooted in personal experience. Intellectualism is a very strong psychological defense, and is very tough to penetrate, as I think we can see."
men  women  psychology  defencemechanisms  intellectualism  philosophy  debate  StefanMolyneux 
october 2017 by adamcrowe
YouTube -- Freedomain Radio: FALSEHOOD
Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_self_and_false_self
psychology  shame  defencemechanisms  falseself  vanity  status  narcissism  unwarrantedselfimportance 
september 2017 by adamcrowe
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: The Seven Deadly Sins
'The Seven Deadly Sins were a list of psychological flaws first identified by Christianity in the 4th century. Christianity was wise in spotting the errors, but rather ungenerous in explaining why they existed. Given that we are all, in a sense, ‘sinners’, we need to find better explanations for our bad behaviour.'
psychology  shame  defencemechanisms 
june 2017 by adamcrowe

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