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Type: Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style | Jeb Kinnison
Dismissives will learn to get their needs for attention, sex, and community met through less demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation or intimacy (often the anxious-preoccupied!):
dismissive  attachment  mind  loneliness  psychology 
6 days ago by fiona
YouTube -- [Alain de Botton]: How To Know Yourself
'One of the hardest things in the universe to understand is the interior of our own minds: we can have spent decades on the earth before we've grasped even very basic things about who we are and how we function. It's not for nothing that the Ancient Greeks felt philosophy had only one command: Know yourself! But however arduous, the journey can be facilitated by a few well-aimed bits of advice…'
psychology  attachment  mentalization 
10 days ago by adamcrowe
Childhood Emotional Neglect -- The Silent Void That Blocks You From Your Emotionally Neglected Spouse
'...May might sense an emptiness in her life, but she does not miss what she has never had—emotional intimacy. She is comfortable in the marriage because it recreates the same level of closeness that she had in her childhood. With her own feelings blocked off and with everyone who is important to her at bay, she only becomes uncomfortable in the marriage when Marcel knocks on her wall and demands, “Let me in!” -- Each CEN person has developed his own unique system to avoid emotion. Some laugh or crack a joke when faced with another person’s emotions; others freeze, talk excessively, fidget, change the subject or leave the room. May uses her smile, as well as the shutting-down mechanism we saw her use earlier when Marcel tried to talk with her about his needs in the relationship. -- In the therapy room, May was using her smile to “protect” herself, Marcel and me from her feelings. Her smile is one of the tools she learned and used well in her childhood home. A smile communicates one emotion, “happy,” which is the only emotion that’s acceptable in many CEN households. A smiling child or adult is not of concern to anyone. A smile does not draw attention or ask for anything. A smile is a way to not only please others but also to assure the world: “Don’t worry about me. I’m okay.” -- May’s smile and her denial of the problem are both effective ways to keep Marcel at bay. She is not consciously choosing either of these methods, of course. They were literally wired into her in childhood, and they are all she knows. -- The remarkable thing about CEN is that it’s not dramatic. Often there are no explosions or fights, and there’s no “bad guy.” Couples can have a hard time taking action to solve an invisible, vague, indescribable problem, and it’s hard to complain about a partner who is essentially selfless and well-meaning. -- One thing is a certainty for every CEN relationship that does not face and heal its CEN. An ever-widening gulf will take the partners farther and farther apart. Nobody gets their needs met. Nobody is challenged to grow. And nobody wins.'
psychology  neglect  attachment  affectregulation  relationships 
14 days ago by adamcrowe
Twitter
“Remarkably, psychologists still know relatively little about how people’s style typically varies throu…
attachment  from twitter_favs
27 days ago by John-Dobbin
Anonymous Conservative -- News Briefs – 05/04/2019
'...We talk about how social media has driven an uptick in Narcissism in youth today, but one thing I never thought of was the effect a social media-obsessed parent would have on their kids. Sawyer shows how parents addicted to their phones end up ignoring their children’s pleas for attention. This is an electronic version of a stillface experiment [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0]. The effect is not as pronounced because these kids are older, but their brains are producing that painful sensation. Picture this being done to babies though, because that is what were are seeing an uptick of in our society as the Social Media Generation begins to reproduce. When the parent ignores a child, it trips very deep, primal, instinctual neural panic responses related to abandonment. In the Stillface experiment the effect triggered in the infant was so powerful neurologically the child would actually convulse and enter a seizure-like state. It is not conscious or logical – it is entirely reflexive and mechanical. Children’s brains are adaptable. Start a kid early, doing something neurological, be it golf, math, a foreign language, or any neurologically-produced skill, and their brain will actually rewire itself to be extraordinary at it. Here these parents are developing their children’s brains to produce the uncontrollable, physically traumatic sensations of the Stillface experiment. I would not want to do it to any child of mine even once. But if you picture all of today’s narcissistic social media junkies going out and producing children exposed to this stimulus every day from birth, making their children developed to be triggerable and attention starved all the time, you will be looking at a formula for a dysfunctional society which will make the narcissism and neurological damage of social media today look positively magnificent by comparison.' -- Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Maté MD
rkselectiontheory  decadence  soma  socialmedia  continuouspartialattention  attachment  neglect  psychology 
6 weeks ago by adamcrowe
Freedomain Radio -- #2512: Stop Stealing to Pay for Hobbies - Sunday Call In Show October 20th 2013 (MP3)
"People don't have any problem with the truth, they just have problems with other people's reaction to the truth. So people say: 'Okay, so if I accept this, if I accept what you're saying, what will happen to my social circles?' Remember, human beings fundamentally survive socially: Throughout tribal history we needed people to watch us whilst we slept and we needed other people to take care of us when we were pregnant, and so on. Human beings survive socially, so the first thing people do when they encounter a new idea is they don't compare it relative to reason and evidence, they compare it to other people's reactions to the idea...So when you tell the truth to people all they do is run it through their little social computer to [figure out] what people's reactions going to be. 'Oh, are people's reactions to this going to be negative? Oh, so I cannot now evaluate that it's true because I know that I'm not going to repeat it.' This is really important. Shame control is the essence of anti-philosophical thinking... 'If that's true then I'm going to have a difficult life because I'm going to know something that's true that's going to be upsetting to people.' And so they will not evaluate that it's true because if they evaluate that it's true and they decide not to speak it then they know they're cowards and that they reject the truth for the sake of social conformity. People don't want to know that about themselves...so they just reject it – they don't even examine the question – they just get offended and upset so they can avoid their own cowardice and the bullying nature of those around them."
