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Arkenrocks - Cimila - The Hobbit - All Media Types [Archive of Our Own]
The thing Gandalf neglected to mention when he assured Thorin Oakenshield and Company that Bilbo Baggins of Bag End would be the perfect thief for their mission was this:

A Hobbit wouldn't be able to tell a diamond from a pearl, or from an Arkenstone - no matter how hard they try.

This leads to some confusion, on Bilbos part. And some frustration, again on Bilbos part.
fandom:thehobbit  char:bilbo  char:dwarves  genre:humor  type:au  status:oneshot  feels:haha 
july 2017 by emsih
History Teaches Us - Chapter 1 - Drenagon - The Hobbit - All Media Types [Archive of Our Own]
To reclaim their kingdom, the Company of Thorin Oakenshield will need all the help they can get.

:: Thorin, Thranduil, Bard -- BEST DAD SQUAD EVER.
fandom:thehobbit  char:thorin  char:bilbo  char:dwarves  char:thranduil  char:all  genre:adventure  trope:timetravel  trope:fixit  genre:humor  status:complete  feels:yesyesyes 
august 2016 by emsih
Gen or ship, Hobbits & Dwarrows, Excavating in soft soils is harder than mining in rock
Hobbits' smials are connected underground, like big rabbit warrens. They're complex feats of engineering.

Dwarrows who know about mining admire the smials because they know how hard it is to excavate in soft soil (which has to be constantly shored up or it collapses). Non-mining dwarrows are contemptuous.

Bonus points:
*1: Hobbits are like rabbits; they kick the ground in morse code-style emergency signals, and communicate the same way underground.
*10: Hobbits have big eyes for night vision (or infra-red or sonar) for seeing underground.
*100: Hobbits are very fast natural diggers, using their feet to kick soil back behind them.
*1000: The dwarows see some of the Hobbits' secret underground tunnels (coal or tin mines? food larders? emergency shelters?) because of ~reasons (an emergency?) and are impressed.
*10000: Previously insulting or dismissive dwarrows have to eat their words about Hobbits.
*100000: Bilbo's some kind of underground engineering expert or overseer or mine safety/rescue person, so some dwarrows have to adjust their thinking about him specifically. (*cough*Thorin*cough*)

tl;dr: Hobbits are good at something dwarrows pride themselves on -- mining -- so dwarrows have to adjust their attitudes.
#unfilled  type:gen  char:bilbo  char:hobbits  char:dwarves  pairing:bilbo/any  trope:skills  trope:animal-traits  trope:culture 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Bilbo/DOYC overcoming occasional impotence due to Bilbo's sometimes-childlike looks
Gay male DOYC loves adult male Bilbo, except when Bilbo's hobbity looks make him look a bit too effeminate or childlike (by dwarven standards) and DOYC's arousal instantly vanishes because DOYC is only attracted to adult males, not women or children.

* If the couple deal with DOYC's (intermittent, psychological? cultural?) impotence like adults and handle the issue caringly and maturely, coming up with strategies to overcome the issue(s).

* If their coping strategies don't always work, but they accept that and stay together anyway.

* If people who are asked for advice & support also handle the issue like adults, taking it seriously and trying to give the best advice they can.

* If Bilbo makes some changes to his looks & behaviour, but also draws some lines and says, "this thing may look childlike or effeminate, but it is a Hobbit thing, I'm going to keep doing it because I am a Hobbit; you're just going to have to deal with it, my love."

* If they manage to laugh about it sometimes, especially when trying the more ridiculous 'helpful' suggestions or strategies.

Because much as I love the trope that has plump/pale/un-muscular/beardless/short-haired Bilbo looking like a ravishing beauty by dwarven standards, it is sometimes overdone to the point of being creepy, especially when fics talk about people being attracted to Bilbo *because* he looks childlike. (YMMV, YKINMK, etc.))

I don't think I've ever seen the idea of "sometimes repulsive, but still beloved Bilbo" dealt with in fic, but if you have seen stories that might be relevant to my interests, do feel free to rec them.

(Captcha says "rynamplo shall" which I read for a moment as "i nympho shall". Make of that what you will; perhaps Captcha wants a happy ending?)
#unfilled  !slash  char:bilbo  char:any  pairing:bilbo/any  char:dwarves  trope:erectile-dysfunction  kink:age  trope:height/size 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Bilbo/Any Dwarf, Soulmate + Cultural Misunderstandings
Hobbits find their Ones at the moment of orgasm, so they find their soulmates by having sex. (Lots of sex, with lots of people.)

