Thorin and Bilbo share a private moment in Lake-town where they speak of honor, and the loss of it, and whether Thorin was ever really the hero Bilbo thought he was.

Story Summary (by author): Bilbo and Dwalin have two things in common: an appreciation for good meals and a case of unrequited love for a certain oblivious king. The only sensible thing to do is form a supper club.

In a reality where Smaug attacks Erebor much later and is slain by Thorin in the process, the King Under the Mountain must contend with a whole new problem: greenery refuses to grow in the Desolation around the mountain, yet thousands of dwarves and humans must still be fed. In desperation, Thorin leads an envoy to the Shire to inquire about hiring a Green Magic hobbit. When none agree to make the journey, though, he’s left with no choice but to kidnap one.

"Unbeknownst to Bilbo, 'blunt the knives' is actually slightly out-of-fashion dwarf slang for some sort of sex act (hand job, blow job, or anything else, really), hence Bofur's very wink-wink-nudge-nudge 'Oohh d'ya hear that lads? He says we'll blunt the kniiiiives!'"

The thing Gandalf neglected to mention when he assured Thorin Oakenshield and Company that Bilbo Baggins of Bag End would be the perfect thief for their mission was this:

A Hobbit wouldn't be able to tell a diamond from a pearl, or from an Arkenstone - no matter how hard they try.

This leads to some confusion, on Bilbos part. And some frustration, again on Bilbos part.

"If you wouldn't mind it terribly, I would like to take a small detour south on our way through Mirkwood."

Bilbo Baggins, the newly appointed Master of Bag End, has just reached his majority. He lives alone in his fine house, managing his estate, and ignoring the people of Hobbiton as much as they avoid him. When a storm lands him with an unexpected (and unwelcome) little visitor, all Bilbo wants to do is find the baby Dwarf's missing family so he can get back to his own life.

That's not what happens.

To reclaim their kingdom, the Company of Thorin Oakenshield will need all the help they can get.

:: Thorin, Thranduil, Bard -- BEST DAD SQUAD EVER.

Inspired by the prompt above, Bilbo gets pregnant and gets twins, which is absolutely unheard of in dwarven society. Bilbo gets really big while pregnant, but they think its because the child will be more dwarvish. Healer freaks when delivering baby and seeing theres still one in. Would love to see Thorins reaction to two dwobbits instead of one. And that of the whole company, while we are at it. Could easily be a "good omen" for the new Kingdom, a King who can father two children instead of the occasional one.

Kili is the loving, doting husband and father to he and Bilbo's dwobbits

I saw a picture on Instagram with a "quote" from Richard Armitage (really don't know if he said it, but thats beside the point)
"I'd like a wife and family. I look around and my fellow actors are having babies and I'm envious. One day, One day."

And I would like to have that thought deep rooted in Thorin.

But everyone is always so distant with him - his attitude isn't making that any easier - because even in the Blue Mountains he is still the King who provides for them and works himself raw to make a good life for his people possible. They don't just respect him, they are in awe of him and the way he sacrifices himself. To that comes the fact that he isn't that much into dwarrowdams, but he would overlook his own preferences for the sake of the possibility of children.
Babies are always few and far between in the Dwarven society so he really hasn't that much hope to ever become a father on his own, but he helps with his nephews where ever he can to make up for it.

Hopeless in the department of his real dream in life, he turns to something more reachable - in his opinion - Erebor. It becomes something of an obsession, now that Fili and Kili aren't kids anymore and doesn't really need him.

It all comes to the quest and to Bilbo, and he really hates him in the beginning, because that little hobbit could have everything Thorin ever wanted and was still alone - as if becoming a father wasn't important. Hobbits were very fertile and even after dark he could see children everywhere behind the little windows of the hobbitholes. What he doesn't know is that even Hobbit men can carry children.

I don't care all that much what exactly happens on the quest between the two of them or how they come together, I just want a happy ending with true love and lots of dwobbits. In the beginning its propably pretty angsty, but I want Thorin to fall in love with Bilbo and then find out that he could get pregnant, not the other way around. Otherwise there could be alot more angst with misunderstanding and such and i just want some fluffy bagginshieldlove :D

I used to hate Modern AU, but I've decided that I love them now (lol). So I just want any modern AU with Bilbo/Fili, preferably with Fili being the one to pursue Bilbo :)

Dragons can smell virgins. Nobody told the company this until they had already started on the journey, and the unfortunate thing is that every one of the dwarves is a virgin.