philosophy  psychology  attachment  conformity  irrationality  slavespeak  cowardice  nausea  StefanMolyneux  * 
6 weeks ago by adamcrowe
Quillette -- Meaning Matters by Clay Routledge
'...Regardless of what one thinks about religion, understanding what meaning is really about and why the devoutly religious experience the highest levels of it can help us better understand the existential challenges of our time. -- Meaning is deeply social. The more people feel strongly connected to others, the more they perceive life as meaningful. Social exclusion, ostracism, and loneliness all lead to feelings of meaninglessness. And people’s most cherished and meaning-affirming nostalgic memories typically involve close relationships. Religion is a powerful source of meaning, in part, because it shepherds people toward each other. -- Critically, it is insufficient to describe meaning as simply the result of being socially accepted or even loved. Research indicates that meaning is ultimately about mattering, feeling socially significant.5 It hinges on the belief that one’s actions make a difference. In other words, humans don’t simply need social connections. We long to feel truly valued and needed by others. People can feel meaningless even if they know others care deeply about them. Having social relationships is necessary but not sufficient. People need to matter. In fact, the opposite of feeling like one matters is feeling like a burden, which is a major risk factor for suicide, in part, because it leads to meaninglessness. -- Religion isn’t just like any organization or group that affords people the opportunity to socialize. Religion promotes a deeper feeling of mattering by teaching adherents that they have social duties to family, friends, and even strangers. Religious faith is an invisible thread that weaves individuals together into moral communities. -- ...even critics of religion should be able to acknowledge the existential roles it plays for our species and see that many who have rejected the old faiths are seeking secular substitutes. -- Understanding the psychology of religion and the changing religious social landscape is important but the decline of religion is just one part of a larger story about the decline of the traditional social and cultural structures that have long sustained meaning by giving people that vital feeling that they matter. I propose that the rise of liberalism, and more specifically, individualism, is at the heart of this story. -- Liberalism is an existential paradox. By unshackling humans from traditional cultural and social structures, it has freed us to pursue aspirations and experiences based on our own personal interests. This liberation has allowed many to explore a wider range of paths to meaning but it has also unrooted many from the most reliable sources of meaning. It has ushered in an era of individualism. The more people privilege an individual self (a self defined by personal attributes and interests) over an interdependent self (a self defined by cultural roles and duties), the more vulnerable they are to feeling like they don’t matter, that they lack social significance. -- ... The Western liberal elite champion cultural diversity and travel the world to sample other cultures, all while imagining they don’t need one, as if they are gods, not mere mortal cultural animals. But we are all cultural animals. And it is those who have done everything they can to reject and dismantle traditional cultural structures who are often the most existentially anxious and desperately searching for meaning, which makes them especially susceptible to extreme ideologies.' -- It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found. ~ D.W. Winnicott
philosophy  religion  meaning  attachment  psychology  rkselectiontheory  nihilism  Nietzsche  * 
7 weeks ago by adamcrowe
The Attachment Project
A clinical training program designed to help patients heal attachment disturbances and for the general public to understand The Three Pillars approach to earning secure attachment.
psychology  attachments  attachment  relationships  tutorial  online  lecture  course 
9 weeks ago by snipergirl
The 4 ‘Attachment Styles,’ and How They Sabotage Your Work-Life Balance - The New York Times
Our subconscious programming — developed through our youth and on into adulthood — plays a huge role in how we survive or thrive at work. Here’s how your “attachment style” may affect your office relationships.
work  culture  health  attachment 
10 weeks ago by lalabadie
Aeon Essays -- Consistency shouldn't be the test of truth in sexual-assault cases by Linda Martín Alcoff
'When I was nine years old, on a sunny summer afternoon, I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted. I didn’t have words to describe what happened; I was too young to know the vocabulary of sex. I lacked an understanding of the event: how to name it, what its effects were likely to be. In the raw, I knew what had happened, where it had happened, who my assailant was, and where he lived. Yet today I could not tell you the date, not even the month. I can’t describe the clothes he or I wore. The man got away. I still have post-traumatic stress disorder. At the time, I told no one. -- Much later, my mother described how my personality changed during this period. My normally high grades dropped precipitously; I became withdrawn, staying mostly inside the house. She thought I might be going through early puberty but, out of concern, she made an appointment for me to meet with the school psychologist. I was called out of my fourth-grade class and taken to a small room with no windows. I found myself sitting next to an adult man I had never seen before. The door was shut. I vomited all over the desk. -- Decades passed before I could start the work of piecing together a way of understanding the event and its impact on my life. I was in my mid-20s, in couples therapy with my husband; we had gone in for help with our sex life. Only there did I begin to realise the repercussions of my childhood experience. I startled easily, and could never bear to be chased, so I had difficulty with sports. Films with certain kinds of scenes triggered terror for me, so I had to walk out but could not explain why. I had recurring nightmares. And there were certain things in bed that I simply could not do. -- As I began fitting together these parts of my life into a pattern, the question of language arose. What to call the event? The perpetrator was a neighbour, but not someone who held power over me through his role in my life. He simply caught me as one might catch an insect. So when I read accounts of abuse and molestation, often involving seduction, manipulation and a build-up of trust before physical violence, none of that rings true in my case.' -- A predator preyed upon a child who lacked a strong parental bond, a child made vulnerable because she couldn't trust her parent(s) to cope with bad news. And so, she bore this all alone, betrayed.
psychology  attachment  abuse  rape  predation 
march 2019 by adamcrowe

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