Hobbits understand this, and their society accepts casual sex as a way of finding your One Soulmate, so that you can cleave yourself only unto your One in blissful harmony for all of this life and all the lives thereafter, as the Valar willed it. It's almost a sacred duty, by Hobbit standards.

The rest of Middle Earth? Thinks that Hobbits are EASY. Excellent for warming your bed for a night or two, but not at all the sort of round-heeled species that you take home to meet the parents, if-you-know-what-I-mean, nudge-nudge, wink-wink, *leer*, etc.

So, when Bilbo has sex with AnyDwarf and discovers AnyDwarf is his soulmate, it's the BEST MOMENT OF HIS LIFE! Bilbo's going to feed AnyDwarf up right, worship the ground AnyDwarf walks on, and learn to be a good spouse by dwarven standards, because he's FINALLY FOUND HIS SOULMATE, and he's so happy he could cry.

AnyDwarf? He's thinking, OH MAHAL, this is THE WORST THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO A DWARF! His soulmate is incapable of being faithful and is going to spend the rest of his life publicly humiliating AnyDwarf by repeatedly cuckolding him with Hobbits, Dwarves, Men, Elves, farmyard animals... He's so miserable he could cry.

Obviously, that's the key moment, but I'd also like to see the build-up, with the rumours/misunderstandings about hobbits, and why AnyDwarf gets involved with Bilbo -- despite the rumours? Because of them? And then after they discover they're soulmates, how do they get from there to a happy, healthy relationship? How do the other Dwarves react?

I prefer angst with a happy ending, but if Author wants angst with more angst, followed by even more angst, that's okay too. I realise some people won't see a happy ending out of this set-up.
#unfilled  !slash  char:hobbits  char:dwarves  char:bilbo  pairing:bilbo/any  trope:soulmates  trope:misunderstandings  trope:culture  kink:first-time  char:any 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Khuzdul as native language
I would like to read a Story were Khuzdul is the native language of dwarves, as in, they always speak it if they don't really make an effort. Westron is a foreign language they have to learn in school, that is much too soft for them and just feels utterly wrong.
And I thought, if I try to speak english or french I always have to think if what I am saying is right, if I use the right word or accentuation or if the grammar is correct.
So I would really like to read about the dwarves trying to converse with Bilbo, but having a few problems. Not like Bifur, of course, but just small ones, like a wrong pronunciation and so creating misunderstandings.
I would also like for Bilbo to really love their accents, all rough and guttural.
If you write PWP (nothing against it, but generally I would like something fluffy) it practically calls for dirtytalk :D
Also, Fili and Kili are really young, so it is only natural that they don't speak as fluently as, say, Balin. (Ori is of course better, being a scholar and generally awesome)
Dwarf you pair Bilbo with is entirely your choice, I don't have a specific one in mind.

*100 if DoyC is equally fascinated with Bilbos fluent Westron
#unfilled  !slash  char:dwarves  char:bilbo  kink:language  trope:misunderstandings  kink:dirty-talk  char:fili  char:kili  char:balin  char:ori  pairing:bilbo/dwarves  pairing:bilbo/any  type:au  type:fluff 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Modern AU - Everyone is still the same Middle Earth race
Every time I see a Modern!AU (and there are so many wonderful fics), everyone is always human. What about if they're all in 2014, but the Dwarves are still Dwarves and the Hobbits are still Hobbits and the Elves are still Elves, etc?
#unfilled  type:modern-day  type:au  char:elves  char:hobbits  char:dwarves  type:fluff  kink:interspecies  pairing:any/any  char:thranduil  char:company 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Someone finds the humans bizarre pornography about their species
Humans don't often interact sexually with other species, but they can find them attractive, so every time there is erotic fiction depicting another species, they use their artistic liscence to fill in the blanks, often going way over the top ridiculous. Up to you whether they are offended by it, find it hilarious etc..
#unfilled  char:humans  char:dwarves  type:humor  kink:porn  kink:interspecies 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
The race of men have a weak spot for dwarves
The dwarves have learned long ago from their dealings with the race of men that that many of them, both men and women, have weak spots for their race...whether its that they think that dwarves are adorable or have sexual fetishes for them. The dwarves use this weak spot to their full advantage as much as possible.
#unfilled  char:dwarves  char:humans  kink:interspecies  pairing:any/any  type:au 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Lucky Number 14, Kidnapping
So the dwarves don't need a burglar, they need a fourteenth member of the company to avoid bad luck. So when Gandalf chooses Bilbo for the purpose, his fate is sealed. He is a part of The Company now.