Since they all want to continue on the quest, they need to find others to lose their virginity too before they arrive in Erebor. Alot of the company pair off with each other to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Thorin tells Bilbo that they can pair with each other, but Bilbo tells him it's not necessary because he is not a virgin. Thorin is not happy with these turn of events. Hence why he acts like a jerk until Azog. Happy ending! :)

Other couples are totally up to author; I'm fine with anything.

This is totally crack taken seriously, so humor is not necessarily required if author doesn't want it.

If Isildur did destroy the Ring, how would that change history? How would Bilbo manage without his magic ring? What about the rest of the journey? If Elendur survived, then Aragorn wouldn't be in the line of kings. But perhaps something happened to make Aragorn king anyway? Perhaps Elendur's line died out somehow?

Did Isildur do anything that would have kept the Kings of Gondor strong so that they did not disappear? Would the kingdom be one giant kingdom today? Would Gondor have gone to help Thorin and the Dwarves? Or at least Laketown? Would they have spread into Mordor?

And did more Elves stay because they hadn't had as much time to grow reliant on the Three Rings? Just explore how things would be different in the world if Isildur had managed to destroy the One Ring.

Hobbits' smials are connected underground, like big rabbit warrens. They're complex feats of engineering.

Dwarrows who know about mining admire the smials because they know how hard it is to excavate in soft soil (which has to be constantly shored up or it collapses). Non-mining dwarrows are contemptuous.

Bonus points:
*1: Hobbits are like rabbits; they kick the ground in morse code-style emergency signals, and communicate the same way underground.
*10: Hobbits have big eyes for night vision (or infra-red or sonar) for seeing underground.
*100: Hobbits are very fast natural diggers, using their feet to kick soil back behind them.
*1000: The dwarows see some of the Hobbits' secret underground tunnels (coal or tin mines? food larders? emergency shelters?) because of ~reasons (an emergency?) and are impressed.
*10000: Previously insulting or dismissive dwarrows have to eat their words about Hobbits.
*100000: Bilbo's some kind of underground engineering expert or overseer or mine safety/rescue person, so some dwarrows have to adjust their thinking about him specifically. (*cough*Thorin*cough*)

tl;dr: Hobbits are good at something dwarrows pride themselves on -- mining -- so dwarrows have to adjust their attitudes.

Gay male DOYC loves adult male Bilbo, except when Bilbo's hobbity looks make him look a bit too effeminate or childlike (by dwarven standards) and DOYC's arousal instantly vanishes because DOYC is only attracted to adult males, not women or children.

* If the couple deal with DOYC's (intermittent, psychological? cultural?) impotence like adults and handle the issue caringly and maturely, coming up with strategies to overcome the issue(s).

* If their coping strategies don't always work, but they accept that and stay together anyway.

* If people who are asked for advice & support also handle the issue like adults, taking it seriously and trying to give the best advice they can.

* If Bilbo makes some changes to his looks & behaviour, but also draws some lines and says, "this thing may look childlike or effeminate, but it is a Hobbit thing, I'm going to keep doing it because I am a Hobbit; you're just going to have to deal with it, my love."

* If they manage to laugh about it sometimes, especially when trying the more ridiculous 'helpful' suggestions or strategies.

Because much as I love the trope that has plump/pale/un-muscular/beardless/short-haired Bilbo looking like a ravishing beauty by dwarven standards, it is sometimes overdone to the point of being creepy, especially when fics talk about people being attracted to Bilbo *because* he looks childlike. (YMMV, YKINMK, etc.))

I don't think I've ever seen the idea of "sometimes repulsive, but still beloved Bilbo" dealt with in fic, but if you have seen stories that might be relevant to my interests, do feel free to rec them.

(Captcha says "rynamplo shall" which I read for a moment as "i nympho shall". Make of that what you will; perhaps Captcha wants a happy ending?)

Bilbo has freckles, lots of cute little freckles on his face and neck and shoulders, and a few scattered here and there everywhere else, too, some darker and some lighter. Hobbits generally don't like them (just because the most appreciated look is fair skinned, or some sort of superstition, whatever), but dwarves find them to be lucky. Like, if someone with freckles is helping you do something, it won't fail.

