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Army Man: America’s Only Magazine |
George Meyer and Army Man

THE ROYAL VISITOR
When Prince Charles came to our house, his staff told us that he had decided to have a typical home-cooked American meal. My mom hadn’t counted on this, so each of us had to whip up one all-American dish, quick-like. I chose an easy one — pork ‘n’ beans. But as I tossed the can in the trash, I started to feel a little guilty. After all, baked beans were pretty dull, even for us. I figured I should class them up a bit, so I removed the usual blob of pork fat and replaced it with a nice lean chunk of pork tenderloin, grilled to perfection.
We all huddled in the kitchen as the Prince dined alone. When he had finished the meal, and two cups of Yuban, his reaction was relayed to us by his personal secretary. He found the food “delightful.” His only complaint was that the pork in the pork ‘n’ beans was a bit greasy.
I was furious. Ignoring everyone’s pleas, I stormed into the dining room and confronted our “royal” visitor. I really let him have it.
“You’ve got a helluva nerve, buddy! You come into our house and start giving orders like you’re the Queen of England or something. Who died and made you king? Awwwwwwwww, so the pork wasn’t up to your “royal standards” — Boo-hoo! That’s the saddest story ever told!
“I’ve got news for you, pal. Most people never even see any pork in their pork ‘n’ beans! The most they can hope for is a hunk of pork fat! So if “Your Majesty” didn’t find it “acceptable” that’s just too damn bad. Because that’s the best we have to offer, and we aren’t about to apologize for it!”
The Prince was stunned. Clearly, no one had ever dared speak to him in this manner. For a moment, his jaw worked soundlessly in his crimson face. Then he sprang out of his chair and got me in a headlock. I tried to bend his fingers back, but he was much stronger than I’d imagined. He tightened the grip on my windpipe until my head swam and I passed out.
When I came to, I was still in the headlock, only now the Prince was kneeing me in the face. Desperately, I grabbed at his hair, only to feel a stab of pain as his teeth sank into my thumb. I could feel myself starting to black out again. Why wasn’t my family helping me? As I began to lose consciousness, the awful truth finally hit me.
He had bought them off with his enormous wealth!
humor  simpsons 
6 days ago by kelley
Twitter
In einer recht alten Folge der singt Ralph Wiggum irgendwie "Ich mag mich, ich mag mich" un…
folloerpower  simpsons  from twitter
5 weeks ago by diaeter
N6ZGeOtmhx9yD-E-ygy8nONSmIA=.gif (480×360)
The Simpsons GIF of Comic Book Guy saying "Yes, this should provide adequete sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon." (100 tacos for $100)
simpsons  gif  drwho  comicbookguy  funny  tacos 
5 weeks ago by Brandonshire
Wow, Bob Mackey! on Twitter: "doing deep Simpsons research and noticing a LOT of notes from MG about removing racist/ableist/homophobic jokes… "
aw. current writers should take notes.

(I have now not-watched The Simpsons for 2x as long as I did-watch it, with the exception of episodes circa 2016 playing in the laundromat)
bobservo  simpsons  notebook  criticism  editing  matt_groening  writer  writing  tv  1990s  culture  racism  handwriting 
10 weeks ago by cluebucket

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