And if he refuses to go? Well, the dwarves just wait until he's asleep, grab him and tie him to a pony.

Can be dark or cracktastic. I'd be happy with either.
type:au  #unfilled  char:bilbo  char:dwarves  trope:kidnapping  type:crack  warning:dark  char:gandalf 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
DoYC fancies Bilbo. He's not shy or anything (unless he is one of the shy ones and had to pluck up a lot of courage for this) so he asks Bilbo out. Bilbo turns him down quickly.

The problem is, Bilbo fancies him back. He's just asexual. Romance is great, but he simply assumes that anyone looking for a relationship is looking for one which includes sex, so it pains him greatly to turn the dwarf down, it's just for the best.

And no one else gets it, because they know that Bilbo likes the dwarf! And Dwarf is heart-broken. Fillers choice whether Bilbo ever actually explains himself. Also filler's choice how the DoYC reacts to this information.

100 bonus points if either no dwarf has heard of asexuality and therefore none of them understand it, or if it's common in dwarves and they are very understanding.
1000000000 bonus points for a happy ending, however you wish it to happen.

It's just that I've not seen this happen in any asexual fic ever and it's a problem I've had more than once
#unfilled  !slash  trope:asexual  char:bilbo  char:dwarves  pairing:bilbo/any  type:angst 
march 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
I have a real weakness for mpreg, but as a med student, I sometimes have a hard time getting past the fact that a mans body just isn't designed for pregnancy. Not just the lack of a birth passage, but the hips, spine, etc.

So... DOYC becomes pregnant, and before he even starts to show his pregnancy, his body becomes more feminine. Hips get broader, chest becomes softer, anything goes. Maybe his voice gets higher, or his body hair thinner.

*10 for pregnant sex.

*100 for DOYC being insecure and his partner having to convince him that yes, he is just as attractive now as he was before

*1000 for Dwarf/Dwarf pairing, though I'm not opposed to Thorin/Bilbo if Thorin is the pregnant one.

But *1,000,000 if the pregnant DOYC is one who usually isn't written about in an mpreg story, like Nori or Bofur.
#unfilled  !slash  warning:mpreg  kink:pregnant-sex  pairing:any/any  char:dwarves  trope:body-transformation  pairing:bilbo/thorin  char:nori  char:bofur  char:thorin  warning:body-issues  trope:insecurity 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Thorin/Bilbo - Child Bride
WARNING. Possible triggers for shota/underage, implied marital abuse

In hobbit society, betrothals are quite common. It’s a great way of strengthening bonds among families, and a shrewd way of encouraging business. Among those chosen, it’s seen as a position of honor to have been given such an important role.

What most don’t know is that the brides are always very young, and given to their marriage-clans to be ‘perfected’.

It’s almost common-sense to hobbits – why wait for the bride to reach majority and risk strife with differing temperaments and opinions, when they could be molded from the very beginning? That way, the marriage can begin well and without trouble!

It is expected for the brides to do all they can to learn to please their husbands, as well as their new clans. They must cater to every wish and desire, and to forgo their ‘childhood personas’. It’s not uncommon for the brides to be taught by the clan and their future husband. Those that do not ‘learn’ or are displeasing in any way are sent back in disgrace, never to be married and seen as ‘abnormal’.

Most learn to live quiet lives with their husbands and new clan. Sometimes, the marriages are even happy. Other times… well, the stubborn ones must learn the hard way, right?

Erebor is thriving, but it’s constant growth means that they desperately need more food. The Shire has crops in abundance and is willing to trade, but need more substantial bonds than ink on paper. Bilbo Baggins is newly-orphaned and an only child, and a perfect choice for a betrothal. He is also ten years from his majority.

Dwarrows protect their children greedily, and only marry those who are well in age and already settled in temperament and craft. Thorin was not expecting a child-bride, and has no idea what to do with him. He is horrified at the thought of ‘perfecting’ Bilbo in any way.