So Bilbo is like super angsty over his freckles, because they've brought nothing but hurt feelings pretty much his whole life, and then once the Company warms up to him they are all like "you're lucky! best thing to ever happen to the venture!" and he's totally shocked because these people like him FOR his freckles, in stead of despite them.

And then Bagginshield, and Thorin totally loves them and makes sure to tell Bilbo so, and Bilbo is just mindblown.

And fluff.

Smut too, if you'd like.

Hobbits find their Ones at the moment of orgasm, so they find their soulmates by having sex. (Lots of sex, with lots of people.)

Hobbits understand this, and their society accepts casual sex as a way of finding your One Soulmate, so that you can cleave yourself only unto your One in blissful harmony for all of this life and all the lives thereafter, as the Valar willed it. It's almost a sacred duty, by Hobbit standards.

The rest of Middle Earth? Thinks that Hobbits are EASY. Excellent for warming your bed for a night or two, but not at all the sort of round-heeled species that you take home to meet the parents, if-you-know-what-I-mean, nudge-nudge, wink-wink, *leer*, etc.

So, when Bilbo has sex with AnyDwarf and discovers AnyDwarf is his soulmate, it's the BEST MOMENT OF HIS LIFE! Bilbo's going to feed AnyDwarf up right, worship the ground AnyDwarf walks on, and learn to be a good spouse by dwarven standards, because he's FINALLY FOUND HIS SOULMATE, and he's so happy he could cry.

AnyDwarf? He's thinking, OH MAHAL, this is THE WORST THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO A DWARF! His soulmate is incapable of being faithful and is going to spend the rest of his life publicly humiliating AnyDwarf by repeatedly cuckolding him with Hobbits, Dwarves, Men, Elves, farmyard animals... He's so miserable he could cry.

Obviously, that's the key moment, but I'd also like to see the build-up, with the rumours/misunderstandings about hobbits, and why AnyDwarf gets involved with Bilbo -- despite the rumours? Because of them? And then after they discover they're soulmates, how do they get from there to a happy, healthy relationship? How do the other Dwarves react?

I prefer angst with a happy ending, but if Author wants angst with more angst, followed by even more angst, that's okay too. I realise some people won't see a happy ending out of this set-up.

Directly post-BOFA, everyone lived, and Bilbo and Thorin are working on being friends after all that happened (and this is complicated by the fact they both want in each other's pants but *trust issues* and both of them think it's unrequited). Thorin kind of wants to give Bilbo some kind of title for helping reclaim Erebor AND save it from war, and it isn't a big deal to Bilbo he's sort of just like "not my thing but ok boo whatever makes you happy just don't stress your wounds", and then when he and Balin are looking into it, they find that only a dwarf can hold titles/own land/etc.

And this really pisses Thorin off, and it's suddenly a big deal because he can't do it, so he's like "FIND A DAMN LOOPHOLE BALIN".

And the only loophole Balin can find is that adopted children are considered equal to genetically-yours children, so if one of the Company adopted Bilbo, he'd be considered fully a dwarf.

Cue most of the members of the Company arguing over who get's to adopt Bilbo, and Bilbo being like "wow i had no idea you all liked me this much" and then after a while "do i get NO say in this? what if i want Bofur to adopt me?" (basically all the dwarves - including Bofur - just sort of snort at him like NO)

And he sometimes just glares at smug!Thorin like "this is all your fault you bitch"

And Bilbo has to learn dwarf manners. And maybe grow out his hair more? And after he's adopted officially, he has to learn Khuzdul. And he has to pretend he is underage (even if just barely, and he kind of is by dwarf standards? but he's all "i'm a grown ass man dammit") for appearances sake.

And at some point he and Thorin get together, and his adopted family members give Thorin hell. "I know how to hide bodies" speeches, sharpening weapons, knuckle cracking, escorts on dates, etc.

Would prefer if Balin or Dori end up adopting Bilbo, because either Dwalin or Nori and Ori acting more like overprotective brothers than uncles would just be awesome.

Bonus points if the whole time Bilbo is just SO DONE with all of them. And maybe Dis arrives and Fili and Kili want HER to adopt Bilbo, so he'd be their brother, and Thorin and Bilbo are like "OH GOD NO."

Bilbo is Fili and Kili's dad, except no one told him that.

Thorin spills the secret during the quest. I just want to see the three boy's reactions!