I would like to see a huge culture clash, with Thorin tip-toeing around Bilbo and trying to figure out what to do now without upsetting him, while Bilbo tries desperately to please his future husband and not understanding what he’s doing wrong.
#unfilled  !slash  char:thorin  char:bilbo  warning:underage  warning:abuse  trope:arranged-engagement/marriage  pairing:bilbo/thorin  warning:sexism  trope:culture  type:angst  char:hobbits  char:dwarves  type:au 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Invasion, Everybody Lives, optional bagginshield
The Battle of the Five Armies does happen, but Thorin, Fili, and Kili live. However Bilbo is still banished. He returns to the Shire and a few years later, a Dwarven army has invaded by order of the King Under the Mountain. Bilbo must go with them or the Shire will fall. But if he goes, he faces certain death. He goes, but things may not be as they appear to be...

my only request: no durincest.
#unfilled  type:au  char:thorin  char:bilbo  char:dwarves  type:gen  !slash  pairing:bilbo/thorin  trope:exile 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Healing cock, STD
*double checks anon*
Healing cock tends to work on dwarves... except that in this case, the problem is an STD... Needless to say, things don't go as planned... Cue itchiness and general unpleasantness...

* 100: Gandalf keeps remarking on the interesting biological and cultural peculiarities of dwarves. This does not make him popular.
* 1000: They have to go to Elrond to get a more conventional cure. Elrond is stuck between amusement and being slightly horrified.

(Make it as cracky as you like! Any pairings fine.)
#unfilled  type:crack  pairing:any/any  trope:sick  trope:healing-cock  char:gandalf  char:elrond  char:dwarves  type:humor 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
"I'm not a piece of meat!" Bilbo/Dwarf
I didn't really know how to make a subject line for this so I just decided to use that quote as it.

So I've been thinking about the dwarves with their problem of lacking women, when I thought, "What if Hobbits had that problem?" Then it bled into the idea that maybe they didn't have the problem of having too little females, maybe too little males?

So what I wish for is a universe where, though the female hobbits are fertile, they only seem able to have girls and almost no male hobbits. So, male children are coveted closely and when they come of age, female hobbits go out of their way to court the male hobbits. Flowers, cakes, dancing, you name it, they do it. And the most coveted family are the Baggins. This is because, even though they usually don't have MANY children, every child born from a Baggins almost always ends up a boy.

Belladonna never liked how crazy the rest of the girl hobbits went for men and had decided from a young age that she was never going to get married. That was, until, Bungo began courting her, something that was unheard of in the Shire.

Belladonna passed her feelings onto Bilbo, who was resolute in never getting married to anyone, refusing to be a "piece of meat" for the hobbit lasses. Which broke the hearts of many a hobbit lass who coveted him not only for his good genes but for his large home and wealth that came from his father.

So at last, I just want the dwarves to react to hobbit courting and culture, shocked by the fact that there are so many hobbit lasses. And maybe have Bilbo finally be able to be openly interested in a male, which he'd never been able to be in the Shire.

Short prompt:
Hobbits have way more female hobbits than males and the Baggins family is coveted closely for their offspring, though Bilbo wants none of that shit and runs off on an adventure to get away.
#unfilled  char:bilbo  char:dwarves  char:hobbits  trope:culture  trope:courting  char:belladonna-took  char:bungo-baggins  pairing:bilbo/any  !slash  type:au 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
silly fluffy dog prompt
The dwarves are introduced to Puli and Komondor dog breeds and decide that not only must they have the dogs, they must braid the dogs fur.

(Komondor and Puli are hungerian bred dogs that look like walking mops. In fact Komondorok are known as 'mop dogs')
#unfilled  type:fluff  type:crack  char:dwarves  trope:pets  kink:braids 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Bagginshield wedding; crackish
The quest was meant to run fairly smoothly but nothing really went right (even though they didn't end up with the unlucky number) - trolls, goblins, fucking mythical STONE GIANTS, hordes of orcs chasing them, they couldn't even follow the path in Mirkwood, they almost lost the door, Bilbo was meant to sneak in but woke the fucking dragon and sent him to Laketown, Kili got shot ectecctect

So no one really expects Thorin and Bilbo's wedding to go smoothly, given their past.

Flowers are wrong, cakes get eaten by Hobbits, people have arguments, the wedding rings/beads go missing...

Everyone is panicking except Bilbo and Thorin who are too busy making mooney eyes to give a shit.
#unfilled  char:bilbo  char:thorin  trope:crack  trope:marriage  pairing:bilbo/thorin  char:dwarves  char:hobbits  kink:romantic  type:humor  type:au  !slash 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme
Hobbit ears are like cat ears
Hobbit ears twitch and prick up when they hear something, flicker absently when something brushes them, turn downwards when they're sad, perk up when they're happy, and provide very good hearing.

Bilbo likes his ears, he just wishes the dwarves would stop playing with them!


- Touching them makes Bilbo purr
#unfilled  char:bilbo  trope:animal-traits  kink:touch  char:dwarves  type:fluff 
february 2015 by hobbit-kink-meme

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